Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...

Because all the leaves are brown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BamaPaul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?

Because in France, one egg is Un ouef.

πŸ‘︎ 839
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tamizander
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest 50$ just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilessthanthreenyc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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Saving the planet with humour (Just Eat)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daniellaid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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If you get a message from the government warning not to eat tinned meat because is contains Covid-19, just ignore it.

It’s spam

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Octopus-Pawn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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My daughter just now... β€œDad, would you rather eat a raw fish or a matter baby?”

Me: β€œlove, what’s a matter baby?”

Her: β€œnothing. What’s a matter with you?”

I’m so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scubazz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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I guess this is just time to eat
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cringeygamer27
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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You can’t just eat random things, Becky
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/illegalBacon83
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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What's it called when you're reeling in a fish you've just caught, and another one comes along and eats it?

Finterference

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πŸ‘€︎ u/feathersoft
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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The waiter said to me, β€œI just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”

I exclaimed, β€œGood! I’ll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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I just had a physical, the doctor said β€œdon’t eat anything fatty”

I said β€œlike bacon and burgers?”

He said β€œno fatty, don’t eat anything!”

πŸ‘︎ 265
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πŸ‘€︎ u/call8212
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
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It's weird when I eat wheat, it gives me a huge headache But, if I get the wheat from someone else, I'm fine. It's just migraine.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xorflame
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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My mom sent me this picture with the caption "Dad wants to know what he should eat first... He's just cracking himself up..."
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2013
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My wife thinks it is not wrong to steal and eat the eggs i just fried

These are not poached eggs, she says.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MogolianShrimp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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Why don't zombies just not run fast, catch people and eat their brains immediately?

Because they are stuck on "shuffle mode".

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADD-INFP
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2017
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I saw an ad that said "By investing just $15, you can sit and eat for your lifetime!" Naturally, I was interested and went there.

They were selling chairs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/niranjan23d
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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My friend told me that she never just eats peanuts alone.

So I said that I only eat peanuts socially too.

I’m am not a father but everyone around me groaned after this exchange so I’m pretty proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunnyMemeName
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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When I eat alphabet soup, I like to eat the O's. But not the sad O's, just the cheeriO's
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackson160
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
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I would love to eat one corn dog, but 144 of them is just gross.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vaxis2113
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
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So have you ever had something just right in front of you and you just wanted to eat it?

on an unrelated note i lost my job as a gynecologist today...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_TheGamingBT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
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The sheep were slow to eat my lawn today -- turns out I just needed more ram.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLe99
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
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Did you just eat my phone?

Well at least it's an apple.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/speed3_driver
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2017
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I just can't eat sushi again, I saw a documentary about sushi that changed my mind about it.

Finding Nemo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podcastman
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2017
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