I wrote up my 20 page patent application for an assistive tech robot that flips pages of a book for you.
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︎ Aug 22 2018
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he can assist with any luggage.
The photon replies, βNo, Iβm traveling light.β
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Scientists in Dublin are assisting in the research for a covid vaccine.
They are known as the Fighting Virish
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︎ Jan 26 2021
We used to have a Teacherβs assistant named Ruth, but one day she left.
After that, our teacher became ruthless
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Ad in local paper : 'Wanted Barber's assistant'
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︎ Jan 06 2021
What are Aquaman's assistants?
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︎ Dec 27 2020
I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;
βAre these knickers satin?"
"Noβ she said, βTheyβre brand new...β
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︎ Nov 24 2020
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
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︎ May 09 2020
My pregnant neighbor was really nervous when the woman who was to assist her in labor was stuck in traffic.
She was having a midwife crisis.
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︎ Nov 27 2020
I went to the book store and asked the assistant for any books about turtles.
She asked " Hardback? " And I said.. .." yeah, and little heads. "
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︎ Nov 10 2020
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
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︎ Oct 24 2020
I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"
"No" he said, "It kills them"
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︎ Sep 24 2020
Why was the bakerβs assistant fired?
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︎ May 28 2020
Last summer, I worked on a party boat for the assistants to the staff of Terry Crews
I was on the Crews' crew's crew cruise crew.
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︎ Jul 20 2020
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
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︎ Dec 17 2020
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.
As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.
The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"
I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.
I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
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︎ Apr 11 2020
My girlfriend said she might leave me because I didn't give her sufficient First-Aid assistance when she needed it.
Well, I wouldn't put it plaster
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︎ May 21 2020
A warden implemented a policy to only allow medical assistance to inmates that previously cooperated
They called it "Snitches get stitches"
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︎ May 18 2020
Today, the day after Ash Wednesday, my assistant discovered she actually enjoys making spreadsheets.
I told her that was excellent.
.
(This is a true story.)
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︎ Feb 28 2020
Web assistant
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︎ Dec 17 2019
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:
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︎ Dec 05 2019
I asked the shop assistant where the Terminator action figures were.
She said "Aisle B, back".
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︎ Feb 07 2020
I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.
The assistant asked me, βWill you be putting that up yourself?β I replied, βNo, Iβll be putting it up in my living room.β
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︎ Sep 25 2020
Why do some types of healthcare professionals only care about themselves?
Because they're nurse assists.
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Anyone have any Egyptian jokes?
I am in a roasting war and in need of assistance.
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Is Google Assistant a dad?
http://i.imgur.com/KD1dxhgh.jpg
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︎ Oct 20 2016
What do you call it when your virtual assistant misunderstands your request?
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︎ Jan 16 2020
When you ask google assistant for a pun and you instantly regret it
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︎ Jul 24 2019
An assist from my son
My 4yo son asked my wife about her Halloween costume.
My wife to my son: "I'm going to be a witch!"
My son turned to me "Mommy is becoming a witch!"
"Yeah, but what will she be for Halloween..."
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︎ Nov 03 2019
I'm the best Assistant DJ in the entire world....
In fact, I hold the record!
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︎ Oct 30 2019
Tonight, my daughter assisted me in hanging a new medicine cabinet.
Me: I think I measured wrong. The toggle bolts aren't lining up with the darned holes. Man, I really screwed this up.
Her: Did you........make a pun?
Me: concentrating on the task at hand Huh?
Her: Never mind.
Me: gets it Ha! No, but that's awesome! "Screwed" it up. Ha! You're a PunMaster!
Her: You're a dork.
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︎ Aug 12 2019
Whatβs a Dr. Peppers assistant
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︎ Dec 15 2019
What do you call a Scottish cloakroom assistant?
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︎ Nov 18 2019
A man goes into surgery to get his Appendix removed.
Unfortunately, the doctor cut a little too deep and the man's organs began to spill out onto the operating table....
...
...
"Well, it looks you have a table of contents now" says the medical assistant.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
My executive assistant has long hair.
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︎ Aug 06 2019
I asked the book store assistant where the books on self help were...?
She replied "Sorry, that would defeat the purpose"
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︎ Sep 15 2019
Why didn't Billie Joe Armstrong use any assistants when he was on a cooking show?
It's because he woks alone.
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︎ Sep 18 2019
Why did the dental assistant go to the comedy club?
She was told she was really good at impressions!
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︎ Aug 30 2019
I didn't really know how to play Texas Hold Em but luckily my friend was by my side to assist with raising and calling...
He was aiding and a-betting!
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︎ Aug 18 2019
Google Assistant Joke
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︎ Nov 27 2018
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
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︎ Sep 11 2020
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"
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︎ Oct 16 2019
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"
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︎ Jun 18 2020
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, βIs this good for wasps?β
He said, βNo, it kills them.β
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︎ Apr 24 2020
A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.
Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
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︎ Aug 08 2019
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