My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, "What's wrong?". She screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sexxc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€. She screamed. โ€œThese contractions are going to kill me!!โ€

โ€œI am sorry, honey,โ€ I replied. โ€œWhat is wrong?โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bakedschwarzenbach
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What's your mom's favorite contraction

Who're

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PlusUltra__
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is ok

it's what it's

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wawoodworth
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, โ€œI wouldnโ€™t.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PachaLives
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My coworkers told me that I have a problem understanding how contractions work.

I said whatever. It's what it's.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tvkyle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife called me at work and said, โ€œHon, Iโ€™m having contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital.โ€

I got there as soon as I can and called her back , โ€œRight. Iโ€™m now at the hospital. What do you want me to do now?โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 36
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got my girlfriend (in labour with our first son, having strong contractions) on the way to the hospital

Me: So you think he might be born by midnight?

Her: I dunno...we might get in there and the triage nurse says I'm only 1cm

Me: Hmmm...I think you're more like 5'2"

It went down as well as you might expect.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 354
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RadToTheBone86
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So my pregnant aunt began to have contractions...

My dad: Can't she hold it in? It's Independence Day not Labor Day!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/legoalpha321
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife is currently in the hospital having contractions.

They hooked up the monitoring belt to her and I asked the nurse if the sensors could send data to my phone. She said no, but I was really hoping for push notifications.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 101
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Brewchacki
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do!?"

"Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 01 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife is almost a week overdue, and is just now starting to have contractions

It's time to make like a fetus and head out this mother

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/alkaline810
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldnโ€™t! wouldnโ€™t! couldnโ€™t! didnโ€™t! canโ€™t! The doctor says "don't worry."

โ€œThose are just contractions.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VVIIVVI
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My doctor said I've contracted something

I'm in agreement.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mrthatsthat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you know ants can't contract Covid?

Yeah! Because they have anti-bodies.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bagergens
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Whatโ€™s the name of the contract organ donors have to sign

ORGANized dismissal

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ROLLTIDE2006
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
the rest of the world gradually contracted coronavirus. china got it right off the bat.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gid__rainey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. All dogs being held in quarantine will be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tregratinator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.

This is because they're filled with anty bodies.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 91
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/four12pls8
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My barber wanted we to sign a contract before cutting my hair, but I refused...

I wouldn't accept his perms and conditions.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KW-DadJoker
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
REQUEST: Dads, Lend me your strength!

What are your best dad jokes for the maternity visit? The baby is days away and I need an arsenal for these here finger guns (โ˜ž๏พŸใƒฎ๏พŸ)โ˜ž

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jeromaroo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Nobody in Anatartica has contracted Covid-19

It's because they're ice-o-lated.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Angst_Fury
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 46
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jakeataylorr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dogs can not contract coronavirus and do not have to quarantined anymore according to the world health organization

To clarify, WHO let the dogs out

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wallaster27
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
An electrician is contracted to do some work in Africa

He works in Africa setting up the electrical systems for the schools and hospitals that a mission is helping build. During his work there he meets a pastor and they chat and eventually become friends. One day the electrician mentions to his friend the idea that the priest should say some prayers for the system once him and his co-workers are finished setting up the electrical system.

A couple years later, the priest is at a charity event where he is talking to the various guests.

One asks "I heard you did work in Africa, what exactly did you do there?"

And the priest replies "I blessed the mains down in Africa".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheKakattack
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the frog do when he contracted coronavirus?

He croaked.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tradyk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My brother was stressing that someone in our house could contract the coronavirus by going out for supplies.

My dad responded: "We could all be getting viruses from our computers right now."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DesertWolf45
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a healthcare worker that doesnโ€™t self-isolate after contracting COVID-19?

A hippocritic oaf.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Phaedruswine
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
In my company, you have to agree to not shaving beard in the contract

It's called the Santa Clause

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pacson_So_Funny
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Even in places where grocery workers are allowed to unionize people who do bagging work have no say on what goes into each new contract.

Baggers can't be choosers after all.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Wholesome too
๐Ÿ‘︎ 13k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BanAllPineapples
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did the orchestra loose its tv contract?

Too much violins on tv.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/slvrdiver
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Quick aside. If admiral ackbar contracted a minnow-scule amount of salmon-ella poisson-ing while tuna-ing his guitar on his carp-et, would he instead need to use his bass tonight?
๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/joker-here
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
is anyone else in favor of using contracted words as full sentences?

I'm.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/finestjuggler
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I was reading about the guy who invented contract hits?

He made a killing.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/potatosgalore
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man is at a doctor's appointment and the Doctor returns and tells the man "I'm sorry, sir, but you've contracted a disease that has erased all memories of 80's music from your mind."

The man looks shocked and asks "Oh no! What's the Cure?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 61
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kopar199
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I contracted someone to build a chimney. I thought it'd be expensive...

But it was on the house.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/awssjay
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I'm a successful salesman for mobile internet contracts

But every time I visit the countryside I get soft and lose my edge

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/D0tBlue
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My friend just became CEO of a garbage bag company.

