What did the White House say when Trump left and refused to attend the inauguration?

Ok. Bi-den.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WolfyDaWuf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the duck have to attend rehab?

He was a quack head

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
A man decided to attend his friend's funeral. He approached his friend's widow and after a consoling hug said "Plethora".

She responded "Thanks that means a lot".

πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jcksn_m
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to attend a seminar for kleptomaniacs.

All the seats were already taken.

πŸ‘︎ 672
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I use to attend an Origami club.

But it folded.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/some_lerker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I wanted to attend the seminar on vomit control.

Unfortunately, something came up.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My introverted friend is really worried that he has to attend a party full of married people.

I said, β€œDon’t worry. There won’t be a single person in it.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are The Doors scheduled to play as an opening act of nearly every concert I attend, but I never made it to catch them play live?
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dirty_boy69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife wanted me to attend a flea market this weekend that only deals with Middle Eastern items...

I thought hmmm.... that’s bazaar.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AFOpie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Iron man refuses to attend any party thrown by Aquaman.

He has rust issues.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Daughter has decided what college to attend...

Daughter: UNI Me: no, just you, I’m to old for college...

This just happened. She wants to kill me now! Dad wins!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to attend a seminar for kleptomaniacs.
πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rubixninja314
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I had to attend a seminar on various drilling methods.

Boring!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I've yet to be able to attend a funeral;

because I'm not a mourning person.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Floodlight
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Coworker #1: I'll have to attend the meeting remotely because I'm sick

Coworker #2: I hope our anti-virus software is up to the task so you do not infect the rest of us!

Me: He must have caught that new Intel but that's going around.

Based on a true story.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jordanbtucker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2018
🚨︎ report
After being broken up with my short girlfriend my friends ask why did I suddenly decide to attend women basketball?

I need a rebound girl.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/d_le
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2015
🚨︎ report
I don't know why the beautiful attendant at Ikea reported me to the police.

All I asked was "How much for one night stand ?"

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says β€œregular please” and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks β€œfill?” my dad replies

β€œNo, Fred, nice to meet you”

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrDreidel82
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I was so mad when Walmart ran out of figurines for the Nativity

Now I have to attend manger management

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NathanielleS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran out of my Omega 3 supplement so I went to the store. The attendant was rude and threw the bottle at me as hard as he could

Fortunately, my injuries were super fish oil

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm going to get a job as a valet attendant, come dressed up as Spider-Man, and introduce myself as "Peter the Parker"
πŸ‘︎ 90
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TISparta217
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to B&Q the other day; the shop attendant asked me if i wanted decking

So i turned round and punched him first.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drouse2008
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My gf asked me to stop attending Line Drawing classes.

I usually listen to her advice but that's where I draw the line.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tgurav
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I requested the flight attendant to switch my seat as I was next to a screaming baby.

Apparently you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours.

πŸ‘︎ 137
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the peanut say to the flight attendant?

Ugh, I hate flying, I never have enough legume

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thisotterbefun
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
🚨︎ report
At the museum, I turned to the attendant and said, β€œI suppose this horrible thing is what you call Modern Art, right!”

Attendant: Sir, that’s a mirror.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
On my way back from Thanksgiving holiday, the flight had to make a slightly hard landing due to the crosswind. Then the flight attendant announces: " Sorry for the slightly bumpy landing. It wasn't the Captain's fault, most definitely not the my fault...

It was the Asphalt."

The whole flight lost it. It was glorious :)

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sagarreddit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
🚨︎ report
And man is on a plane, and asks to a flight attendant :

"Excuse me, how long will it take before we arrive at our destination?" The attendant responds : "Just one minute sir" "Wow! That's really fast"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
🚨︎ report
This girl came up to me today and said I knew her from a vegetarian conference we attended...

I swear I never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2076baseballbat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
🚨︎ report
He enjoyed his new job as a flight attendant on a Transgalactic Express ship. He enjoyed the variety of species & sentients he got to meet. Except for the Plort, who ate large quantities of raw dead flesh.

They always made him put their carrion overhead.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnabbe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
🚨︎ report
When my kids are old enough to start attending school, I play on withdrawing them after day one.

