Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?
Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.
Why can’t 2021 take a picture in the dark
because it doesn’t have flash
My brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
I don't like people who take drugs...
For example, airport security.
Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally
Me: When did my resume learn to talk?
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.
They're to prevent meltdowns.
My wife told me, “You shouldn’t take it personally if people call you fat...”
...”You are much bigger than that.”
Lettuce take a moment to appreciate this salad pun.
Every day I have to take my cow through a vineyard…
I herd it through the grapevine.
How do you know if a cow takes weed?
My high school bully still takes my lunch money.
But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!
What's the best date to take a pansexual on?
Mom told me to take out the spider
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
I ordered a Hit Man to take care of my business partner the other day.
After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.
He'd been despatched.
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
Seriously guys. Take your Christmas lights down.
Christmas was literally last year.
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
How much memory does it take to store a joke ?
Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.
But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters.
If you squat on a stump and take a dump....
Is it considered a toilet-tree?
How many fingers does it take to make an octopus laugh?
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...
So I went to my local astrology group and was asked to take roll call. And wouldn’t you know it?
All the signs were there.
One day the Canadians will take over the world....
Then you'll all be sorry.
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
Please just take my money you deserve it
What do you call it when a British person takes a good long look at something?
Had to take my blind roommate to the hospital today.
Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet .
Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?
How many lightbulbs does it take to fix a lightbulb?
doesn't matter, they can't fix it either way because they're not bright enough.
Did you know you can hire a guide to take you through the labyrinth in sixty seconds?
Does anyone know if doctors could take some of my butt flesh and graft it onto someone who isn't a relative?
I’ve been trying to solve a complicated maths question to take my mind off my constipation. Today, using only a pencil and sheer determination...
What do ants take to get high?
When my son refused to take a nap, the police got involved!
Understandable, since he was resisting a rest!
Why won't Rick Astly ever take his girlfriend out for an ice cream date?
Cuz he'll never dessert you...
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
What's the best date to take a pansexual on?
My brother prefers to take the stairs but I prefer the escalator.
I guess we were raised differently.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication.
It’s for Hispanic attacks.
How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
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