I have this idea for a takeaway restaurant which just sells dairy

I call it whey-to-go

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πŸ‘€︎ u/humanbeingahuman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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I sat on my Indian takeaway...

...now, I have a bum tikka.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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My local oriental takeaway got closed down because they found canine meat.

Shame I thought it was the dogs bollocks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gunganfalacio
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Not a big fan of piercings is the key takeaway
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amateurlapse
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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What do you call a takeaway with dignity?

An honour kebab.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maaaaaardy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Here's the latest episode of a competitive pun gameshow that I host, 'Punnit'. Where 3 contestants deliver their best pre-written pun to categories such as Board Games & Kitchen Utensils, Pokemon & Takeaway Dishes + more. youtube.com/watch?v=sjQg5…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PattersonHoodlum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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I rang a local takeaway last night and asked β€œDo you deliver?”

They said β€œNo, but we do lamb, chicken and fish”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MJBGaming
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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a blind man walks into a takeaway and asks the woman behind the counter "can i have a pepperoni pizza please"

the woman states "sir this is a library"

the blind man replies "oh sorry, ^(can i have a pepperoni pizza please) "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pepsiofdeath
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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I ordered a curry the other day from a takeaway, that I'm usually rude to, when only one of items was delivered...

I thought to myself that's just korma.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinnPMcGee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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Two of the men from the local monastery opened a takeaway shop on the premises.

There's the fish friar and the chip monk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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Spotted in Gateshead UK (Chinese takeaway)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unicornvega
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2013
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Chinese Takeaway

I was waiting for Chinese takeaway with my dad, and the owner of the store came out.

"Are you all right?" She asked my dad. "No." he replied, "I'm half left."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RaiTheThingy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
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Friend wasn't happy with recent Indian takeaway

I guess it didn't curry her favor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NorthernMonkey10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2015
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We were ordering an Indian takeaway...

My sister was making a list for the order (there were 8 of us).

Me: chicken Korma
Sister: ok.
Dad: I will have a lamb Pasander.
Sister: how do you spell that?
Dad: L-A-M-B.

I thought he would go for the "that" but the lamb worked as well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TOM_THE_FREAK
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2015
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I went to a maths themed restaurant today

They were only doing takeaways.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Warning!

Be aware We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) I went to pick it up last night and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!WTF??!!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ... And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Weedwacker01
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Went to mathematical restaurant today.

Ordered a takeaway

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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A new restaurant has opened near me called 'Subtraction'

They also do takeaway

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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Got my friend and her boyfriend while deciding what to order for dinner

My friend Sarah and I were tossing up between Indian and Thai. We called her boyfriend Sam to see if he would like takeaway. He can't have shellfish so Thai is a no.

Sarah: "we're trying to decide if we should get Thai or Indian. Do you want take out because if you do, we will get curry but if not, we will get Thai for us."

Me: "you're the tie-breaker."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stefaniey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
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My 9-year old got me good

I was telling the kids about a cat I had when was their age and how she loved Tandoori chicken. I explained that when we used to order in Indian food she would sit on the arm of the sofa waiting for someone to bring a chicken leg up to their mouth and then, quick as a flash, swipe it out of their hand and run off with it.

Quick as a flash, my boy said "Well, it WAS a takeaway"

So proud....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginolard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2016
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One my dad won't stop saying

I walked into a chinese takeaway the other day and said "hey you".

The guy behind the counter says "how you know my name?".

I said "your chicken is very rubbery".

He said "thank you thank you".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SanDanders1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2016
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My wife said son had come home with some 'take away' sums...

...I said "What, like how much is it if you add the cost of a Lamb Balti and a Naan bread?"

edit. In the uk a takeaway is food you buy like Chinese or Indian, and take away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JEZTURNER
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2014
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A whopper of a joke

So just now my Dad was looking through the local takeaway menu because I was heading over the shops and he wanted something to eat, so he finally decides that he wants a burger, hands me a Β£5 note and says "It'll be about 3 pounds" to which I responded "That's a lot of food, you sure you don't want a quarter-pounder instead?"

Unfortunately I was the only one chuckling to myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trinitykill
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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Be vigilant

I hate to do this about a local business but feel you deserve to know. πŸ˜•

** Be aware **

We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I'm not going to name them) I'd just been to pick it up and as I were driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!! I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out

I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers!

I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beanieboombaby
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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