Contraction Puns

"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Who're

it's what it's

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

I said whatever. It's what it's.

I got there as soon as I can and called her back , “Right. I’m now at the hospital. What do you want me to do now?”

Me: So you think he might be born by midnight?

Her: I dunno...we might get in there and the triage nurse says I'm only 1cm

Me: Hmmm...I think you're more like 5'2"

It went down as well as you might expect.

My dad: Can't she hold it in? It's Independence Day not Labor Day!

They hooked up the monitoring belt to her and I asked the nurse if the sensors could send data to my phone. She said no, but I was really hoping for push notifications.

"Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

It's time to make like a fetus and head out this mother

“Those are just contractions.”

I'm in agreement.

Yeah! Because they have anti-bodies.

ORGANized dismissal

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

This is because they're filled with anty bodies.

I wouldn't accept his perms and conditions.

What are your best dad jokes for the maternity visit? The baby is days away and I need an arsenal for these here finger guns (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞

It's because they're ice-o-lated.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

To clarify, WHO let the dogs out

He works in Africa setting up the electrical systems for the schools and hospitals that a mission is helping build. During his work there he meets a pastor and they chat and eventually become friends. One day the electrician mentions to his friend the idea that the priest should say some prayers for the system once him and his co-workers are finished setting up the electrical system.

A couple years later, the priest is at a charity event where he is talking to the various guests.

One asks "I heard you did work in Africa, what exactly did you do there?"

And the priest replies "I blessed the mains down in Africa".

He croaked.

My dad responded: "We could all be getting viruses from our computers right now."

A hippocritic oaf.

It's called the Santa Clause

Baggers can't be choosers after all.

Too much violins on tv.

I'm.

He made a killing.

The man looks shocked and asks "Oh no! What's the Cure?"

But it was on the house.

But every time I visit the countryside I get soft and lose my edge

He got a Hefty contract.

She told me ”Dad, If you want a cat, you should expect a fee line.” I’m so proud!

“Don’t worry, they’re only contractions.”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

“My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!”

“Calm down,” the 911 operator says. “Is this her first child?”

“No, you idiot!” the guy shouts. “This is her husband!”

Dino-sores.

She sent me a contract or agreement by which one receives fixed payments on an investment for a lifetime or for a specified number of years

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.

After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.

"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.

"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."

"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking."

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

My dad said to the doctor, “don’t worry those are just contractions”

So it seems that the World Health Organisation has determined that canines cannot contract or transmit the CORONAVIRUS. They are releasing all dogs from infected homes which are currently in quarantine.

Yes, we're happy to say that WHO let the dogs out. WHO? WHO, WHO,WHO. WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!

Thank you very much, I'm here all week. Dont forget to tip your waitress....

A nurse asked her what's wrong, and my wife screamed, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shook her head and said, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

My wife's face contorted in pain as she shouted, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

He was always giving my wife contractions.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. Now we know WHO let the dogs out.

But I NEVER let them put anything at the bottom of the page.

That's where I draw the line.

The fine print.

A man was very unhappily married and tired of being in debt. So he figured out a way to resolve both of his problems with ease. He started by taking out a life insurance policy on his wife, naming himself as the sole beneficiary. Then, he spoke to a friend, who had a friend, who knew a guy who made people "disappear". He met with the gentleman, Artie, and they set up the plot to murder his wife. Artie said it would only be $5,000, but he wanted it upfront. The man, not having much money, opened his wallet and showed Artie the lone one dollar bill. Reluctantly, Artie took the dollar as a down payment. A few days later, Artie followed the wife into a grocery store, and back to the deli section. There was no one else around, so Artie took the opportunity to strangle her to death. Just as he was laying her body down, the manager walked out to witness this scene. Not wanting to leave any witnesses, Artie murdered the manager as well. Unbeknownst to Artie, the store's security witnessed all

The wife is pregnant and I’ll be a dad at any moment. The contractions are getting closer!

The doctor said to the husband, "don't get too alarmed... She's just having contractions."

