How do monkeys solve employee focus decline issues?

Transfer them to a different branch

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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What lives next-door to you but declines every question?

A naybour

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wunderbraten
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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Downhill walks are on the decline.
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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There's a decline in exit sign use.

Experts are saying they are on the way out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LiiuHm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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An attorney was offered a chance to play the role of William Shakespeare in a movie, but had to respectfully decline...

"I can't," the lawyer said. "I'd be dis Bard."

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
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Where do you find an Egyptian who had just learned of the decline of its empire?

In the Nile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rinat1234567890
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
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What do you call the gradual decline to eventual loss of living tree wives who you marry with the purpose of showing them off ?

Ent-trophy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WheresTheWombo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2016
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America's decline is in its laziness, exemplified by pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eucalypocalypse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2016
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Did you hear that Jane declined Tarzan’s proposal?

He was known to be a swinger.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Idontknowwhoiam_1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on DVD, but I declined.

I had Stranger Things to watch.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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Why does Russia have a declining population?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/knittingmonster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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There's a holographic version of Pablo Escobar touring the world he tried to sell me a G, but I declined...

I knew it would just be a hollow gram.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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This guy from Egypt called me to invest in a tourism company, and then to ask 3 others to invest in it, while getting returns from their investments. I declined it.

It was a pyramid scheme.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHyperthetical
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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My wife's handbag is sorely in need of replacement. I offered to get her a new soft leather one, but she declined.

I guess she's not easily purse-sueded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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The egg population is rapidly declining

Be sure to watch out for egg poachers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ethanholmes2001
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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I was at a meeting, standing, when someone offered me a place to sit. I politely declined and said

"I don't accept charity."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theinfinitejaguar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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The shy farmer declined the talent audition...

He's a grower, not a shower.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirnicster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my friend if he wanted to see that new Stephen King movie adaptation and it felt like a betrayal when he declined.

"It 2, Brute?" I had asked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phiv555
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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In the age of information, mathematician population is rapidly declining. We all need to make an effort to save them.

Every mathematician counts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fluffymypillows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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I sent a request for a gym membership online and it was declined.

Turns out I needed to have cookies disabled.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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Eminem declined to write a song for the new IT movie

He thought clowns already had too much of a bad rap

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Latin verbs are understandably pessimistic, because they are always being declined.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shagminer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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A politician tried to engage me in a battle of wits, but i declined ....

I wont fight an unarmed man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A woman asks her husband in the morning regarding breakfast.......

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Picky eater results in epic dad joke from my daughter...

My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice.

Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist."

My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Nik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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I asked a friend to help me weed my herb garden today.

He declined, well, it was probably the wrong thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rahastes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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2 is a very unique number

It became prime against all odds.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BitchyPolice
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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I was going to make a joke about Latin nouns

But then declined.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EkskiuTwentyTwo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I'm concerned about my friend's declining memory.

Friend (after eating a cookie): Man, I can't remember the last time I had a homemade sugar cookie. Me: Really? It was just a few seconds ago! (massive groans)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spoonhocket
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2014
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What do a dead battery and a maxed out credit card have in common?

They both decline the charges

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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Two Prawns are swimming in the sea

One Prawn is called Justin, the other is called Christian. Suddenly they are approached by a magic Cod who grants them each a wish. Christian been a humble Prawn is happy with his lot in life and declines the wish. Justin however asks for the Cod to turn him into a Shark.

Weeks later Justin hates being a Shark as all the other fish are scared and swim away. Justin manages to find the magic Cod who turns him back into a prawn.

Delighted Justin now a Prawn again finds his old friend and exclaims "I found Cod, I'm a Prawn again Christian!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matc7884
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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I have a friend who's really into spelunking

He invited me to go explore a cave with him, but it seemed dangerous so I declined. Months later he planned another caving expedition and invited me again, but again I said no. Half a year later, he planned another trip, but he insisted that I join him. He spent a great deal of time explaining the safety equipment and measures used, and I reluctantly changed my mind and agreed to go with him. I finally caved

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PreviousWater
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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I got invited to the shooting range the other day.

