Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...

Riceless

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?

Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrandMoffTarkan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How to take days off
πŸ‘︎ 358
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πŸ‘€︎ u/necromantickitte
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Here take this!
πŸ‘︎ 419
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XD2020
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
β€ͺWhy can’t 2021 take a picture in the dark

because it doesn’t have flash

πŸ‘︎ 206
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZETA_RETICULI_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Which kidney to take?
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/steeltitan1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't like people who take drugs...

For example, airport security.

πŸ‘︎ 129
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsanityRose7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally

Me: When did my resume learn to talk?

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.

They're to prevent meltdowns.

πŸ‘︎ 236
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me, β€œYou shouldn’t take it personally if people call you fat...”

...”You are much bigger than that.”

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Lettuce take a moment to appreciate this salad pun.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Every day I have to take my cow through a vineyard…

I herd it through the grapevine.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/watercolorfiddle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you know if a cow takes weed?

The steaks are too high.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eissaphobia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My high school bully still takes my lunch money.

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

πŸ‘︎ 299
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best date to take a pansexual on?

Take them out for a wok.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Mom told me to take out the spider
πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilliCherry
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

A comma.

A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If you take a dump on a stump...

Does that make it a toilet tree?

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theoddfind
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered a Hit Man to take care of my business partner the other day.

After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.

He'd been despatched.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmoBM
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zagmut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Seriously guys. Take your Christmas lights down.

Christmas was literally last year.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
How much memory does it take to store a joke ?

1 Gigglebyte.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...

"Your kid in me."

πŸ‘︎ 743
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.

But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If you squat on a stump and take a dump....

Is it considered a toilet-tree?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rj17141
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters.

Only Tolkiens

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How many fingers does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten Tickles

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RootbeerDreams
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpidersInSpanish
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...

...then we'll be C6.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunstoned1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
One day the Canadians will take over the world....

Then you'll all be sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFoShow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Please just take my money you deserve it
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackson24me
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a British person takes a good long look at something?

A propaganda

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nshah0703
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Had to take my blind roommate to the hospital today.

Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet .

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?

For hispanic attacks

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonathanWickers
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How many lightbulbs does it take to fix a lightbulb?

doesn't matter, they can't fix it either way because they're not bright enough.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EggToastLover
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can hire a guide to take you through the labyrinth in sixty seconds?

It's a minute tour.

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been trying to solve a complicated maths question to take my mind off my constipation. Today, using only a pencil and sheer determination...

I finally worked it out.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Does anyone know if doctors could take some of my butt flesh and graft it onto someone who isn't a relative?

Ass skin for a friend.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigjambo1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do ants take to get high?

Antacid

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anddditburns
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
When my son refused to take a nap, the police got involved!

Understandable, since he was resisting a rest!

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why won't Rick Astly ever take his girlfriend out for an ice cream date?

Cuz he'll never dessert you...

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronclark384
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best date to take a pansexual on?

Take them out for a wok.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My brother prefers to take the stairs but I prefer the escalator.

I guess we were raised differently.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication.

It’s for Hispanic attacks.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrTomatoHead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?

Ten Tickles

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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