Your Rabie-Cs

I think she's having contractions!

"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”

He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence

And I said, “Honey, watch out for those double contractions! They’re brutal.”

There shouldn’t’ve been another one for at least 10 minutes,

Well it started out as herpes. Guess it's ourpes now.

Creds to /u/straydog1980 for making my day.

I was explaining the interesting L-glucose thing I saw on Reddit t'other day to my diabetic father.

Dad: oh, so it's Spanish glucose then?

He thought it was great.

Edit: TIL I am a neckbeard-Yorkshireman with a Dad who literally bats for 't'other side' - for anyone still in the dark,"t'other" is contraction of "the other" commonly heard in NE England; it is commonly used elsewhere as a lighthearted/bucolic affectation.

Her husband: Doctor, is that...thieves cant? Doctor: No, those are contractions.

He got a Hefty contract.

Good thing I insisted on the pre-nap agreement.

Suddenly, the contractions start. “CAN’T, WON’T, I’M, HAVEN’T, DON’T, ISN’T!” she yelled

Contract lenses.

And says "I'm going to check and see how far along you are," but was referring to my wife's contractions.

With the swiftness of a galloping cheetah, I say "can confirm she's 9 months pregnant, no need to check."

Wife: "Jesus..."

My Wife "OH GOD HERE COMES ANOTHER CONTRACTION"! Me "Can't".

When I was younger, I had a friend, he always used to make fun of me for having a pay as you go plan on my phone. “You have a pay as you go phone. you have a pay as you go phone.” He would laugh. I decided to put a stop to it, so I took out a contract, and had him killed

"911" "911"

Hi yeah my wife's having contractions, we need an ambulance

"Is this her first baby?"

No, this is her husband

We don't take kindly to beach of contract

He’s a contract killer.

do they add to contracts a Santa Clause?

I shrugged it off at first, but then I started feeling really under the weather, so I went to see my doctor.

Good thing I did, turns out I actually contracted a pretty serious mallard-y.

It’s okay though. His business is contracted by the city to maintain them.

For fear of contracting hearing aids.

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

So there was this hitman named Arti, renown for his very affordable prices. One day, he gets 3 contracts. He follows them around, keeping track of their daily habits, and finds that each of them go to the the grocery store after work at the same time.

Planning to get all 3 at once, he makes him move and like always, was extremely successful.

The next day, the headlines read, "Arti Chokes 3 for a dollar at Safeway"

I was Santa she was a naughty girl. 'Unfortunately you've been a naughty girl and you're on Santas naughty list and wont be receiving any presents this year.' 'oh no Santa i really want a present i'll do anything to get on your good list' 'oh i dont know if there is a way i'm afraid' you're just going to have to bend over my knee and take your spank now.' bare butt spanks occur 'Please Santa let me on your good list I'm begging you' 'Well come to think of it there is a Claus in the contract' .... Then realising the accidental Santa Claus pun I made I had to be sure she got it. 'Get it! CLAUS HHAHAHA CLAUS LIKE SANTA CLAUS HAHAHAHHAA' yeah she didnt find it as funny as me... No sex for me..

so my mothers friend andy is helping her install a new TV, and this string of puns resulted:

ME: thanks for helping out around here, nice to have an ANDY-man

ANDY: oh that was a good one

BROTHER: i Don't know, i thought the delivery was kinda WOODEN

ME: wow, thanks for HAMMERING that home, pesonally i think i NAILED it, so SCREW you

BROTHER: will you just CONTRACT aids already (edgy ik)

ME: oh come on, i don't think you're being very CONSTRUCTIVE

BROTHER: i'm sorry, feeling a little PLASTERED right now.

Both of us: burst out laughing

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/309261/whats_the_hardest_english_word_to_pronounce/cpqrd1a

Q: What's the hardest English word to pronounce? A: No, what's not even close to being the hardest word to pronounce. Sheesh.

Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)

Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back." Me- "What periods do you have him?" Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period." Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."

Grunts and cringes ensued