I refuse to let them receive anything less than a first class education.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sykilik101
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2016
🚨︎ report
I was at a baseball game standing next to an ice machine when an attendant says

I know you guys are trying to be cool but I need to get to the ice

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElemelonFelon
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2015
🚨︎ report
My friend is attending adoptive-parent classes in order to become a dad...

I asked him if they just sit around teaching him dad jokes at dad school.

"No they just have us fill out a form. But my form is perfect."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GregBahm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
🚨︎ report
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"

... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

πŸ‘︎ 529
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot.

Pun in, ten dead

Edit: The police quickly arrived at the scene, surrounding the bar. The pun was trapped in the bar but it decided to hold on and have a shoot out with the police instead of surrendering. Sadly, the pun was shot. He was pun out dead at the scene.

Edit: Nobody attended the puns funeral, they all at ten ded.

-Mic drop-

Edit: Wasn’t that a killer pun?

Edit: Unfortunately I told about 10 puns before this one. Did any of them land? No. No pun in ten did.

(Credit To killsforsporks and TLo137 for the last 2 edits)

πŸ‘︎ 487
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fanthom12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the journalist in a hurry?

He had pressing matters to attend

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Looking for pun for my beer

Hey redditors, I need your wit for a good cause,

I'm gonna graduate in less than two weeks and in my country (Italy) is traditional to give a token to those who attend the graduation and for that reason I've decided to brew some beers and give a bottle each. I'm now in the process of deciding the name of my beer and I would like to have something witty and cool but have no idea.

The possible themes would be graduation (or laurea in italian), bioengineering, biomedical engineering, engineering or, best of all, BOOBS (or any synonym) as that's the theme of my master thesis.

Thanks in advance for any help I'll get

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Azkabainemule
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
🚨︎ report
500 bricks on an airplane and one falls off. How many are left?

((To be played back and forth with a friend as questions and answers))

[499.]

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? [1. Open door. 2. Put elephant in. 3. Close door.]

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? [1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Put giraffe in. 4. Close door.]

All the animals attend a birthday party for the king of the jungle, except one. Who didn’t attend? [The giraffe. He’s still in the refrigerator.]

A girl swims across an alligator infested river, but safely makes it to the other side. How was that possible? [All the alligators were at the birthday party.]

The girls still dies though, how come? [The one brick from the airplane fell on her head.]

πŸ‘︎ 250
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DaShMa_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2018
🚨︎ report
A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Had to share this absolute bomb my husband dropped earlier.

Our 11 year old is attending a debate camp and at the dinner table she was telling us about her day. We decided she would have a mock debate against my husband the following day so she could show us a bit of what she's learned. We talk about possible topics and we land on "Should school officials or other adults be allowed to ban certain books from school." We talk a little more on the topic of banned books and my husband perks up and says "I think banned books should be allowed because without them, there would be no music." Then he gets this massive grin and my daughter and I are so confused.. it takes a moment for us to realize he's talking about BAND books .. there would be no music .. I had to give it to him, that was heavenly. Our daughters eyes rolled out of her head but we were all laughing. Great job, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jennyy1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Donkey Kong wear a tie

He has important monkey business to attend to

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lagnaktor
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A brick fell out from an areoplane carrying 100 bricks. How many are left?
  1. A brick fell out from an areoplane carrying 100 bricks. How many are left?
  2. How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
  3. How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?
  4. The Lion King had a bid ceremony but only one animal that did not attend. What was the animal?
  5. An adventurer wanted to cross a river fulled with crocodiles. But he is not hurt after crossing the river. Why?
  6. The adventurer dies after he walked away from the river. Why?

Answers

  1. 99 left
  2. Open the fridge, put it in, close the fridge.
  3. Open the fridge, take the elephant out, put it in, close the fridge.
  4. The giraffe.
  5. Because all the crocodile went to the ceremony.
  6. The brick fell on him and killed him.
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SiowYY
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
🚨︎ report
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said ''see you later, son I said indignantly, ''don't call me 'son' you're not my dad!''

To which the lift attendant replied: "Maybe not, but I brought you up didn't l?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.