One time Chewbacca forgot to release the emergency brake before flying the millennium falcon
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︎ May 11 2021
I believe instead of 911 or 112, in case of a medical emergency you should call 12345678
Because that's the proper First Aid number
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I called up Weight Watchers, told them there was an emergency and asked for them to send someone round!
Turns out theyβve got loads of them!
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Uh oh... Emergency: you brought me the wrong tool...
This is not a drill... I repeat, this is not a drill!
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︎ Oct 17 2020
Taco emergency?
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︎ Jul 18 2020
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
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︎ Aug 09 2020
What number do rabbits call when they have an emergency?
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︎ Sep 15 2020
Pro Tip: If you have a gashed wound, it is cheaper to go to a comedy club than the emergency room.
You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.
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︎ Apr 10 2020
A chef cut himself and went to the emergency room...
The nurses patched him in triage and after a long wait, the doctor called him in. "You'll take about eight stitches and be on your way." The chef replied, "I can tell you're all very busy here, so just hand me the needle and I'll be on my way." The doctor looked by turns insulted, annoyed and dismissive.
"Fine then. Suture self."
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︎ Jan 05 2020
A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation
like when you have to change someone's mind.
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︎ Dec 10 2019
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency...
I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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︎ Feb 26 2020
This guy with a hammer kept screaming like it was an emergency...
This is not a drill! This is not a drill! STOP!
.
.
.
Hammer time!
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︎ Apr 20 2020
My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail!
They called it a "Jury Summons."
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︎ Mar 22 2020
The Novel Coronavirus has become a worldwide health emergency
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︎ Feb 13 2020
It's an emergency
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︎ Jun 21 2019
Emergency!
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︎ Jul 28 2019
I always keep a Bieber container nearby for emergencies
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︎ Dec 07 2019
Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency...
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︎ Dec 29 2019
How do you stop your pig in a emergency?
You pull up the ham brakes
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︎ Dec 25 2019
I think this woman I met on Tinder is having an emergency...
She keeps texting me and saying "Get over here RN"
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︎ Jan 10 2020
In case of emergency, break glass.
Why would I hurt myself in an emergency?
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︎ Jan 06 2020
If there's an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
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︎ Apr 14 2019
Did you hear about Pat Sajaks emergency surgery?
I guess he had to buy a bowel.
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︎ Nov 09 2019
My friend was creating the world's longest string of hyphens when he had a family emergency...
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︎ Nov 06 2019
After I brought home my last dog I ended up in the emergency room
Apparently I roverdosed myself
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︎ Sep 10 2019
We got an emergency here!
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︎ Jun 22 2018
911 whats your emergency?
Man: My wife is getting into labor i dont know what to do
Operator: is it her first born?
Man: no it is her husbend
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︎ Oct 14 2019
You guys liked my previous post about my Dads pre-emergency surgery Dad joke...
Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/btsq5u/my_dad_will_be_telling_dad_jokes_till_the_end/
Well, I remembered something else he said once that I find hilarious (now) that you may also.
When I was a kid my chore was to do the dishes, by hand, after every meal bar holidays when I had help and the week of my birthday. One particular time, I must have been about 15 when I asked my Dad, Why don't we use the dishwasher, its easier and it's right next to me?
In the proud tradition of Dads before him he answered, We are using the dishwasher, now hurry up and quit complaining.
I laugh now in hindsight, and for some reason really enjoy doing dishes by hand.
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︎ Jul 22 2019
What did the Italian astronaut say during an emergency reentry?
Okay buckle in guys were pasta point of no return
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︎ Nov 18 2018
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was...
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︎ Oct 15 2018
βHello 911.β βWhatβs your emergency?β βThese men wonβt stop laughing.β βThatβs annoying, but not a crime.β
βWtf is manslaughter then.β
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︎ Dec 16 2018
Who takes a bivalve to the hospital in an emergency?
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︎ Nov 08 2018
I once knew a guy who drove me around places, and oddly enough he always kept 4 shoes in his car for emergencies.
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︎ Feb 06 2019
My SO sprained her ankle last night. After a few hours waiting in the emergency room we were sent to the radiology for an X-Ray!
I told her to break a leg.
^(I just had to share this. For what it was worth, I made her smile, like an upset "I don't want to laugh at this moment, but I can't help it" kind of smile, and that's what counts. Luckily there were no fractured bones.)
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︎ Aug 12 2018
My wife was out for a run and said she had to take an emergency poop in the woods. I want to believe her...
But I think it's a load of crap.
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︎ Feb 11 2019
Why do hospitals have emergency generators?
It seems to me they have enough emergencies there to begin with.
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︎ Jan 13 2017
[Request] Looking for puns about "tubes"? My pun-loving friend just had emergency surgery to remove her Fallopian tube and I'd like to cheer her up!
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︎ Apr 14 2016
Did you hear about the emergency surgery to remove a neckbeard, scarf and fedora?
Doctors were pleased to announce the first ever successful hipsterectomy.
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︎ Aug 31 2018
COMMENCE EMERGENCY TOOL IDENTIFICATION PROTOCOL!
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︎ Oct 30 2017
There was an emergency when I used an impact driver to make a hole in the wall
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︎ Apr 29 2018
A man was rushed to the emergency room after several small plastic model horses were inserted in his rectum.
The doctors are now reporting his condition as "stable".
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︎ Apr 21 2018
In queso emergency, please open a bag of tortilla chips.
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︎ Aug 30 2017
What do you call it when too many dogs show up at the emergency room?
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︎ Dec 29 2017
COMMENCING EMERGENCY TOOL IDENTIFICATION PROTOCOL
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︎ Oct 30 2017
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