I had to decline. Sadly, I don’t have the caliber to go.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kailebeverettart
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.

Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family.

The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal.

At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, β€œif you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hanasmf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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I'm like a credit card

Constantly being used and declined

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PdawgUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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I offered to make my girlfriend some oatmeal.

When she declined, I told her she was missing oat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KeepingItKosher
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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Dadjoked by the owner of a small bakery

After I grabbed a half dozen donuts, he asked if I wanted to get a full dozen and I declined, mentioning I was trying to lose weight.

He handed me a box with another half dozen and said

"You know if you hold a box in each hand, it'll be a balanced breakfast."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sawser
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2016
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if I wanted to go camping this weekend

I declined the offer, it's just two in tents

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JesusDynamite
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Two Inuits in a kayak.

Younger one says, β€œI t’s getting cold, can we light a fire?” The older one saysβ€œno” The evening approaches and the young one again asks, β€œcan we light a fire?” But the older one declines. They stop for the night and the young Inuit asks if they can light a fire, because is getting very cold. But the older one says β€œno” again and goes to sleep. The young one sneakily lights a fire and the kayak burns down.

Moral of the story: you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rigatavr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
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Science Puns

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.


The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”


Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!


How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.


What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? N

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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My dad was offered sex for services. (x-post r/funny)

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vance524
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2016
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A dadjoke while drinking

I was sitting with Friends, having fun conversations, listening to nice music and having some drinks. One guy was offerted some good whisky, but declined, because, as he said, if he was gonna drink whisky he would get sick.

With a Grand Smirk on my face, I said "Oh, so you would say it is a... 'whisky' move"

After which four beautiful groans were loudly heard.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuizZ_018
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
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Son got dad and grandad and mom and grandmom at dinner tonight.

Eating at a soulfood restaurant and son ordered pigs feet (trotters) for the first time. Waitress asked him if he wanted hot sauce and vinegar. He declined and tried to eat the first one. He wasn't impressed. Waitress came back later and saw he was struggling and suggested he needed to put hot sauce and vinegar on them. He obliged.

When the waitress came back later to see if they were any better he said, "Yes. I guess I started out on the wrong foot."

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roonerspize
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Making the best of senior prom

As I'm sure many of you can remember (or not), senior prom was one of the most exciting events of our pre-real world existence. However, in order to get to the actual event, there were three significant steps that needed to be taken care of:

  1. Sober up enough before actually getting to the venue
  2. Find a date who wasn't even weirder than you were
  3. Rent a tuxedo This last part posed quite a bit of a problem to me, mostly because tuxedos can be very expensive to come by. Luckily enough for me, a local formalwear shop had a great deal going on; they would give you massive discounts and even hefty prizes for referring as many of your friends as possible to their business. Eager as I was to save a few bucks, I proceeded to text everyone in my phone's contact list. Almost every one of them neglected to respond to my pitiful pleas of financial assistance, not wanting to get caught up in this scam that I myself had meandered into. Finally, my token black friend, Malik, unwillingly took my
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MinisculePeen
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
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Nature's comb

So my girlfriend's in the shower and wants me to get her her hairbrush. I ask if she wants it in the shower and she declines, saying it's not meant for the shower. She tells me she usually uses her fingers to comb through her hair in the shower.

So I say, "Ah, nature's comb! Just kidding, that's a pine comb!"

Glad to say she smiled at that one!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdman929
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2015
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Dadjoked my new hr rep.

As a fellow ginger she came to me today and introduced herself. Not feeling so well. I politely declined her handshake. Explained that the stomach bug had gotten me. She proceeded to say it was nice to meet a fellow ginger, and followed with "you should drink some ginger tea to help with your stomach."

To which I replied, "Can't. That would be cannibalism."

Took her a second. Then a guffaw.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tdbravesfan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
🚨︎ report

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