A list of puns related to "Whole Foods"
Their first product is 'My Hero Macadamia.'
No Whey, Jose!
Apparently donuts wasn't what they meant.
Went to WFs to buy some killer produce, specifically avocados. They sell both "organic" and "conventional" type avocados at the one near me. I decided to not overspend on four avocados so I went the conventional route. I take my poor man's avocados to the cashier to ring up and she asked "Are these organic?" I said, "no conventional, but still organic." She looked at me while handing me my receipt and said, "ooooh, that's a gooooood one. Bye bye."
Me: Nah. They they all have holes in 'em.
Everyone in room: Audible groan.
Wife: "Peter Dinklage was in the Asheville Whole Foods today."
Me: "Wow, he's rarely seen in public!"
Wife: "Oh?"
Me: "Yeah, he's easily overlooked."
Yeah man, they've got some sweet beats.
"You're job is a lot like my kids, you both sit around and cut the cheese all day."
My girlfriend and I were shopping for groceries for my place at whole foods yesterday and she was reading a list of things to buy. In the middle of the list was "Fungi". "Fungi? You mean mushrooms?" I asked. "No, we need fungi. Wait, we don't have to buy it. I have Chinese fungi at my place" she replied. "Hmmm. I don't like that you have a Chinese fungi at your place" "Why?!" "Well, how would YOU like it if I had a Chinese fun girl at my place?"
She laughed out loud. She's a keeper.
Kroger
Wal-Mart
Lucky's
Whole Foods
Winn Dixie
etc, etc
I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!
So Recently on a road trip back from the mountains, my friends and I decided to make a quick stop for gas and food. We all head into the supermarket located next to the gas station. The last of our friends makes it over and says, “I bought a pear.” Without thinking I respond with, “No you didn’t, you only bought one..” The look of disappointment in his face/his loud sigh, with my other friend struggling to contain himself made the whole trip a win.
Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.
I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.
I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.
You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.
Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.
My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.
How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.
Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. “WHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothing—just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.
Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.
Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes
Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's the food, or the bad music. But something about them feels like a whole year went by...
So last night, I decided to treat my husband to a big dinner. He piles food on his plate and begins to eat. A while later I heard him sigh out in contentment. So I proceeded to ask...
Me: Was it good?
Him: Yeah, I ate my whole plate and now I'm stuffed.
Me: Well you could've left the plate. I didn't look too tasty to me.
I got glared at.
So my whole family went out for the traditional Jewish Christmas Eve dinner of Chinese food, and I marveled at how good the place was, since we'd never tried it out before. Dad says it was a recommendation from a friend of his who I didn't know; I asked what she did and he said she was a 2-year old nursery school teacher.
I replied, "Wow, she must be pretty advanced for a 2-year old if they let her teach nursery school!" My step-mom laughed, then looked at me, then back at my dad, and went "well, he's definitely got your sense of humor."
I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.
I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, “Do you want a lift”. “No thanks”, they replied, “We’re Walkers”.
I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all £5 apart from one that was £10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said “that’s maderia cake”.
Bought some cream, it said “store in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.
Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.
A man says “I keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says “I’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.
I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden
What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.
Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.
The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.
Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.
You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.
Mexican candy makes my taste buds say “OLE!”
FORGET LOVE… I’
... keep reading on reddit ➡Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).
How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.
I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.
What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!
What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)
Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!
What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.
Going through Chick-Fil-A drive through-
Young Drive Through Lady: (Hands us a whole bunch of food)
Dad: Thanks
Young Drive Through Lady: Would you like some sacks? (Since there was a lot of food and for some reason she didn't put any of it in a bag)
Dad: Yes sex would be fine. (Staring at drive through lady)
Drive Through Lady: Sorry sir we don't sell that here. (Smiles and hands sack)
Dad: (Drives off laughing)
We ordered Chinese food last night, and my dad and I love spare ribs. My dad pulls out the bag with the ribs and plops it on the table, it makes a "Thunk" sound and I jumped "Wow! There are a lot in there!" I said.
My dad smirks and says "Ribs? I bet we got a whole chest!" He began to snicker a little at his own comment.
"What do you mean a chest? They are clearly in a bag!" I answered. The look of pride and anger in his eyes was one I will never forget.
And it's common to find döner and kebap as street food. After walking around a whole day with my friends, we found a 3 seat bench and squeezed all 4 of us on it. After we settled, I turned to my friends and said "Hehehe. 'Squish' kebap." Head shakes, groans, and "so bad, it's good" laughter followed.
As I pass a truck carrying horse food, I point to it and yell "HAY"
My whole family, slightly startled, looks around, at what I'm so excited about, then realize, and in unison roll their eyes and groan
First off, I'm new here. I've only been a dad for a few years but, I'm not sure i'll ever be able to top this and the circumstances of the set up were so chance and specific, I will never be able to use this again. This is what inspired me to seek you out and tell my story.
So, like most thanksgivings, we went to a relatives house and had very large but unusually early dinner. We went home and by nine or ten o'clock we had the little one off to sleep and my wife and I were getting hungry and wanted something simple. She asked for fast food and I was willing to oblige.