He got a Hefty contract.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I took my daughter to adopt a cat at the shelter. I was surprised we had to sign an itemized legal contract with expected costs. When I told the clerk I thought rescuing a cat would be free...

She told me โ€Dad, If you want a cat, you should expect a fee line.โ€ Iโ€™m so proud!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tarynxm
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 21 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A woman in labor started shouting, โ€œShouldnโ€™t, wouldnโ€™t, canโ€™t donโ€™t.โ€ The doctor turned to the husband and said,

โ€œDonโ€™t worry, theyโ€™re only contractions.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/labink
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, โ€œShouldnโ€™t! Wouldnโ€™t! Couldnโ€™t! Didnโ€™t! Canโ€™t!โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t worry,โ€ said the doctor. โ€œThose are just contractions.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 128
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A guy calls 911 in a panic.

โ€œMy wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!โ€

โ€œCalm down,โ€ the 911 operator says. โ€œIs this her first child?โ€

โ€œNo, you idiot!โ€ the guy shouts. โ€œThis is her husband!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nihilman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What does a Tyrannosaurus Rex get when he contracts an STD?

Dino-sores.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 49
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andyraf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I asked my hot lawyer wife for a new nudie

She sent me a contract or agreement by which one receives fixed payments on an investment for a lifetime or for a specified number of years

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hotsprings1234
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.

After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.

"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.

"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."

"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Y2KoNo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and Iโ€™ve no idea why...

The sign clearly said, โ€œFine for parking."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, โ€œShouldnโ€™t! Wouldnโ€™t! Couldnโ€™t! Didnโ€™t! Canโ€™t!โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t worry,โ€ said the doc. โ€œThose are just contractions.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 491
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anthonybrose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
When my mom was in labor she suddenly shouted โ€œShouldnโ€™t! Wouldnโ€™t! Couldnโ€™t! Didnโ€™t! Canโ€™t!โ€

My dad said to the doctor, โ€œdonโ€™t worry those are just contractionsโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cool-kid103
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
WHO?

So it seems that the World Health Organisation has determined that canines cannot contract or transmit the CORONAVIRUS. They are releasing all dogs from infected homes which are currently in quarantine.

Yes, we're happy to say that WHO let the dogs out. WHO? WHO, WHO,WHO. WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!

Thank you very much, I'm here all week. Dont forget to tip your waitress....

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mdoldon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My pregnant wife hobbled into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asked her what's wrong, and my wife screamed, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shook her head and said, "I'm sorryโ€ฆI don't understand."

My wife's face contorted in pain as she shouted, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I named my kid Apostrophe

He was always giving my wife contractions.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/forgottencheese1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Who knew dogs were immune?

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. Now we know WHO let the dogs out.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/schlayer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
As a lawyer, I don't mind if my clients write up their own contracts

But I NEVER let them put anything at the bottom of the page.

That's where I draw the line.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 36
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lanspread
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What is the sexiest part of a contract?

The fine print.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RagingDraugr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Artie the Contract Killer (long)

A man was very unhappily married and tired of being in debt. So he figured out a way to resolve both of his problems with ease. He started by taking out a life insurance policy on his wife, naming himself as the sole beneficiary. Then, he spoke to a friend, who had a friend, who knew a guy who made people "disappear". He met with the gentleman, Artie, and they set up the plot to murder his wife. Artie said it would only be $5,000, but he wanted it upfront. The man, not having much money, opened his wallet and showed Artie the lone one dollar bill. Reluctantly, Artie took the dollar as a down payment. A few days later, Artie followed the wife into a grocery store, and back to the deli section. There was no one else around, so Artie took the opportunity to strangle her to death. Just as he was laying her body down, the manager walked out to witness this scene. Not wanting to leave any witnesses, Artie murdered the manager as well. Unbeknownst to Artie, the store's security witnessed all

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/marriedwithkids96
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Shouldnโ€™t....canโ€™t...wonโ€™t..

The wife is pregnant and Iโ€™ll be a dad at any moment. The contractions are getting closer!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thisguysucks2much
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A lady was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

The doctor said to the husband, "don't get too alarmed... She's just having contractions."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 265
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What must you learn after contracting Rabies?

Your Rabie-Cs

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cleverchase
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 06 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Near the end of my wife's pregnancy she suddenly began yelling out "can't!", "won't!", "shan't!", "mustn't!", and suddenly it dawned on me..

I think she's having contractions!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DeathcampEnthusiast
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"

"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KairuSmairukon
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Wife texts husband on a cold winterโ€™s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rangatan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 24 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....

He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence

๐Ÿ‘︎ 41
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/david7494
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
When our first child was on the way, my wife told the doctor in maternity โ€œWeโ€™dโ€™ve been here sooner if my husband could drive betterโ€

And I said, โ€œHoney, watch out for those double contractions! Theyโ€™re brutal.โ€

There shouldnโ€™tโ€™ve been another one for at least 10 minutes,

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xwhy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad joke found in an Askreddit thread regarding contracting herpes.

Well it started out as herpes. Guess it's ourpes now.

Creds to /u/straydog1980 for making my day.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My Dad literally just came out with this in the car...

I was explaining the interesting L-glucose thing I saw on Reddit t'other day to my diabetic father.

