Assistance Puns

I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.

As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.

The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"

I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.

I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story

Well, I wouldn't put it plaster

They called it "Snitches get stitches"

If you have a problem with your car and need road side assistance in the United States you can call triple A. If you need help in Canada you can also call triple eh.

...but he's a sissy.

It had a nervous breakdown.

insert your dad’s joke here.

So I'm trying to write an essay about the Roman Republic becoming the Roman Empire, thought it'd be funny to start off with a pun but I can't think of anything so... help?

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head

I was on the Crews' crew's crew cruise crew.

He was loafing around.

"No, it kills them."

I told her that was excellent.

.

(This is a true story.)

I told him i offered his director some assistance. They said yes.

Now I get to be a band-aid.

She said "Aisle B, back".

"No Siri Bob"

Dysalexia

My 4yo son asked my wife about her Halloween costume. My wife to my son: "I'm going to be a witch!" My son turned to me "Mommy is becoming a witch!" "Yeah, but what will she be for Halloween..."

Nurse salt

In fact, I hold the record!

Angus McCoatup

Me: I think I measured wrong. The toggle bolts aren't lining up with the darned holes. Man, I really screwed this up.

Her: Did you........make a pun?

Me: concentrating on the task at hand Huh?

Her: Never mind.

Me: gets it Ha! No, but that's awesome! "Screwed" it up. Ha! You're a PunMaster!

Her: You're a dork.

The assistant says “Ok I’ll serve the iPhone 11 first then”

She replied "Sorry, that would defeat the purpose"

I call him my mane man

http://i.imgur.com/KD1dxhgh.jpg

It's because he woks alone.

She was told she was really good at impressions!

He was aiding and a-betting!

When they asked him why he stole he said, "it was a whisk I was willing to take".

"I don't know what it is," I said, "I can only seem to be able to play one tune on it, Perfect Day, nothing else seems right or in tune."

"Let's have a look," said the assistant as he dismantled my clarinet.

"Ha, there's the problem, looks like it was fitted with a Lou Reed."

So, a comedian walks onto the stage and says to his assistant: “Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?” The assistant responds with: “Sure” The comedian says: That’s the spirit!

The Audience goes silent. A ghost pops out of the wall and goes: boo. The Audience begins to boo.

Meat.

It was a real midwife crisis

I said, "relax honey! You're just having a mid-wife crisis."

John, Watson your mind?

"Sir," he said, "that's a calendar."

There was this heavy dresser and my dad said “Let’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said “Id rather lift it”

He gave me a funny look and sighed. My brother in law laughed.

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.

Thank you in advance! 🍔

"Kitchenware?" she asked.

I said, "In my house, of course."

It was a pretty ordinary day. A woman came in wanting a couple piece of cheesecake, and the baker was busy. So Pi cut her 3.14 slices...

He gave me some sage advice. It was about thyme too.

He said, "Ah, I've got one those at home."

I said, "Well, she can't be as bossy as mine."

Google Assistant with the dad joke:

https://i.imgur.com/EUQ7TTF.jpg

So I say “Nothing like a little Netflix and drill”

It's a real page turner!

The coconut

"What would she like on top of that?" asked the assistant.

I said, "Probably some money and for me to do the cleaning."

So my s/o gets super crossed when I tell him puns. I'd greatly appreciate if you guys could drop your cheesiest puns.

“Euripides?” Asks the tailor

“Yeah. Eumenides?” Replies the man

One day his assistant saw the mad scientist on top of the fly, sketching out some new ideas

Assistant: what on earth are you doing?

mad scientist looks up from his work.

Mad scientist: I like creating stuff on the fly.

Years ago I thought my “communicator” would be used to beam me aboard my ship, or call for assistance in case of hostile aliens. Instead, it reminds me to take out the trash and that my colonoscopy is due.

He said, "Well this is a rest home."

"This is my assistant. She's also my sister, so that makes her my assister!"

.. she said “yes of course”, “great!” I said, “can I exchange this ‘get well soon’ card for a bereavement card?”

(My Dad just laid this one on me)

I saw this on the FrontPage and immediately thought of you guys.

https://imgur.com/8Be1Y7J

Screenshot: https://imgur.com/gallery/wisnQ

Because they make up everything.

I got it from my Google Assistant

YOU REEK-A!

i was sitting at a counter, eating my lunch, when this guy and his wife come in and start getting really inquisitive about the beer list. they finally order something. after they've had a few sips:

waiter: how's the beer? guy: i don't know, it has a "moorish" taste to it. waiter: ... wife: he means he's going to probably want "more" of it.

part of me wants to believe that this was a successful assist on her part, but then part of me thinks the guy probably feels robbed of the punchline!

Our professor told us he had a lame excuse

It sounds like they are going to have a long engagement though. They're getting married in 2020.

My girlfriend wnted a new watch so we went to the local shopping centre to go to the Fossil shop. It was shut due to a power outage. Go back the next day and they're open; a quick chat with the shop assistant and she says the problem still isn't fixed and they're using generators to try and get through the day.

I couldn't help myself and say "I guess that means you're running on Fossil Fuel then?"

It didn't go down very well.

It was an assisted shoe-icide

The shop assistant said, "Motherboard?"

I said, "Yeah, she can't do online shopping anymore"

"Did I ever tell you about the asshole?"

"What?"

"Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right? So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, thinking--why is this even a question?'

'Well, good luck doing all of the thinking if you can't see where you're going,' say the eyes. 'We should be in charge.'

'What good is it going to do seeing, if you can't get anywhere?' asked the legs.

'Well, without us, you'd have no oxygen,' said the lungs.

'Are you serious?' said the stomach. 'How are you supposed to process energy and do any of this stuff, without me??'

'Well, what about me?' piped up the asshole. 'I'm important too..'

'You?!?' laughed the other parts. 'Shut up, asshole!'

So the asshole went on strike.

A week and a half later, the brain couldn't think straight. The eyes couldn't focus, the legs were asleep from sitting on the pot, and the stomach was so jammed up full of crap that the lungs could barely breathe.

Finally, they all went to the asshole and said, 'Look, we're sorry, we're sorry!! Just come back to work, you can be in charge!'

...and that's why all bosses are assholes."

Miss ya, Pops.

He sets it on a plinth and tells the students they’re free to take a couple after class is over. Halfway through teaching the senpai or sensei’s assistant approaches and tells him he has an important phone call. He tells the class to find a partner and practice. He comes back fifteen minutes later and the plinth is knocked over, the bowl is in pieces and the wontons crushed and scattered about. He is dismayed that his students would engage in such sensei-less wonton destruction.

Assistant guy: "Tha Chu family" My dad: "Did he sneeze or something?"

Because he was soakin' fusing.

...we got our ad junked.

"No, it kills them."

He said, “No, it kills them.”

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

http://imgur.com/22YJqvO.jpg