I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/korabdrg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?

Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrandMoffTarkan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
β€ͺWhy can’t 2021 take a picture in the dark

because it doesn’t have flash

πŸ‘︎ 204
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZETA_RETICULI_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to take the spider out

I took him out, and he was a nice guy. Turns out he’s a web designer!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/takuache_beaner
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.

They're to prevent meltdowns.

πŸ‘︎ 243
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best date to take a pansexual on?

Take them out for a wok.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Mom told me to take out the spider
πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilliCherry
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Road trip - why did the Dad tell the kids to take out their pencil and pad?

The sign said Draw bridge.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peacetoall1969
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

A comma.

A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...

"Your kid in me."

πŸ‘︎ 743
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered a Hit Man to take care of my business partner the other day.

After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.

He'd been despatched.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmoBM
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zagmut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: β€˜Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: β€˜I think she’s fishing.’


Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine β€˜Daaaad’.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KravMata
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.

But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?

For hispanic attacks

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonathanWickers
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters.

Only Tolkiens

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
One day the Canadians will take over the world....

Then you'll all be sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFoShow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Had to take my blind roommate to the hospital today.

Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet .

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can hire a guide to take you through the labyrinth in sixty seconds?

It's a minute tour.

πŸ‘︎ 181
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
When my son refused to take a nap, the police got involved!

Understandable, since he was resisting a rest!

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it well. Started insulting and attacking everyone and threw his own feces on the walls.

I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.

πŸ‘︎ 804
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yankee9Niner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the moon take a bath?

It has meteor showers!

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.

"That shit is getting old," I told him.

PS: Do I get any extra credit if this is a real story?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did the shepherd take his sheep after it got lost and nearly died of hypothermia?

The icy ewe.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.

He had no idea he had started a turf war.

πŸ‘︎ 537
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a hamster?
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a dog named Trump that I had to take back to the shelter

He kept on Biden me

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmar4234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Japanese brewer take fermented rice to church ?

For Christ's sakΓ© !

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kshawshank
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Never take the p out of a pirate.

They become quite angry.

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do pickles never take the stairs?

They're cucumbersome!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
If the cameramen who take photos of celebrities are the paparazzi...

then the cameramen who take photos of poor people are the pauperazzi

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RTXChungusTi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't the ocean take a joke?

Because it's too salty.

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Medara
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: β€œI’m gonna take the dog for a walk”

Dad: β€œok great. Collar. Leash.”

Son: β€œno dad. Call her sparky!”

So proud of my son for coming up with this on the spur of the moment!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drgrd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
After watching Hubie Halloween I realized that every Adam Sandler movie takes place in the same universe.

Unfortunately, it's the one we live in.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/csteelatgburg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My 4y olds temp is a bit high this morning so I told her she was as sick as a dog we have to take her to the vet.

She was a bit scared a very confused until we showed up at grandmas house as usual. Happy Veterans Day to my mom and those who served ! and thanks to all of you that are AD | NAD | TRS | TAMP for your service.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Who did Fankenstein take to the dance?

His Ghoulfriend.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally managed to take the perfect nude and felt comfortable sending it to my wife

My secretary looked extra beautiful in that light and atmosphere!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best date to take a pansexual on?

Take them out for a wok.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My brother prefers to take the stairs but I prefer the escalator.

I guess we were raised differently.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The Police Showed Up When My Son Refused to Take a Nap

They charged him with resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when the Pope takes a dump?

Holy Shit

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report

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