If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it well. Started insulting and attacking everyone and threw his own feces on the walls.
I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.
With on 75 days until Biden takes oath...
We'll have a lame Donald Duck period.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
On a post about a washed up whale. This person SEAS the opportunity and they take it!
I spent $2000 on a top-of-the-line DSLR camera to take a picture of a beautiful wheat field at sunset...
A punny take on the coronavirus situation using movies/tv series as puns
.... I didn't want to take a chance on him
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
My friend takes bets on who's the ugliest person in a crowd.
I came home and saw a note from my wife stuck on the fridge: “I’m sorry. This isn’t working. You take things too literally. Goodbye.”
She will be so happy when she finds out I ordered a new one.
My first pun on here. I really hope it takes off.
If a child is refusing to take their nap or go to bed... can I call the cops on them?
Technically they are resisting a rest!
My dad tried to take the phone from me, saying he could get us a better deal on internet.. I hate this man, lol
He took the phone, and said, in the voice of Freddie Mercury, "Is this the wi-fi? Is this just fantasy?...Caught in a landline, we don't need AT&T.." and then passed the phone back. We already have AT&T, and I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH A FRIEND THAT DOES ACCOUNTING?, NOTHING TO DO WITH SOMEONE CALLING OUR HOUSE. No more Crockpot broccoli and cheese soup using weed butter for him. Good god... I'm almost impressed. We also haven't had a landline in years. God bless this small dog weilding, vaping man.
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke.
How did I do?
Why would someone take a break from what they were doing after stepping on a tack?
It was a tack-xing experience.
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?
Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.
Dad died 17 years ago, but mom takes on the responsibility
I have posted about 10 puns on this subreddit to see if they would take off.
Two Irishmen rob a grocery store of a pallet of exotic macadamia nuts to sell on the black market. They begin to argue about where to take the pallet when the passenger says "You're driving me nuts!" The driver replies..
I wasn’t allowed to take my board game as a carry on luggage onto the aeroplane.
They said that the Risk was too big.
My neighbour lends people money, but refuses to take on partners or associates.
He's a lone-wolf loan-shark.
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:
"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
My first job was telling golfers how much time a scratch player should take to complete a hole on the golf course...
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Take the day off camera, I’ll put on the 10 pounds on my self.
My friend used to take care of the lawn on a rich man's estate but now runs a coffee wholesale store...
He calls it The Groundskeeper.
I was planning on having chicken for dinner but I forgot to take it out of the freezer.
It wasn’t a well thawed out plan.
I knew it was a mistake to take my friend who failed to appear in court out on my leaky sailboat.
As soon as it started leaking, he skipped bail.
I bet they’re better dancers too 😂 a take on the song Pretty Fly for a White Guy. Found outside a local flower/plant shop OC
There are two reasons I don't take my girlfriend on long drives in my Tesla.
One I don't have a girlfriend.
Two I don't have a Tesla.
On take your kid to work day I brought my son to my glue factory
Im not sure why but we really bonded that day
Why did the father take the computer out for a night on the town?
My brother and I inherited a watch from my grandfather, which we take turns wearing on special occasions.
Kermit the frog went to the bank to get a mortgage for a new lilypad. He walked up to the desk of loan officer Patricia Whack and placed a small porcelain statue of an angel on her desk asking if she would take it as collateral. "What is that?" she asked...
It's a knick knack, patty whack. Give a frog a loan?
I take pictures from r/breakfast and post them on my Facebook page.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
I had to call the cops on my son for refusing to take a nap.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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