Boss: Tell me about suzanne Me: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away
I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...
I'm looking for someone to take care of my toddler that doesn't do drugs or smoke cigarettes.
Seriously, he's been teetotal for months now.
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
What do you call a comedy that takes place in multiple decades?
We’re in the process of potty training my two year old. My wife took her into the bathroom and argued with her that she’s not allowed to take toys into the bathroom.
I interrupted her and told her that it is in fact called a toy-let.
Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...
I had a dog named Trump that I had to take back to the shelter
I was prescribed medication but couldn't take it. It was impossible to get that damn lid off...
You might have heard of it. It's called Tryopenin.
I told my wife that I would never take her for granite.
Though, I probably would for marble.
After watching Hubie Halloween I realized that every Adam Sandler movie takes place in the same universe.
Unfortunately, it's the one we live in.
Why are there no Vampire stories that take place in Africa?
I thought about this for awhile, then it hit me that Vampires are weak to holy water. The rains are blessed down in Africa.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"
GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"
Where do you take somebody that has been injured in a Peek-a-Boo accident?
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
What do you call a person that takes a nap in front of a car?
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
That’s it, I’ve observed long enough!! Now it’s time to take:
Did you know that it takes 3 sheep to make one sweater?
Amazing, I didn't even know they could knit.
My dad invented a belt made of herbs that takes you 5 minutes into the future.
It took 6 minutes to put on. It was a waist of thyme
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…
I didn't even know they could knit!
This takes "Puff Puff Pass" to a whole new level! And that's my effort a t a weak pun...
My wife demanded that I take the spider that was in the kitchen, out…
Nice guy! We got a couple of beers. He wants to be a web developer someday.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
I want to create a birth control pill that you take just before sex. The pill could even be mint flavored.
I’ll call them pre dick a-mints
When Hurricane Dorian hits Florida, I'm going to check out my window for the clouds to get really grey. When they're at peak greyness I'll take a picture. That way Ill always have The Picture of Dorian Grey.
Wow i have to take onenote from that guy, made me laugh so bad i had to go to the DOC
Now that I have more time, I’ve decided to take care of my health and eat a more balanced diet.
I haven’t dropped any food so far!
I told my Granddaughter be careful with that Chinese take out soup it’s heavy-
[SFW] Take a look at that camel toe
Shoplifting is illegal, but that's whisk I'm willing to take
I used to know a guy who was all about getting his waffle in the morning. That's all he'd talk about! He'd even take people's toast out of the toaster and put in his waffles.
My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to take the stair chair lift because of his age.
It’s driving him up the wall.
What do you call 100 rabbits in a straight line that take a step back at the same time?
Scientists and programmers have gotten together to write computer code that will not only warn of future global warming but also take credit for inventing the internet.
It's an new Al-Gore-rithm
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?
Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.
Can you take care of that? Faster?
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:
"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
My father and I were setting up camp. As we were setting up, he said he had to take a dump and that while he does that, I need to finish tying up the tent. I asked “really?”. To which he replied:
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…
I didn't even know they could knit!
What do call a comedy film that takes place in multiple decades?
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
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