Stimulus Chex Mix
A real Lebaneezer Scrooge.
He's the pitcher.
Noah let out all the animals. Two by two, they disembarked from the ark.
As Noah breathed a sigh of relief, the two snakes that were on the ark came up.
“Noah, Noah!” they cried. “Can you get us some logs?”
Noah, groaning, complied with the request.
Months pass. Noah is making some food in his home when the two snakes he gave logs return with their kids. A lot of them.
They ask, “Can you get us more logs?”
Noah, clearly pissed, says, “Fine. But why the hell do you need logs to reproduce?”
The dad snake replies, “Oh, we’re adders, we need logs to multiply.”
It was a briefcase
I finally worked it out.
It was a relief map.
My answer: Stress relief
I reached my statue of limitations.
It was a relief
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.
A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).
The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.
TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.
What a big relief.
The B-road starts bragging extensively about his status as a B-road. The bar staff and patrons aren't impressed.
Then, an A-road struts in. The A-road immediately starts criticising the B-road, whilst also bragging about his own status. The two get into a big argument, and the patrons are starting to get riled up.
Then, a motorway barges his way into the bar, and starts boasting that he is better than the A-road and B-road combined. The argument escalates, and some customers grab their belongings, preparing to leave.
And then, a solid white line walks into the bar.
The whole bar falls silent. The argument stops dead in its tracks, and the three roads immediately disperse, avoiding eye contact with the new customer.
The solid white line goes up to the bar, orders a drink, and consumes it slowly. The bar is still silent. As soon as he is finished, the solid white line turns and leaves the bar without a word. The three roads breathe a sigh of relief.
The barman is astounded. "What the hell was that about?!" he exclaims.
"We don't mess with him" mutters the motorway.
"Why not?"
"He's a cycle path".
I think i might have put the BAR too high
When im done i will let out a PSIgh of relief
What a relief
It was a relief when I found it.
A comic relief
Guard: Inmate #2276 escaped sir!
Warden: WHAT! How long ago?
Guard: There was a random search last night at 8:30, so figure he's been on the lamb for about 8 hours.
Warden: Oh thank God, what a relief.
Guard: How so sir? That's a hell of a long time to be missing.
Warden: Yes, but imagine how far he'd be if he was on the horse.
Yup, it runs in your genes.
The SAI of relief
(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]
This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.
My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.
Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"
Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.
After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"
He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).
For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.
In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!
I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.
Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment of his development, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "Son...
You are really going to have your work cut out for you."
"Bringing relief to your breaks and panes."
Well, that's a relief.
It's a huge relief
My pregnant wife and I are on vacation and we just took a dip in the pool. She remarked at the relief she felt as the weight of the baby was lifted when she got in the water. I told her, “Now I know what we’re having, that’s boy-ancy!”
Cuddling on the couch in an embrace I grabbed her boob and started to nod off. She noticed and said: Every time you grab my boob you calm down. You're like a baby. To which I replied: It's the breast stress relief....
He must have it in his Genes.
But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.
Star Trek
-
Star Trek
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Nailin' The Kelvin
-
Labor Of Love
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Hella Bar Talk
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Enterprising Young Men
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Nero Sighted
-
Nice To Meld You
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Run And Shoot Offense
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Does It Still McFly?
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Nero Death Experience
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Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns
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Back From Black
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That New Car Smell
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To Boldly Go
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End Credits
Star Trek Into Darkness
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Logos / Pranking The Natives
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Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps
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Sub Prime Directive
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London Calling
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Meld-Merized
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The Kronos Wartet
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Brigadoom
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Ship To Ship
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Earthbound And Down
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Warp Core Values
-
Buying The Space Farm
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The San Fran Hustle
-
Kirk Enterprises
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Star Trek Main Theme
Star Trek Beyond
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Logo and Prosper
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Thank Your Lucky Star Date
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Night on the Yorktown
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The Dance of the Nebula
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A Swarm Reception
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Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard
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Jaylah Damage
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In Artifacts as in Life
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Franklin, My Dear
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A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy
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MotorCycles of Relief
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Mocking Jaylah
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Crash Decisions
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Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free
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Shutdown Happens
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Cater-Krall in Zero G
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Par-tay for the Course
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Star Trek Main Theme
- ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
- BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
- BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
- AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
- EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
- CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
- COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
- ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
- LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
- HEROES What a man in a boat does
- PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
- PARADOX Two physicians
- PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
- POLARIZE What penguins see through
- PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
- RELIEF What trees do in the spring
- RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
- SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
- SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
- PARADIGMS 20 cents
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
There was concern that they might have died from Avian Flu. An avian pathologist examined the remains of the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not avian flu. The cause of death was vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that nearly 96% of the crows had been struck by trucks, while only 4% were car impacts.
The MTA then hired an Ornithological Behavourist to determine the reason for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills vs car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat roadkill, they have a look-out crow nearby to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout "Cah!", none could shout "Truck!"
