I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
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︎ Apr 17 2021
Donβt judge a meal by the look of the first course.
Itβs very souperficial.
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︎ Apr 22 2021
Did you hear that a judge has demanded Dr. Pimple Popper grab any person off the street and remove pus-filled sacs within their skin?
It's a seize and de-cyst order!
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︎ Apr 29 2021
What did the judge say when she went to the dentist?
Do you swear to take the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
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︎ Apr 08 2021
When the Wright Brothers were arrested for trespassing at Kitty Hawk, the judge refused to grant them bail...
...he considered them a flight risk.
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︎ Mar 31 2021
I made the Judge laugh so hard
I was guilty of Mans laughter.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. βFirst offender?β the judge asked.
βNoβ she replied. βFirst a Gibson , then a Fenderβ
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︎ Dec 03 2020
For the charge of murder, the judge only gave Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci community service
because they were goodfellas
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︎ Mar 07 2021
The owner of the Indianpolis Colts will be in trouble if he has to speak in court, because no matter what he says the judge will think...
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︎ Jan 28 2021
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?
βOdour in the court!β
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︎ Jan 19 2021
Judge threw the book at her
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︎ Oct 25 2020
What did the man say to the judge after running over chickens at a playground?
βIn my defense, Your Honor, there were no signs of fowl playβ
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︎ Dec 07 2020
What do you call a judge who broke the law?
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︎ Oct 26 2020
Mickey mouse failed to divorce with Minnie mouse because the judges said βyou canβt just divorce with someone for being stupidβ to which Mickey said:
βI didnβt say she was stupid, I said she was fucking Goofyβ
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︎ Sep 13 2020
Why did the judge set the bail so low for the ostrich charged with assault?
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︎ Jun 06 2020
The cake shows up to the talent show and takes center stage. When the judge asks what is his talent. He replies...
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︎ Jun 16 2020
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice,
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︎ Jun 15 2020
Why was horse declared as innocent by the judge?
Because he de-neigh-ed everything.
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︎ Jul 10 2020
Oh look, The diction-fairy (never judge a girl by her cover) XD
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︎ Apr 23 2020
What did the man say when he caught his wife cheating with the judge
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︎ Aug 20 2020
When I tried to admit new evidence to the trial, the judge threw a Granny Smith at me...
I then remembered it's an apple-late court.
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︎ Jul 24 2020
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︎ Jul 16 2020
Judge: Order in the court!
Me: I'll have a cheeseburger and fries
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︎ Apr 10 2020
[In court] Judge: After seeing all the evidence, I am sending you to jail.
Defendant: Say-you-did-what.
Judge: What did you say?
Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.
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︎ May 07 2020
A judge is hearing a case. 'The people V. United Parcel Service' and determines that the trucks area nuisance and a danger to the town. He decides to ban all their trucks from the town and calls his ruling:
'UPS Truck Shun of Justice'
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︎ Apr 22 2020
You know what I said when the 7' judge banged their gavel?
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︎ Jun 25 2020
What drink did the judge order?
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︎ Apr 12 2020
Why do judges not like to go out into the sun?
It helps them remain fair
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︎ Dec 29 2019
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
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︎ Jan 04 2020
What did the ion say when brought before the Judge?
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︎ Feb 11 2020
The alcoholic lawyer got his license revoked by the judge.
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︎ Feb 14 2020
It's hard to judge the size of boobs under a shirt...
...because they're below see level
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︎ Aug 28 2019
I once heard a man insult the loveable Terry Crews. I waanted to beat the shit out of him, but I knew karmic justice would judge him fairly.
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︎ Nov 15 2019
Hit the hammer that judges have and says βworm court is in sessionβ. Then says
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︎ Dec 02 2019
What did the judge order when they went up to the bar?
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︎ Nov 17 2019
I asked the judge to shorten my sentence and
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︎ Oct 15 2019
The doc gave me 6 months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years
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︎ Jun 24 2019
What did the judge do to the words?
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︎ Oct 15 2019
A woman was found guilty and the judge declared she will serve 10 years in prison or she can sleep with him. He got in trouble for
Ending a sentence with a proposition.
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︎ Nov 03 2019
Why did the judge allow the proctologistβs testimony?
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︎ May 01 2019
What did the judge say to the dentist?
DO you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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︎ Feb 18 2021
What did the judge say to the molar?
Do you swear to tell the tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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︎ Jan 10 2021
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom
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︎ Oct 29 2020
What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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︎ Oct 18 2020
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
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︎ Oct 21 2019
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