Take that talking tree!
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spicynate45
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
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Boss: Tell me about suzanne Me: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away

Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away

πŸ‘︎ 230
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schwifty98
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...

Cuttlefish instead?

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevographic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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I'm looking for someone to take care of my toddler that doesn't do drugs or smoke cigarettes.

Seriously, he's been teetotal for months now.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
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An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a comedy that takes place in multiple decades?

A comedy of eras

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/philzang
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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We’re in the process of potty training my two year old. My wife took her into the bathroom and argued with her that she’s not allowed to take toys into the bathroom.

I interrupted her and told her that it is in fact called a toy-let.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zxcoblex
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...

...then we'll be C6.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunstoned1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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I had a dog named Trump that I had to take back to the shelter

He kept on Biden me

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmar4234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was prescribed medication but couldn't take it. It was impossible to get that damn lid off...

You might have heard of it. It's called Tryopenin.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my wife that I would never take her for granite.

Though, I probably would for marble.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhench78
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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After watching Hubie Halloween I realized that every Adam Sandler movie takes place in the same universe.

Unfortunately, it's the one we live in.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/csteelatgburg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Why are there no Vampire stories that take place in Africa?

I thought about this for awhile, then it hit me that Vampires are weak to holy water. The rains are blessed down in Africa.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainB_MANN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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My wife left a note on the fridge that said, β€œIt’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”

I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?

R2 detour

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goldygold2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"

GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you take somebody that has been injured in a Peek-a-Boo accident?

The I.C.U.

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SyncingShiip
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?

A floss-o-raptor

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WheezyDaStarfish
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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What do you call a person that takes a nap in front of a car?

Tired.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ARBITER0FDEATH
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.

I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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That’s it, I’ve observed long enough!! Now it’s time to take:
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Good_Alibi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you know that it takes 3 sheep to make one sweater?

Amazing, I didn't even know they could knit.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad invented a belt made of herbs that takes you 5 minutes into the future.

It took 6 minutes to put on. It was a waist of thyme

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…

I didn't even know they could knit!

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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This takes "Puff Puff Pass" to a whole new level! And that's my effort a t a weak pun...
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hootanahalf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife demanded that I take the spider that was in the kitchen, out…

Nice guy! We got a couple of beers. He wants to be a web developer someday.

πŸ‘︎ 468
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skylly100
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to create a birth control pill that you take just before sex. The pill could even be mint flavored.

I’ll call them pre dick a-mints

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
When Hurricane Dorian hits Florida, I'm going to check out my window for the clouds to get really grey. When they're at peak greyness I'll take a picture. That way Ill always have The Picture of Dorian Grey.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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Wow i have to take onenote from that guy, made me laugh so bad i had to go to the DOC
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flareflo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Now that I have more time, I’ve decided to take care of my health and eat a more balanced diet.

I haven’t dropped any food so far!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StCecilia98
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my Granddaughter be careful with that Chinese take out soup it’s heavy-

It’s Won-Ton

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boipaul27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
[SFW] Take a look at that camel toe
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thottprocess
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Shoplifting is illegal, but that's whisk I'm willing to take
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jvarblow
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to know a guy who was all about getting his waffle in the morning. That's all he'd talk about! He'd even take people's toast out of the toaster and put in his waffles.

He's such an Eggo-maniac

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to take the stair chair lift because of his age.

It’s driving him up the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call 100 rabbits in a straight line that take a step back at the same time?

Receding hare line

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pscud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Scientists and programmers have gotten together to write computer code that will not only warn of future global warming but also take credit for inventing the internet.

It's an new Al-Gore-rithm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?

Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Can you take care of that? Faster?
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kennydoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:

"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."

Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My father and I were setting up camp. As we were setting up, he said he had to take a dump and that while he does that, I need to finish tying up the tent. I asked β€œreally?”. To which he replied:

β€œI shit, you knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irorii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…

I didn't even know they could knit!

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2017
🚨︎ report
What do call a comedy film that takes place in multiple decades?

A comedy of eras

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?

R2 detour.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?

R2 detour.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report

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