The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
She was having a midwife crisis.
My 4yo son asked my wife about her Halloween costume. My wife to my son: "I'm going to be a witch!" My son turned to me "Mommy is becoming a witch!" "Yeah, but what will she be for Halloween..."
He was aiding and a-betting!
I said, "relax honey! You're just having a mid-wife crisis."
So my s/o gets super crossed when I tell him puns. I'd greatly appreciate if you guys could drop your cheesiest puns.
i was sitting at a counter, eating my lunch, when this guy and his wife come in and start getting really inquisitive about the beer list. they finally order something. after they've had a few sips:
waiter: how's the beer? guy: i don't know, it has a "moorish" taste to it. waiter: ... wife: he means he's going to probably want "more" of it.
part of me wants to believe that this was a successful assist on her part, but then part of me thinks the guy probably feels robbed of the punchline!
After that, our teacher became ruthless
'Fringe Benefits'
“Are these knickers satin?" "No” she said, “They’re brand new...”
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
She asked " Hardback? " And I said.. .." yeah, and little heads. "
Band aid.
"No" he said, "It kills them"
He was loafing around.
They were caws for concern.
I was on the Crews' crew's crew cruise crew.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.
As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.
The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"
I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.
I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
Because they're nurse assists.
Well, I wouldn't put it plaster
They called it "Snitches get stitches"
I told her that was excellent.
.
(This is a true story.)
I am in a roasting war and in need of assistance.
The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”
"No Siri Bob"
She said "Aisle B, back".
Dysalexia
http://i.imgur.com/KD1dxhgh.jpg
Unfortunately, the doctor cut a little too deep and the man's organs began to spill out onto the operating table....
...
...
"Well, it looks you have a table of contents now" says the medical assistant.
In fact, I hold the record!
Me: I think I measured wrong. The toggle bolts aren't lining up with the darned holes. Man, I really screwed this up.
Her: Did you........make a pun?
Me: concentrating on the task at hand Huh?
Her: Never mind.
Me: gets it Ha! No, but that's awesome! "Screwed" it up. Ha! You're a PunMaster!
Her: You're a dork.
Angus McCoatup
I call him my mane man
She replied "Sorry, that would defeat the purpose"
It's because he woks alone.
I applied for a veterinary assistant position in Australia, but I didn't get the job because they said I wasn't Koalafed.
She was told she was really good at impressions!
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
"No, it kills them."
"No, it kills them."
He said, “No, it kills them.”
Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
