I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.
He has selfie steam issues.
Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?
Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.
Why can’t 2021 take a picture in the dark
because it doesn’t have flash
My brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
My wife told me to take the spider out
I took him out, and he was a nice guy. Turns out he’s a web designer!
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.
They're to prevent meltdowns.
What's the best date to take a pansexual on?
Mom told me to take out the spider
Road trip - why did the Dad tell the kids to take out their pencil and pad?
The sign said Draw bridge.
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
I ordered a Hit Man to take care of my business partner the other day.
After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.
He'd been despatched.
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.
But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.
Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters.
One day the Canadians will take over the world....
Then you'll all be sorry.
Had to take my blind roommate to the hospital today.
Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet .
Did you know you can hire a guide to take you through the labyrinth in sixty seconds?
When my son refused to take a nap, the police got involved!
Understandable, since he was resisting a rest!
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it well. Started insulting and attacking everyone and threw his own feces on the walls.
I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.
How does the moon take a bath?
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That shit is getting old," I told him.
PS: Do I get any extra credit if this is a real story?
Where did the shepherd take his sheep after it got lost and nearly died of hypothermia?
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a hamster?
I had a dog named Trump that I had to take back to the shelter
Why did the Japanese brewer take fermented rice to church ?
Never take the p out of a pirate.
Why do pickles never take the stairs?
If the cameramen who take photos of celebrities are the paparazzi...
then the cameramen who take photos of poor people are the pauperazzi
Why can't the ocean take a joke?
Son: “I’m gonna take the dog for a walk”
Dad: “ok great. Collar. Leash.”
Son: “no dad. Call her sparky!”
So proud of my son for coming up with this on the spur of the moment!
After watching Hubie Halloween I realized that every Adam Sandler movie takes place in the same universe.
Unfortunately, it's the one we live in.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
My 4y olds temp is a bit high this morning so I told her she was as sick as a dog we have to take her to the vet.
She was a bit scared a very confused until we showed up at grandmas house as usual. Happy Veterans Day to my mom and those who served ! and thanks to all of you that are AD | NAD | TRS | TAMP for your service.
Who did Fankenstein take to the dance?
I finally managed to take the perfect nude and felt comfortable sending it to my wife
My secretary looked extra beautiful in that light and atmosphere!
What's the best date to take a pansexual on?
My brother prefers to take the stairs but I prefer the escalator.
I guess we were raised differently.
The Police Showed Up When My Son Refused to Take a Nap
They charged him with resisting a rest.
What do you get when the Pope takes a dump?
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