I have 6 hands, 12 feet and 3 heads. What am I?
From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......
Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.
Well played, boy.
I bought a second hand Time Machine next Tuesday...
They don't make them like they are going to anymore
What do you call an angry heavyweight boxer with his hands tied behind his back?
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
A man got his left hand cut off
does anyone know the name of this hand movement asking if the person understood the pun? (I can't find many images/gifs of it)
What has 2 hands, a face and is only ever right twice a day?
A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch
The bar tender says “wow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks “and the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds “well we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, “ok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds “I was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says “that made you lose your eye?” “No” says the pirate “it was my first day with the hook!”
What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?
A man walks into a tattoo parlour holding a small bird in his hands. The tattoo artist looks at him, confused.
The man asked, "Tit for tat?"
What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands, and two legs?
What happens when you put your hand in a blender ?
When I catch my son, Luke, eating with his hands.
My mums sister keeps taking the law into her own hands...
american schools are some of the only places you can have first hand experiences with Quadrilaterals and quad-collaterals
My hand slipped off the handle of the casket while carrying it to the hearse and left a deep bruise on my leg.
Whenever a book publisher refuses to accept my hand-delivered unsolicited autobiography, I usually just squeeze it as hard as I can with my thighs...
so that it's easier to walk away with my tale between my legs.
Two guys were arguing. One of them had only a left hand and one had only a right hand.
After a while, the left handed guy realized that the other guy was right, so he left.
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
I asked my future father-in-law for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He said I hope you take the rest of her too!!
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away
I just had two paws for a moment
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
My friends call me weird, but on the other hand,
Why your hand cant be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
I have a friend that steals hand-held kitchen tools in broad daylight.
Hes quite the whisk taker
Dude 1: Hey bro Dude 2: Yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you hand me that pamphlet?
Did that man in the Bible really leave his sense of sight in the hands of one person claiming to be the son of God?
Dad, why did they cut off people's hands for theft in the past?
Hmm. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think they just wanted them to hand something back.
why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?
When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not a romantic gesture...
Maybe, they just want each other to shut the fcuk up.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
In Soviet union you were not allowed to write with your left hand. That isn't right!
You gotta hand it to dwarves...
...because, sometimes they can't reach.
After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...
It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.
My doctor told me to start doing hand exercises.
I’m struggling to grasp the importance of this.
My son asked me if a T-Rex could clap its hands.
"No, son, they're extinct."
I like to hold hands at the movies.
Which always seems to startle strangers.
This is real lee getting out of hand
How many bones are in a hand?
You really have to hand it to short people
Because they can't reach it themselves
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?
I just chopped my left hand.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?