A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he can assist with any luggage.

The photon replies, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elusivblak
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My pregnant neighbor was really nervous when the woman who was to assist her in labor was stuck in traffic.

She was having a midwife crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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An assist from my son

My 4yo son asked my wife about her Halloween costume. My wife to my son: "I'm going to be a witch!" My son turned to me "Mommy is becoming a witch!" "Yeah, but what will she be for Halloween..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raeshkae
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I didn't really know how to play Texas Hold Em but luckily my friend was by my side to assist with raising and calling...

He was aiding and a-betting!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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My 40-year old pregnant wife was freaking out in deciding which woman she wanted to assist her with childbirth.

I said, "relax honey! You're just having a mid-wife crisis."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Assist me with some puns

So my s/o gets super crossed when I tell him puns. I'd greatly appreciate if you guys could drop your cheesiest puns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/McSithLord
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2016
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aaaaaaaand the assist

i was sitting at a counter, eating my lunch, when this guy and his wife come in and start getting really inquisitive about the beer list. they finally order something. after they've had a few sips:

waiter: how's the beer? guy: i don't know, it has a "moorish" taste to it. waiter: ... wife: he means he's going to probably want "more" of it.

part of me wants to believe that this was a successful assist on her part, but then part of me thinks the guy probably feels robbed of the punchline!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/make_em_laugh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2014
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We used to have a Teacher’s assistant named Ruth, but one day she left.

After that, our teacher became ruthless

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Steph_Curryan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Ad in local paper : 'Wanted Barber's assistant'

'Fringe Benefits'

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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What are Aquaman's assistants?

Mermaides

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;

β€œAre these knickers satin?" "No” she said, β€œThey’re brand new...”

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the book store and asked the assistant for any books about turtles.

She asked " Hardback? " And I said.. .." yeah, and little heads. "

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?

Band aid.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OhTheComedy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"

"No" he said, "It kills them"

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Why was the baker’s assistant fired?

He was loafing around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SporadicSage
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Last summer, I worked on a party boat for the assistants to the staff of Terry Crews

I was on the Crews' crew's crew cruise crew.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exmachinalibertas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.

They were caws for concern.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eruditeredditor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.

I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.

As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.

The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"

I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.

I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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My girlfriend said she might leave me because I didn't give her sufficient First-Aid assistance when she needed it.

Well, I wouldn't put it plaster

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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A warden implemented a policy to only allow medical assistance to inmates that previously cooperated

They called it "Snitches get stitches"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOtherHoboBeard
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do some types of healthcare professionals only care about themselves?

Because they're nurse assists.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hysnbrg4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Today, the day after Ash Wednesday, my assistant discovered she actually enjoys making spreadsheets.

I told her that was excellent.

.

(This is a true story.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/craic_d
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Web assistant
πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThunderAlex2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Anyone have any Egyptian jokes?

I am in a roasting war and in need of assistance.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgper18
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.

The assistant asked me, β€œWill you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, β€œNo, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/forstuvetankel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:

"No Siri Bob"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BazzyTheLemon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked the shop assistant where the Terminator action figures were.

She said "Aisle B, back".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when your virtual assistant misunderstands your request?

Dysalexia

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pyrolovesmoney
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Is Google Assistant a dad?

http://i.imgur.com/KD1dxhgh.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GiveMeBackMySon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2016
🚨︎ report
When you ask google assistant for a pun and you instantly regret it
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shrimpydoodaa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A man goes into surgery to get his Appendix removed.

Unfortunately, the doctor cut a little too deep and the man's organs began to spill out onto the operating table....

...

...

"Well, it looks you have a table of contents now" says the medical assistant.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm the best Assistant DJ in the entire world....

In fact, I hold the record!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Tonight, my daughter assisted me in hanging a new medicine cabinet.

Me: I think I measured wrong. The toggle bolts aren't lining up with the darned holes. Man, I really screwed this up.

Her: Did you........make a pun?

Me: concentrating on the task at hand Huh?

Her: Never mind.

Me: gets it Ha! No, but that's awesome! "Screwed" it up. Ha! You're a PunMaster!

Her: You're a dork.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GTFOakaFOD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s a Dr. Peppers assistant

Nurse salt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shieldvortex17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Scottish cloakroom assistant?

Angus McCoatup

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dalek7of9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My executive assistant has long hair.

I call him my mane man

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked the book store assistant where the books on self help were...?

She replied "Sorry, that would defeat the purpose"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why didn't Billie Joe Armstrong use any assistants when he was on a cooking show?

It's because he woks alone.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aexicas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the dental assistant go to the comedy club?

She was told she was really good at impressions!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jezreel62
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"

"No, it kills them."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"

"No, it kills them."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, β€œIs this good for wasps?”

He said, β€œNo, it kills them.”

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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