Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...
Because all the leaves are brown.
Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?
Because in France, one egg is Un ouef.
I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest 50$ just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".
I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.
If you get a message from the government warning not to eat tinned meat because is contains Covid-19, just ignore it.
It’s spam
My daughter just now... “Dad, would you rather eat a raw fish or a matter baby?”
Me: “love, what’s a matter baby?”
Her: “nothing. What’s a matter with you?”
I’m so proud.
What's it called when you're reeling in a fish you've just caught, and another one comes along and eats it?
Finterference
This statement at the bottom of your Just-Eat receipt.
The waiter said to me, “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”
I exclaimed, “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”
I just had a physical, the doctor said “don’t eat anything fatty”
I said “like bacon and burgers?”
He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
It's weird when I eat wheat, it gives me a huge headache But, if I get the wheat from someone else, I'm fine. It's just migraine.
My mom sent me this picture with the caption "Dad wants to know what he should eat first... He's just cracking himself up..."
My wife thinks it is not wrong to steal and eat the eggs i just fried
These are not poached eggs, she says.
I saw an ad that said "By investing just $15, you can sit and eat for your lifetime!" Naturally, I was interested and went there.
They were selling chairs.
Why don't zombies just not run fast, catch people and eat their brains immediately?
Because they are stuck on "shuffle mode".
My friend told me that she never just eats peanuts alone.
So I said that I only eat peanuts socially too.
I’m am not a father but everyone around me groaned after this exchange so I’m pretty proud.
When I eat alphabet soup, I like to eat the O's. But not the sad O's, just the cheeriO's
The sheep were slow to eat my lawn today -- turns out I just needed more ram.
Did you just eat my phone?
Well at least it's an apple.
