My granddaugter today (she's 8) How did the man breath underwater for so long without help?
He put a glass of water on his head!
It's the first time I have been able to see and hug her in over a year, and she made me so proud!
*Edit: So many typos in my title.
So the doctor came in to ask me about my broken arm. He said, "will painkillers help?"
Why did Santa put a "Help Wanted" sign outside of the elves workshop?
This man approached me in the park. "Would you please help? My caribou is stuck in a gigantic puddle."
"Reindeer?" I asked.
He said, "Yes. Hence the puddle."
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
Me: "Excuse me, can you show me where the self help books are?"
Librarian: "Well, that would kinda defeat the purpose, don't you think?"
I like to play a game that helps sort out all the bull
Help me come up with puns which include the name Todd
When I married my wife, I made a list of all the chores I knew how to do to help out in the house.
It was the list I could do
My friend just started his own business with the sole motivation to help affordably castrate male dogs.
That's true entrepreneutership
The other day a cowboy stopped by our house and asked my Dad if he could help him round up 18 cows.
"Sure thing, pardner. That's 20 cows," says Dad.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot
Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?
It's called On & On Anon.
Gf asked for help, and I did the best I can
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
My daughter wanted to help me make some bread, so she offered to "proof" the dough for me.
"Really?"
"Sure," she said.
"It's the yeast I can do."
This helps weed out the weak.
I tried calling the tinnitus help line.
There was no answer, it just kept ringing.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
What's the name of that cool female friend who helps you pick up chicks?
How do libraries help keep the books warm?
They give them book jackets!
Dad, I need help writing a sentence using the word "irony."
Try this :
I licked a golf club and it tasted irony.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
What’s the best dinosaur to help with gifts ?
The Mandalorian came across Little Ms. Muffet having difficulty with her meal. He stopped to help, letting her know...
"These are the curds and this is the Whey."
What did the pamphlet say to the other pamphlet when asked for some help?
Bro-chure
A pamphlet is like a brochure! I just had a baby in October so I’m workin on my dad jokes. I just made this one up. Take it easy on me 😅
I had pain my knees, but with the help of my doctor, I feel better.
“Can you help me with the curtains? I need to make sure the carpet matches the drapes.”
And THAT is a sexual in-your-window!
Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.
...It was Kief or Southernland.
Help! Everything looks pixelated all the sudden.
I think I set my New-Year's Resolution too low
Today at the bank some old lady asked if I could help check her balance.
Craig David has volunteered to help out at the next Olympics, he has been assigned to Archery...
He said “He’s delighted to be the bo selecta”
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
I once got into a bar fight with the number 1. His friends 3, 5, 7, and 9 showed up to help him.
The odds were against me.
Help with puns for the name Samuel/Sammy/Sam?
What are some good puns for that name? (Preferably 1 word, instead of a whole phrase) thanks!
[need for help] Pun experts, share the best pun you know about academia/professors/education/writing for grants. Any help deeply appreciated!
EDIT: We plan to place it on the mug as a gift, so it should be relatively short
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was
she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
I’m worried about volunteering to help my uncle at work tomorrow at the coroner’s office
It’s a pretty big undertaking
A photon checks into a hotel. "Need any help with your luggage sir?" asks the porter.
"No thanks " replies the photon. "I am travelling light."
Need some good puns when I whip this bad boy out on the course today. Help me out you geniuses!
Just called the tinnitus help line...
But, it just kept ringing.
Just called the tinnitus help line...
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
An old lady asked me if I could help her check her balance at the bank.
An old lady walked into the bank and asked me if I could help her check her balance.
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