I drove to Taco Bell and it was closed. I called my wife, "sorry Taco Bell is closed. What do you want from BK?". I then drove to BK and discovered it was also closed. Called the wife "Sorry honey, BK is closed. What do you want from McDonald's?". You might see were this is going and, if you haven't already guessed it, Micky D's was closed too."Ok, I'm just going to the gas station. What do you want?" She asked for cheddar fries and I was willing to oblige. Got in side, no cheddar fries! I grab her funyuns. She like funyuns, it will be fine. As a joke (not the one we are leading up to) I called her on my way home and told her the gas station was closed too.
I got home, told her the truth about the gas station and gave her the back up back up back up back up back up plan bag of funyuns. She joked around about the number of times I had failed her in one outing (keep in mind, I had been giving her a hard time through this whole event) and then asked me for a soda from the fridge. So is This when the magic happened. I was opening the fridge when the gravity of the situation and what was at stake here suddenly struck me. I closed the fridge, got out a glass and filled it with water. I brought it back to her in the living room. She says "why did you bring me water?"
THE FRIDGE WAS CLOSED!
And my dad says, "They let you buy a slice of pizza at Whole Foods? I thought they only sold whole foods!"
Context: Whole Foods is a local grocery store in my area, in case that wasn't known/clear
"The dogs are out off food honey" said my wife. "you'd better go get some this afternoon or we'll have a mutiny on or hands" she insisted.
"Don't you mean a muttany?" I'll see myself out, the site to the store then.
The whole time thinking "oh man the dad's on reddit are gonna love this one"
It's my birthday and my whole family is here, my dad asked what a certain food was and my mum said
"this is spelt"
And my dad just went "how's that spelt then?!"
A wave of groans from around the table.
Dad: So tomorrow I am going to lost wages Me: What? Dad: Las Vegas, get it? -5 minutes later- Dad: We need to go shopping to whole paycheck Me: ? Dad: Sorry I meant whole foods, get it? cause it takes a whole paycheck to buy food there!
So I work in produce at whole foods. One of the guys I work with is an awesome older guy. Mid 40's. Anyway. Last night this happened. He comes up to me holding a beaten up looking pear and asks:
"If this pear was a bird what kind would it be"
"I don't know, what?"
"A pearot"
My coworker offered me their sandwich because I forgot my food and they had already eaten.
A friend dropped off a snack, but it wasn't enough to hold me over through my shift. The sandwich coworker was going home and handed me his sandwich before he left saying, "you better eat this whole thing."
So, I ate it during that shift. I walked in and saw him the next day. He asked, "did you eat that sandwich from yesterday?" I said "Yeah thanks" he said "Good, because you didn't have a choice, i would've been pissed if you wasted it" to which i responded, "Yeah it turned into a duty"
Preface: My dad, mom, and I went out to eat mexican food. Like we usually do, we order a huge platter of nachos and demolish the whole thing. Surely we are full even before our main course arrives. We all ordered combination platters that consisted of, burritos, enchiladas, and tacos which were overflowing with lettuce that no one except for my mom wanted to eat. My mom kept on nagging my dad and I to eat the lettuce so that it would lighten us up and make us feel less full:
Mom (for the 10th time): You boys should eat your lettuce. Come on now.
Me: Mom lettuce be!
Immediately my mom cringed and groaned, while my dad, after repeating the joke, gave a hearty chuckle.
So a couple guys and I went out to the local sandwich shop the other day, and when I get my sandwich there's some small but noticeable mold on the bread. I go back in to let them know about it and they make me another sandwich. I've got two sandwiches now and figure a bit of mold won't kill me. But it's a lot of food so I give half to my friend.
Then I say, "Hey, I just ate half my sandwich, and I've still got a whole one."
So my friend replies, "Well, I guess you can half your sandwich and eat it, too!"
This isn't a joke that came from a dad or anything but I hope it's worthy!
My father started waiting in 1979 and took one of his first jobs at this extremely fancy and expensive restaurant. The type of place that the waiters wore tuxedos and whatnot. Anyways my dad worked with this guy named Froggy (nickname of course) whom my dad still praises to this day that he's one of the best waiters he's ever worked with.
Anyways, one night it's extremely busy and both my father and Froggy were rushing around trying to keep up. Well Froggy had this table with about 5-7 people all who looked like they wore expensive clothing, ordered the best food and so on. Well one of the guys ordered a baked potato as a side and Froggy proceeds with typical waiter stuff as asks if he wanted sour cream with his baked potato. The man says yes so Froggy scoops the cream and attempts to place it on the potato. Well... as he was moving to place it on, the cream slipped off and right onto this guys extremely expensive sweater... Completely in shock, the customer turns to Froggy and without missing a beat, Froggy slowly turns his head in a comical fashion towards the ceiling and proclaims "Those damn pigeons!"
Needless to say every single person in that table were crying with laughter, including my father one table over who observed the whole ordeal. Froggy said he'd pay for the dry cleaning and the customer said not to worry about it because it was the most hilarious thing he's seen in ages.
My mom had come to visit me for the first time since I got married. She'd never been around cats before. In the morning when we were getting ready our cat start crying to be fed. My mom offered to do it and headed off before I could say anything.
We always give our cat 1/3 of a scoop 3 times a day, but I saw that my mom had given her an entire scoop. I said, "You just gave her the whole day's food in one fell scoop!
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