My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot
I tried calling the tinnitus help line.
There was no answer, it just kept ringing.
My daughter wanted to help me make some bread, so she offered to "proof" the dough for me.
"Really?"
"Sure," she said.
"It's the yeast I can do."
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
How do libraries help keep the books warm?
They give them book jackets!
Gf asked for help, and I did the best I can
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
I had pain my knees, but with the help of my doctor, I feel better.
The Mandalorian came across Little Ms. Muffet having difficulty with her meal. He stopped to help, letting her know...
"These are the curds and this is the Whey."
What’s the best dinosaur to help with gifts ?
Dad, I need help writing a sentence using the word "irony."
Try this :
I licked a golf club and it tasted irony.
“Can you help me with the curtains? I need to make sure the carpet matches the drapes.”
And THAT is a sexual in-your-window!
This helps weed out the weak.
Help! Everything looks pixelated all the sudden.
I think I set my New-Year's Resolution too low
Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.
...It was Kief or Southernland.
Craig David has volunteered to help out at the next Olympics, he has been assigned to Archery...
He said “He’s delighted to be the bo selecta”
Today at the bank some old lady asked if I could help check her balance.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
Help with puns for the name Samuel/Sammy/Sam?
What are some good puns for that name? (Preferably 1 word, instead of a whole phrase) thanks!
I’m worried about volunteering to help my uncle at work tomorrow at the coroner’s office
It’s a pretty big undertaking
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was
she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
A photon checks into a hotel. "Need any help with your luggage sir?" asks the porter.
"No thanks " replies the photon. "I am travelling light."
Woman on the floor: help! Someone call me an ambulance
I once got into a bar fight with the number 1. His friends 3, 5, 7, and 9 showed up to help him.
The odds were against me.
[need for help] Pun experts, share the best pun you know about academia/professors/education/writing for grants. Any help deeply appreciated!
EDIT: We plan to place it on the mug as a gift, so it should be relatively short
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo
Some students needed help calculating the number of food and drinks they'd need for a party. Their teacher responds...
"What's the equation? (occasion)"
Had to help the guy out
Me: do you have any penguins?
Zookeeper: no, we dont have any penguins
Me: slides him 20 How about now?
Zookeeper: where did you get 20 penguins?
Need some good puns when I whip this bad boy out on the course today. Help me out you geniuses!
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state of the art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They’re calling it Mercedes-clenz
I asked the shop owner if he could help me out
He said 'sure, which way did you come in'
A man, cursed by a wicked genie, goes to the local prophet for help.
The prophet hands him a six sided piece of paper. Confused, the man asks how it's supposed to help him. "Simple," the prophet says, "it's a hex a gon."
We should raise the Lego bricks and help them to a normal Level of Respect!
They have been stepped on for far too long.
Why did the drowning Pharoah refuse to ask for help?
What do you call a person who helps the band?
The Egyptian government has asked Cairo’s taxi drivers to drive around and sound their horns in the hope that familiar sounds will help calm the residents following the pandemic.
Operation Toot And Calm ‘Em will last a week.
The taylor at the local men's clothing shop kept trying to help me find wedding attire despite my wishes. He finally gave up and said
A pirate with a ship’s wheel in his pants walks into a bar. The bartender can’t help but ask about it.
The pirate replies, “Arrgh, it’s driving me nuts!”
My mom needed help standing up after cleaning the bathroom, so she asked my dad for a hand.
He started clapping.
(Obligatory: actually happened today, my mom messaged me to complain about his bad joke. I thought it was fucking hilarious.)
I need help from all the dads out there...
You are tasked with making an advertisement for an amusement park, however you want to make it to STOP people from coming to the carnival... I'm curious to see your advertisements, also try to keep the jokes under 50 words.
A guy walks into his doctors office saying, “Help me, doctor, I’m shrinking.” “Hold on,” says the doctor,
I know an archaeologist who found a human leg bone during an excavation. The other archaeologists got excited and went over to help him.
Turned out to be quite the shin dig.
Just called the tinnitus help line...
Just called the tinnitus help line...
But, it just kept ringing.
An old lady asked me if I could help her check her balance at the bank.
An old lady walked into the bank and asked me if I could help her check her balance.
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