Dad: oh, so it's Spanish glucose then?

He thought it was great.

Edit: TIL I am a neckbeard-Yorkshireman with a Dad who literally bats for 't'other side' - for anyone still in the dark,"t'other" is contraction of "the other" commonly heard in NE England; it is commonly used elsewhere as a lighthearted/bucolic affectation.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Squibly_Giblets
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A rogue in labour was shouting: Can't! Can't! Can't!

Her husband: Doctor, is that...thieves cant? Doctor: No, those are contractions.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DandyBeyond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My friend just got hired as a CEO for a garbage bag company.

He got a Hefty contract.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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My wife wanted me to see our 2yo only in the afternoon

Good thing I insisted on the pre-nap agreement.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/timorl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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My wife is pregnant, due any day now.

Suddenly, the contractions start. โ€œCANโ€™T, WONโ€™T, Iโ€™M, HAVENโ€™T, DONโ€™T, ISNโ€™T!โ€ she yelled

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theedandy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
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I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents...

Contract lenses.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dens382
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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Nurse comes in

And says "I'm going to check and see how far along you are," but was referring to my wife's contractions.

With the swiftness of a galloping cheetah, I say "can confirm she's 9 months pregnant, no need to check."

Wife: "Jesus..."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hiimfatgirl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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While taking my pregnant wife to the hospital after her water had broken, I thought she would see the humor since she has a Masters in English. She did not.

My Wife "OH GOD HERE COMES ANOTHER CONTRACTION"! Me "Can't".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 72
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hemidak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 09 2017
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A sad story

When I was younger, I had a friend, he always used to make fun of me for having a pay as you go plan on my phone. โ€œYou have a pay as you go phone. you have a pay as you go phone.โ€ He would laugh. I decided to put a stop to it, so I took out a contract, and had him killed

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sandra-Clapped
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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"Call 911 quick!"

"911" "911"

Hi yeah my wife's having contractions, we need an ambulance

"Is this her first baby?"

No, this is her husband

๐Ÿ‘︎ 71
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BigFrigginHero
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
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Fired an employee for going on vacation to Hawaii without permission

We don't take kindly to beach of contract

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NLdave
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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Have you heard about the homicidal maniac who papercuts people to death with terms and conditions documents?

Heโ€™s a contract killer.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dens382
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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If lawyers work during Christmas

do they add to contracts a Santa Clause?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/vidakris
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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A duck bit me last weekend.

I shrugged it off at first, but then I started feeling really under the weather, so I went to see my doctor.

Good thing I did, turns out I actually contracted a pretty serious mallard-y.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CalamityBlue
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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My friend Phil runs red lights.

Itโ€™s okay though. His business is contracted by the city to maintain them.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/firehead212
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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I refuse to have phone sex.

For fear of contracting hearing aids.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pm0419606
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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Crabby Joke

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/edg0023
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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Old joke that has stuck with me

So there was this hitman named Arti, renown for his very affordable prices. One day, he gets 3 contracts. He follows them around, keeping track of their daily habits, and finds that each of them go to the the grocery store after work at the same time.

Planning to get all 3 at once, he makes him move and like always, was extremely successful.

The next day, the headlines read, "Arti Chokes 3 for a dollar at Safeway"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 170
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bluefootedpig
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 12 2015
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So, my girlfriend and i were doing some role play.

I was Santa she was a naughty girl. 'Unfortunately you've been a naughty girl and you're on Santas naughty list and wont be receiving any presents this year.' 'oh no Santa i really want a present i'll do anything to get on your good list' 'oh i dont know if there is a way i'm afraid' you're just going to have to bend over my knee and take your spank now.' bare butt spanks occur 'Please Santa let me on your good list I'm begging you' 'Well come to think of it there is a Claus in the contract' .... Then realising the accidental Santa Claus pun I made I had to be sure she got it. 'Get it! CLAUS HHAHAHA CLAUS LIKE SANTA CLAUS HAHAHAHHAA' yeah she didnt find it as funny as me... No sex for me..

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/p4nz3r
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
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Renovation puns

so my mothers friend andy is helping her install a new TV, and this string of puns resulted:

ME: thanks for helping out around here, nice to have an ANDY-man

ANDY: oh that was a good one

BROTHER: i Don't know, i thought the delivery was kinda WOODEN

ME: wow, thanks for HAMMERING that home, pesonally i think i NAILED it, so SCREW you

BROTHER: will you just CONTRACT aids already (edgy ik)

ME: oh come on, i don't think you're being very CONSTRUCTIVE

BROTHER: i'm sorry, feeling a little PLASTERED right now.

Both of us: burst out laughing

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QLMMaster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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This got no love over in AskReddit, but figured fellow DadJokers might enjoy

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/309261/whats_the_hardest_english_word_to_pronounce/cpqrd1a

Q: What's the hardest English word to pronounce? A: No, what's not even close to being the hardest word to pronounce. Sheesh.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FeministChicksDigMe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
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I'm known for my dad jokes and in my first day of junior year in high school, I got my friend good.

Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)

Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back." Me- "What periods do you have him?" Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period." Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."

Grunts and cringes ensued

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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