Assistance Puns

But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Band aid.

I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.

As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.

The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"

I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.

I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story

Well, I wouldn't put it plaster

They called it "Snitches get stitches"

...but he's a sissy.

It had a nervous breakdown.

insert your dad’s joke here.

So I'm trying to write an essay about the Roman Republic becoming the Roman Empire, thought it'd be funny to start off with a pun but I can't think of anything so... help?

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

Hamburglar Helper.

David Copafeel

A Sous-shi chef

The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

You know, just to make ends meat.

They are known as the Fighting Virish

After that, our teacher became ruthless

Mermaides

'Fringe Benefits'

“Are these knickers satin?" "No” she said, “They’re brand new...”

As his apprentice, I once assisted him at an exhibition and managed to lose the cutting implement he uses to prepare the paper for folding. I can’t believe I lost The Rock’s Paper Scissors.

She was having a midwife crisis.

She asked " Hardback? " And I said.. .." yeah, and little heads. "

"No, it kills them."

I'm quite the music history buff- always have been. My first inkling as a college student was to explore turning this into a career. So I found a music museum, wrote an impassioned essay, and somehow landed the 12-week internship.

When I got there, I met the curator, a woman named Rhonda. Like me, she had grown up enjoying music and always wanting to know more. Thanks to grants and donors' generosity, she had helped continue the museum's legacy of showcasing what might otherwise be lost to history.

The tradition of the museum had always been to let the interns work in the orchestral wing. My assignment in particular was the string section.

Now I didn't know a whole lot about the string family, but I saw some really fine specimens and decided we could perhaps tell a broader story about the progression of the instruments. And so I began studying.

After about a week of studying, I went to Rhonda and asked if we could do something different here. She was very receptive to the idea and introduced me to her assistant, Dr. Will. His PhD was in history, natch, but he still relished having everyone call him Doctor. It was funny.

Dr. Will helped me learn so much about how the family of instruments developed over time, their overall cultural footprint, etc.

Did you know a fiddle and a violin are the same thing? Did you know the viola family dates back to the 16th C.? Vivaldi wrote 25 cello concertos!

I dazzled visitors with tales of the Stradivarius, Amati and Guarneri families. I noted the increase in neck length over time. I reassured them that despite the name catgut, no cat intestines were used in the creation of these instruments—but it sure might be sheep or goat.

Sadly, 12 weeks goes by quickly when you're having fun, and I got enthusiastic letters of recommendation from Rhonda and Dr. Will, and I do miss them. Hello, you two.

I figured I could waltz (sorry) right in to more museum jobs later, but boy, was I mistaken.

I kept interviewing for the job, but after about the 10th cold shoulder, I had to find out what I was doing wrong. I had done such a good job, after all, right??????

So I fucking called the museum

got the guy who interviewed me on the line—and he wasn't thrilled to even talk to me. But I asked him, sir, why didn't I even get a call back? Weren't my qualifications good?

He said, yes, BUT.......

"...we simply can't hire someone who has exhibited a history of violins."

"No" he said, "It kills them"

He was loafing around.

I was on the Crews' crew's crew cruise crew.

The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “hell no, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

I told her that was excellent.

.

(This is a true story.)

http://i.imgur.com/KD1dxhgh.jpg

"No Siri Bob"

She said "Aisle B, back".

Dysalexia

I'm a farm assist.

My 4yo son asked my wife about her Halloween costume. My wife to my son: "I'm going to be a witch!" My son turned to me "Mommy is becoming a witch!" "Yeah, but what will she be for Halloween..."

Me: I think I measured wrong. The toggle bolts aren't lining up with the darned holes. Man, I really screwed this up.

Her: Did you........make a pun?

Me: concentrating on the task at hand Huh?

Her: Never mind.

Me: gets it Ha! No, but that's awesome! "Screwed" it up. Ha! You're a PunMaster!

Her: You're a dork.

In fact, I hold the record!

Angus McCoatup

I am in a roasting war and in need of assistance.

Nurse salt

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head

He said, “No, it kills them.”

"No, it kills them."

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.