Is washing my hands technically a germocide?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/isaacthehedgehog
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve always hated washing my hands with hot water

But I’ve started warming up to it

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hi-I-may-be-Satan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be a pro at washing my hands.

But now I'm all washed up.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wileydan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Hand washing pun!
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doccadocca
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the burnout experienced 3/4’s of the way through hand-washing a particularly large load of dishes?

Post-Traumatic Stress Dishorder.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colorblindbass
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been washing my hands so much that now I think they are greeting me.

Must be because of my hi gene.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raskaro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand

I told her, β€œwell... it’s better than washing them by foot.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whuaiguy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife [while washing hands]: I need to switch to a different purse before church

Me: be sure to finish washing your hands first, because otherwise you'll be CHANGING PURSES IN MIDSTREAM

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfDa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Washing your hands?

My parents are redoing the bathroom, so the vanity was in the living room. Talking to my mom about her broken Fitbit.

Her: I had it charging all day, and it won't connect to my phone. I tried to use the sync-

Me: but it's sitting on the couch!

Her: shamelessly shakes her head and high fives me

I'm gonna be good at this whole dad thing.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sngx94
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2016
🚨︎ report
You know why I like washing my hands with soap?

Because it's good clean fun.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YouKnowWhyIke
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad was getting inexplicably angry before washing his hands for about a month now...

Here's our soap.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cockdangle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Just going to have to wash my hands off this one!
πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chocolaterush
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,

I sing faucetto...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mickets
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I've washed my hands so many times this week

That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agt13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The sign in the bathroom said β€œemployees must wash hands”.

I waited over two hours for an employee to come in to wash my hands before I washed them myself and went home.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timned88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the gynecologist wash their hands?

Because they were afraid of crotch-contamination.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cassei
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the tree wash his hands?

He had sticky fingers.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimple007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said β€œEmployees must wash hands”

I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.

πŸ‘︎ 215
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoopMonster696969
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Remember to wash your hands
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theacez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".

But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MysteryOrange7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.

They make me sick.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/punkgamedev
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked if I helped my kids wash their hands

I said β€œI’d lather not.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teeim
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I was addicted to soap once.

Now I’m clean

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/poorly_timed_fuck
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
If a mute kid swears, does his mom wash his hands off with soap?
πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiggyGrady
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Why did the baker have to wash his hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

My gf isn't impressed either.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vysken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet?

Or are we still just washing our hands?

πŸ‘︎ 365
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a sign in the restroom that said employees must wash hands

A guy asked the cashier what is he supposed to do if there's not an employee there to wash his hands...

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wildabeast108
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
🚨︎ report
I accidentally rubbed ketchup into my eyes

In Heinz sight, I definitely should’ve washed my hands first.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharlieFoxtrot432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to be helpful
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmonis2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
So I heard that due to Coronavirus, Ireland is cancelling St. Patty's celebrations...

They're trying to stop the infection from Dublin.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leparr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

πŸ‘︎ 251
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I feel like I am living in a Abbott and Costello inspired dream..

-WHO wants you to wash your hands.

-Who does?

-Yes

-Who wants me to wash may hands?

-Yes, WHO wants you to wash your hands and practice social distancing.

-I don't know who. My mom?

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jgpitre
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Some important advice for Corona virus:

When you wash your hands, make sure every area is COVID.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ICTman1076
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
It is April 2nd

I now wash my hands of all COVID-19-related April Fool's jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmpireStrikes1st
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are T-Rex extinct?

They couldn't wash their hands.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BenderDeLorean
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Chick-fil-A is the only safe restaurant right now

They wash their hands religiously

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simulated_Person
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My 3 year old said this...lm so proud.

Mum: Wash your hands

Child: Ok Mum (starts to sing very loudly)

Mum: ....in silence!

Child: Don’t be silly Mum....we wash our hands in the sink!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shinylittlelamp
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my wife while making the shopping list

Her: So how are we doing with Toilet Paper?

Me: I've been practicing for 30 years, i think i got a good technique going.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bnicoletti82
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Employees Must Wash Hands.

If an employee is not available, wash your own.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pythonhobbit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?......

.........you can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
If a mute kid swears.

Does his mother wash his hands with soap?

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report

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