I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough
I’ve just handed in my Too weak notice.
My next door neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
I’ve decided to tell my kids that I want to live my life as a woman
It’s better to be honest, I just want to be transparent
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer and I don't think I'm quite fit enough for the job.
Therefore I've handed in my 'Too Weak Notice'
I decided to divorce my cross eyed wife
We didn't see eye to eye and I think she was seeing someone on the side.
Decided I’m gonna open a purse shop in Iraq
Think I’ll call it Bagdad
A man's wife decided to become a whiskey-maker.
I've decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
Decided on a career change, from the kitchen to medicine. Didn’t last long though.
Turns out that thyme doesn’t heal all wounds.
Who decided to call them “murder hornets”
I'm not brave enough to discover new things in the real world, so I decided to be an Internet Explorer instead.
Sadly even that was to Edge-y for me!
I decided to invent a time machine you wear like a belt
It turned out to be a complete waist of time
With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'
I couldn't decide where this meme should be putin, so I decided to post it here
The farmer decided to cook the meanest cow he had
People keep talking about eating clocks here, so I decided to eat one too while I was in line at the DMV.
Sure enough, my weight went up by several minutes.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg have decided to record an album together.
My boat flipped over during a storm, so I decided to wear it on my head. After all...
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have....a lot in common.
My brother and his wife decided to name their baby boy Tinnitus.
He claims it has a nice ring to it.
I have decided not to vaccinate my kids.
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
Edit: Thanks for the Silver :)
Three fruits decided to have a dragrace match. The Lemon prepared by practcing driving skills, the orange by studying the appropriate tecniques, the grape by relaxing in the sun. Who won?
The grape. He was the only one who went raisin.
A British man decided to pick up a hitchhiker with no arms, 1 leg and 3 heads.
He says: " 'ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, hop in!"
Hey everyone, thanks for keeping this community awesome, but due to several reasons, I've decided to stop making dad jokes, here's why
My dad decided to get a new car
He got a Ford. When I asked him why, he said: "Because it's the only one I can afford."
A frog decided to do a genealogy test
Turns out he’s a tad polish
My local sports store had an overstock of boat paddles, so they decided to have a sale.
I hear Trump has decided to give up golf...
He spent too much time in the bunker.
My son decided to eat dinner outside despite the pouring rain...
During quarrantine I decided to enrich my science knowledge and started reading a book about anti-gravity.
I decided to make a fortune with a new invention, a pen vending machine!
so i saw some other puns like this and decided to make one myself. Enjoy :)
When couple's say they've decided to have a baby, are they serious or
My friend just told me that he has a third nipple, and he has decided to get surgery to remove it.
He really needed to get it off his chest.
I saw a kidnapping today.. Decided to let him sleep
I decided to grow out a quarantine beard. I'm not really sure why, I guess I just had a wild hair.
I didn't really like it at first, but I have to say it's really grown on me.
After hearing about Tetris for so long, I decided to play.
For the first time in my life, everything is falling into place.
I decided to spend the lockdown months taking online lessons on escapology.
I decided to go to Paris on a whim.
But learned I can only get there on a plane.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
I’ve decided to open up an ophthalmologist office for homosexuals
Who decided to call them online yoga sessions
So bored during quarantine, I decided to get paperview.
I decided I could go outside as long as I stayed 6 feet away from everyone
So I went for a nice walk through the cemetery
Who decided to call it a Library
My dad decided to name his new truck "Stormtrooper"...
That way he doesn't hit anything
I've decided to become a math teacher, but I'm only going to teach subtraction.
I just want to make a difference.
We decided to have a Stallone Movie night.
They got mad because of the Cliff Hanger ending.
I decided to try something new and get my wife a box of red hot chili peppers for Valentines
she told me "give it away, give it away, give it away NOW" !
The wife and I decided we don't want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
Bear with me... came across this and decided to post it because it looked cool
I’ve decided that with my stimulus check I’m going to buy a hat, then a shirt, and lastly some pants.
Top down economic stimulation.
Based upon my shameful behaviour after drinking, I finally decided to quit drinking altogether.
I’ve decided to try electro therapy.
The results were shocking.
I've finally decided on my 2018 New Years resolution
My 2018 New Years resolution is to stop postponing things.
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Did you hear? Since COVID-19 has everyone is stuck at home, and sports networks need content, they've decided to televise competitive bathroom sports.
It'll be on the channel E. S. Peein.
I decided to leave my strict, religious Pennsylvanian community to raise ducks. When I told my father, he said "Son, you have a choice"
You can either be a Quaker, or a Quacker.
My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him.
They are named Kay and Elle.
A genie granted me one wish. I wanted to be rich, but didn't want to deal with the IRS and decided I wanted wealth as I needed it. So I wished for the touch of Midas.
After that, everything I touched turned into a muffler.
Decided to have a curry for dinner the other night, that was a mistake...
Spent all night vindaloo.
Now that I have more time, I’ve decided to take care of my health and eat a more balanced diet.
I haven’t dropped any food so far!
Two satelites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't much but the reception was incredible
My friend decided to do stand up comedy in a cemetery
I recently misplaced some of my game pieces for Yahtzee, and honestly it’s been hell, so I decided to make some posters to put up around the apartment complex:
Toilet paper companies have decided against increasing production to meet current demands.
They said it would make business plunge.
A group of owls decided to form a rock band...
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
A maths teacher decided to form a band, what he’s gonna call it?
A Friend and I Decided to open a Chinese Cookie Business
We're going to make fortunes
I recently decided to reorganise my life
The heart transplant was successful!
My wife decided to put a bunch of leftover chicken bones in the crockpot so we can make a lot of soup at home as this thing drags on
When it was done she said "we're all stocked up!"
I decided to make a change this year by getting a new monitor
My new year's resolution is 2560x1440
I’ve decided to get Animal Crossing
It crossed my mind that I need to broaden my horizons
My girlfriend has decided to repurpose our novelty cookie jar. Say hello to our Tea-Rex.
My friend Dante was a big fan of PETA, but then decided to protest against them.
I decided against a demonstration on how glasses are manufactured.
I realised it would make a spectacle
The math department at my former high school decided to dress as dominoes for Halloween
Decided to help my friend restring his guitar, I have no regrets
The NBA played it's first game in France yesterday. I decided to use that opportunity to make a ton of French puns.
roto.life/nba-paris-game-…
Once I decided to visit my old friend who is a world chess champion just to see how he's doing. This is how I became the next champion.
All I did is "check mate".
He decided to take charges.
I decided to use a ride-hailing app
I got to my destination uber quickly
If Harry decided to take up painting now he’s stepped back from the royal family...
...he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
I know a kid who was born without eyelids. His parents decided to have him circumcised and used his foreskin as a skin graft for his eyelids. The surgery went really well....
.... although afterwards he was a bit cockeyed.
I don't know why Marvel hasn't decided to put advertisements on Hulk...
....I mean, he is essentially a giant banner.
Our office has decided to employ livestock
So now I have a bunch of new cow-workers
“Honey, I decided on a name for our baby. We shall call him Apple.”
“Apple? Well, I guess if we have one more its a pear.”
With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the World Origami Championship.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner
It was just collecting dust
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