Before I got my growth spurt, my friends loved my dad jokes

But now they groan up.

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👤︎ u/Max-Volume
📅︎ Jul 22 2019
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Microbial Growth.
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📅︎ Jan 14 2019
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When you have to choose between between going out with your ex again or have a growth on your forehead, what is that choice called?

An ex-or-cyst?

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📅︎ Feb 16 2019
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Did you hear about the subreddit about exponential growth?

The number of subscribers are growing every day.

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📅︎ Mar 23 2019
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A man is having pains so he goes to the doctor to get checked out. The doctor does some tests and comes back telling the man that he has a bacterial growth in his bladder causing pain. The man asks what's they means for him. The doctor replies...

Urine trouble

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📅︎ Mar 15 2019
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My brother can't stop talking about a growth that he's developed on his six-pack.

I think he's ab cyst.

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👤︎ u/TommehBoi
📅︎ Nov 28 2018
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What do you call a growth on a drug dealer?

A pharma-cyst

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📅︎ Dec 27 2017
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A resident in my building said: "The mulch around those trees should help retard weed growth."

My reply was "I'm sure Weed Growth's parents would prefer to refer to them as developmentally delayed."

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👤︎ u/sunfistkid
📅︎ Sep 18 2017
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I'm going to start keeping a track of my fingernail growth

I'm calling it my nail file

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📅︎ Jun 11 2016
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I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

👍︎ 14k
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📅︎ Aug 29 2018
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Y'know, I always ask my stubborn and difficult friend Cooper why he's named Cooper.

Because he never cooperates.

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📅︎ Sep 20 2019
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Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

For example

Ben is in a hurry

vs

Ben is in a comma

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📅︎ Feb 11 2019
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A man walks into his doctor's office

With a large, painful lump under his armpit. In a slight panic, the man asks the doctor if there's any way he can help by informing him of what the massive growth is.

The doctor looks carefully and slightly questioning his diagnosis says, "A cyst?"

"Right", says the man, "I'd love to know what the hell this thing is and if you can help me with it".

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📅︎ Sep 15 2019
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I finally decided to purchase stock in cannabis.

The company is really growing.

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📅︎ Feb 27 2019
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Passing the Dad joke torch

I was describing to my family a weed I'd found in the garden, which had a "strong herbal smell." My daughter (3), who loves to joke about words, grinned and said, "Turtle smell?"

My mother, to engage with her, said, "How does a turtle smell?"

My father and I answered in perfect unison: "With its nose!"

It felt like a significant moment in my growth as a dad.

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📅︎ Jul 09 2018
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Found out why my Dr got into proctology.

It's a growth business.

(The resulting wife's eye roll made my day. )

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📅︎ Nov 23 2016
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Dad joked the wife tonight

Our newborn was crying for a while tonight and I suggested to my wife that she was having a growth spurt. My wife asked "how long is a growth spurt?" I said, "I don't know, maybe a quarter inch". She just groaned and told our kid that I'm not funny.

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📅︎ Feb 18 2015
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Father-in-law comments on a little person

I was getting dropped off at school with my now wife by my now father-in-law. There was a little person on campus who happened to pass in front of our car while smoking a cigarette as we were getting ready to get out.

>Wife: "There's the LP who is in my African American studies class. She always has a cigarette in her hand."

>Father-in-law: "She should be careful; it may stunt her growth."

>Me: smirk

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👤︎ u/RonViking
📅︎ Jul 22 2014
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