[need for help] Pun experts, share the best pun you know about academia/professors/education/writing for grants. Any help deeply appreciated!

EDIT: We plan to place it on the mug as a gift, so it should be relatively short

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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HELP PUN

Ok guys my 1 year anniversary is coming up with my boyfriend and I'm making a pun book with 365 Puns about love and I'm running out can you help me PLEASE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolfgirl71
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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[help] puns for a nutritionist
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mandlr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2015
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Help needed for a colour pun

I'm currently developing a game for my studies based on the old windows Game Pipe Dream (or Pipe Mania). It is two player and competitive where each player works for one of two rival companies. The game has a steampunk theme and each company is represented by a different colour. Green is Greenpunk Industries. I need your help, pun masters of reddit, in coming up with a pun for the Blue company.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimeTraveller264
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..

.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
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Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket

.. Only got 20%Off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuisCAG
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
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Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.

Doctor: I don't follow you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
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My wife asked, β€œIf someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”

I told her I think it’s worth a shot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dnizzle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Help me with a name!!!

Hi guys! I’m opening and Etsy shop with my sisters selling stickers (for all ages). There’s 3 of us, we live on the south shore, Massachusetts by the beach. Looking for a punny name!!! Help me out :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cwinnett33
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
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My daughter wanted to help me make some bread, so she offered to "proof" the dough for me.

"Really?" "Sure," she said.

"It's the yeast I can do."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
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Just called the tinnitus help line...

But, it just kept ringing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
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Gf asked for help, and I did the best I can
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoDuckFound
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..

.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
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The Mandalorian came across Little Ms. Muffet having difficulty with her meal. He stopped to help, letting her know...

"These are the curds and this is the Whey."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drwheatie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
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Help! Accidentally uninstalled Windows!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grantthejester
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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I need help solving a pun/riddle.

Context: I'm in a DnD campaign, for fifth edition.

So basically, one of my characters told a horrible pun to a planetar (Massive angel-like being) over Sending (A spell letting you communicate over long distances). "Whaddya call a celestial who likes to fish? An angel-er." and then he got asked to put his journal in the box that suddenly appeared behind hm, He complied, and when he got it back his name was gone from the first page of the book, and there was a golden box, that read "Tell me what I've pun, wizard" So I'm assuming he needs to answer in some sort of pun related to his name, Klaus Hallowmantle.

However, my brain is smoother than... I can't think of anything to compare it to all of a sudden. Oh well. Anyone who can help me with this?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Hipster_Fox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
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Help this go viral
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
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What’s the best dinosaur to help with gifts ?

A velociWraptor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMusical
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
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I need help following up with this pun, this is a video about a scientist giving a lecture about fire, I can’t think of any more other than pun-ch line
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Huiplayshd1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Please Help Me Out Here

Knock Knock

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WilliamIncubus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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A farmer said to me β€œI have 68 sheep. Can you help round them up for me?”

I said sure. 70.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rfcoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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β€œCan you help me with the curtains? I need to make sure the carpet matches the drapes.”

And THAT is a sexual in-your-window!

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
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My French friend said β€œHELP! I’m in pain!”

Now I just need to get him out of that loaf

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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Feel free to help punctuate.

Guess who I ran into at the White House restaurant today Donald Duck He was engaging the cashier who was asking for a tip Do you know what he says Put it on my bill

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πŸ‘€︎ u/home_nee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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Dad, I need help writing a sentence using the word "irony."

Try this : I licked a golf club and it tasted irony.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heavyduty1930
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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I couldn't help myself
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fanta_si_senor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sveil96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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What do you call a summer camp that helps people with ADHD?

A concentration camp.

I'll see myself out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mosh83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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"Dad! Help! I've been turned into a Water Jug!"

Dad: "You pour thing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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I asked some clams to help me move but all they wanted to do was sit there and breathe seawater.

I told them they were just being shellfish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
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Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.

...It was Kief or Southernland.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AquamarineCheetah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Help! Everything looks pixelated all the sudden.

I think I set my New-Year's Resolution too low

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ammonwk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
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I need help - What does digital coffee taste like

I invited an old friend to digital coffee and they ask what digital coffee tastes like...i need a comeback/pun!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Craig David has volunteered to help out at the next Olympics, he has been assigned to Archery...

He said β€œHe’s delighted to be the bo selecta”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.

Crew: I I Caprain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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This helps weed out the weak.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chocolaterush
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy

The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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I once had a faulty box of Corn Flakes so I called up Kellogg's customer services to see if they could help.

Unfortunately they weren't able to help me in the end as I wasn't able to find the box's cereal number.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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Need help with a pun

I work for a flooring company and my boss asked me to design some merch. He asked for a flooring pun I could put on a T Shirt. Any ideas??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raistrikk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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Today at the bank some old lady asked if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Where does a Canadian alcoholic go to get help?

Eh Eh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomedew
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Apple announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.

The iRoll

Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Use2HandsPlease
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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My pet crocodile needs help

Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoSchifoso
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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What comes to your door and helps you see far?

Knockulars

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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My wife asked me to help her wrap presents...

So I started doing my best human beatbox impersonation.

"Yo! Yo! Presents in da hizzzzzzz!"

She wasn't as amused as I was.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!

My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.

Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says β€œcoolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.

Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??

  • I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!

Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that β€œcreative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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I could use help refining this one

Many of you probably know what it’s like to have part of a joke or a punchline that you can’t seem to put together into one full working joke. Here’s what I’ve got:

The film’s last frame, already used, says to the camera, β€œCome on, take another photo, I don’t mind.”

To which the camera replies, β€œAre you sure? I wouldn’t want to superimpose.”

It’s there but it’s not quite. Any help?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewZabar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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