I have 6 hands, 12 feet and 3 heads. What am I?

A liar.

πŸ‘︎ 164
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-muthamae
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......

Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.

Well played, boy.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
I bought a second hand Time Machine next Tuesday...

They don't make them like they are going to anymore

πŸ‘︎ 169
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
What do you call an angry heavyweight boxer with his hands tied behind his back?

Whatever you want.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?

Brochure

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Mehdi_haned
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
A man got his left hand cut off

He's all right now

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smellypants5379
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
does anyone know the name of this hand movement asking if the person understood the pun? (I can't find many images/gifs of it)
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superguri22
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
What has 2 hands, a face and is only ever right twice a day?

A clock with no battery.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch

The bar tender says β€œwow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks β€œand the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds β€œwell we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, β€œok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds β€œI was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says β€œthat made you lose your eye?” β€œNo” says the pirate β€œit was my first day with the hook!”

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?

My hand.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a tattoo parlour holding a small bird in his hands. The tattoo artist looks at him, confused.

The man asked, "Tit for tat?"

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ehhzuulaaa
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands, and two legs?

A rookie!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GuyOnABison
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put your hand in a blender ?

You get a hand shake.

πŸ‘︎ 155
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
When I catch my son, Luke, eating with his hands.

"Use the fork, Luke."

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bmstile
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
My mums sister keeps taking the law into her own hands...

She's a vigilauntie.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
american schools are some of the only places you can have first hand experiences with Quadrilaterals and quad-collaterals
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blahblorb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20
🚨︎ report
My hand slipped off the handle of the casket while carrying it to the hearse and left a deep bruise on my leg.

I was appalled.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
Whenever a book publisher refuses to accept my hand-delivered unsolicited autobiography, I usually just squeeze it as hard as I can with my thighs...

so that it's easier to walk away with my tale between my legs.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ May 03
🚨︎ report
Two guys were arguing. One of them had only a left hand and one had only a right hand.

After a while, the left handed guy realized that the other guy was right, so he left.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NationYell
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
I asked my future father-in-law for his daughter's hand in marriage.

He said I hope you take the rest of her too!!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away

I just had two paws for a moment

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...

but it does give me paws.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
My friends call me weird, but on the other hand,

There's 5 fingers

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
🚨︎ report
Why your hand cant be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ewpx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
I have a friend that steals hand-held kitchen tools in broad daylight.

Hes quite the whisk taker

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/masesarkidd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
Dude 1: Hey bro Dude 2: Yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you hand me that pamphlet?

Dude 2: Brochure

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
🚨︎ report
Did that man in the Bible really leave his sense of sight in the hands of one person claiming to be the son of God?

Talk about blind faith

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eagleboy444
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
Dad, why did they cut off people's hands for theft in the past?

Hmm. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think they just wanted them to hand something back.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepOrderDis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

They are dead.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not a romantic gesture...

Maybe, they just want each other to shut the fcuk up.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
Bear Hands
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dickiedaydream
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

πŸ‘︎ 201
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
In Soviet union you were not allowed to write with your left hand. That isn't right!
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tambalajus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
You gotta hand it to dwarves...

...because, sometimes they can't reach.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...

It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kcflds
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me to start doing hand exercises.

I’m struggling to grasp the importance of this.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/attemptednotknown
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report
My son asked me if a T-Rex could clap its hands.

"No, son, they're extinct."

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
🚨︎ report
I like to hold hands at the movies.

Which always seems to startle strangers.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beej2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
This is real lee getting out of hand
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/h3y0002
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How many bones are in a hand?

A handfull.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0rreborre
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
You really have to hand it to short people

Because they can't reach it themselves

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/High_on_Strife
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?

You get a handshake

πŸ‘︎ 157
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lil_biggyeeeet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
🚨︎ report
I just chopped my left hand.

My right hand is left

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/romeo_rocks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a Hand Shake!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
🚨︎ report

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