I’m gonna buy cereal with my COVID relief money.

Stimulus Chex Mix

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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BREAKING :: Lebanese President Michel Aoun states there will be no additional disaster relief funds for those affected by blast.

A real Lebaneezer Scrooge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangerHikes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I'm going to my Jamaican chiropractor to get some joint relief.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guangtou22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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A national coin shortage must provide some much needed relief for people who don’t like change.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeepinmama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in the car with my 10 year old daughter and there was a sign that said road works ahead. She’s said road works ahead , that’s a relief. I’ve never been so proud to be a dad.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tabrjo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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I'm stuck in a migraine clinic hoping to get some relief. IVan is my new buddy imgur.com/yM0ejnb
πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elithecat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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My dad and I were looking for topical pain relief at walgreens. imgur.com/3EELBCk
πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grahambert
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
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I heard the Kool Aid man is starting a baseball team.

He's the pitcher.

πŸ‘︎ 227
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryingstlfan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
When the flood receded... (A Math joke)

Noah let out all the animals. Two by two, they disembarked from the ark.

As Noah breathed a sigh of relief, the two snakes that were on the ark came up.

β€œNoah, Noah!” they cried. β€œCan you get us some logs?”

Noah, groaning, complied with the request.

Months pass. Noah is making some food in his home when the two snakes he gave logs return with their kids. A lot of them.

They ask, β€œCan you get us more logs?”

Noah, clearly pissed, says, β€œFine. But why the hell do you need logs to reproduce?”

The dad snake replies, β€œOh, we’re adders, we need logs to multiply.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElsonDaSushiChef
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I once caught a criminal in the midst of stealing some luggage.

It was a briefcase

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmicNoire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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I’ve been trying to solve a complicated maths question to take my mind off my constipation. Today, using only a pencil and sheer determination...

I finally worked it out.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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I was really scared when I got lost climbing some mountains recently, but I found a map, a topographical map...

It was a relief map.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/widowwarmer1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
On my ochem exam i was asked what IPA (isopropyl alcohol) was used for

My answer: Stress relief

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arakashi_moku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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Wall sculpture
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alleycatau
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!

It was a relief

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Gray_Area
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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They kicked me out of art school when my sculpture didn't work out as planned.

I reached my statue of limitations.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks...

Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrPapotasVIP
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the artist say after finishing his huge picture sculptured of stone?

What a big relief.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mau_lene
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
(UK) A B-road walks into a bar.

The B-road starts bragging extensively about his status as a B-road. The bar staff and patrons aren't impressed.

Then, an A-road struts in. The A-road immediately starts criticising the B-road, whilst also bragging about his own status. The two get into a big argument, and the patrons are starting to get riled up.

Then, a motorway barges his way into the bar, and starts boasting that he is better than the A-road and B-road combined. The argument escalates, and some customers grab their belongings, preparing to leave.

And then, a solid white line walks into the bar.

The whole bar falls silent. The argument stops dead in its tracks, and the three roads immediately disperse, avoiding eye contact with the new customer.

The solid white line goes up to the bar, orders a drink, and consumes it slowly. The bar is still silent. As soon as he is finished, the solid white line turns and leaves the bar without a word. The three roads breathe a sigh of relief.

The barman is astounded. "What the hell was that about?!" he exclaims.

"We don't mess with him" mutters the motorway.

"Why not?"

"He's a cycle path".

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to tell a joke about bicycle tires, but i couldnt handle the preasure

I think i might have put the BAR too high

When im done i will let out a PSIgh of relief

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heraugast12
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The mountain I hated finally left

What a relief

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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I lost my map of contours showing points of equal elevation!

It was a relief when I found it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a comedian going to the washroom?

A comic relief

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElvisDumbledore
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
He paused. Looked around. Then said "but there isn't a door behind me?!"
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nodnesse
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2013
🚨︎ report
Prisoner Escaped

Guard: Inmate #2276 escaped sir!

Warden: WHAT! How long ago?

Guard: There was a random search last night at 8:30, so figure he's been on the lamb for about 8 hours.

Warden: Oh thank God, what a relief.

Guard: How so sir? That's a hell of a long time to be missing.

Warden: Yes, but imagine how far he'd be if he was on the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Billy_Bayou
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you guys know diarrhea is hereditary?

Yup, it runs in your genes.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnglazedDonuts
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2017
🚨︎ report
What is the most relaxing weapon in a NINJA's arsenal?

The SAI of relief

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I am the proud owner of a family-run barber shop

For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.

In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!

I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.

Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment of his development, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "Son...

You are really going to have your work cut out for you."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/somenewinfo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Sudden Urge to get Naked

(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]

This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.

My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.

Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"

Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.

After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"

He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unicorn_brew
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
🚨︎ report
I passed a store today. It said "Jay's Windows:"

"Bringing relief to your breaks and panes."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rogue-wolf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
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What did the leaf say after having grown back from being torn in half?

Well, that's a relief.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fasefase
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
🚨︎ report
They replaced the old flat map in our office with a much larger one that has raised textures

It's a huge relief

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πŸ‘€︎ u/username_liets
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Got the girlfriend while cuddling

Cuddling on the couch in an embrace I grabbed her boob and started to nod off. She noticed and said: Every time you grab my boob you calm down. You're like a baby. To which I replied: It's the breast stress relief....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ISiupick
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Is Michael Giacchino the greatest Star Trek Dad Joker in the world?

He must have it in his Genes.

But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.

Star Trek

  1. Star Trek

  2. Nailin' The Kelvin

  3. Labor Of Love

  4. Hella Bar Talk

  5. Enterprising Young Men

  6. Nero Sighted

  7. Nice To Meld You

  8. Run And Shoot Offense

  9. Does It Still McFly?

  10. Nero Death Experience

  11. Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns

  12. Back From Black

  13. That New Car Smell

  14. To Boldly Go

  15. End Credits

Star Trek Into Darkness

  1. Logos / Pranking The Natives

  2. Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps

  3. Sub Prime Directive

  4. London Calling

  5. Meld-Merized

  6. The Kronos Wartet

  7. Brigadoom

  8. Ship To Ship

  9. Earthbound And Down

  10. Warp Core Values

  11. Buying The Space Farm

  12. The San Fran Hustle

  13. Kirk Enterprises

  14. Star Trek Main Theme

Star Trek Beyond

  1. Logo and Prosper

  2. Thank Your Lucky Star Date

  3. Night on the Yorktown

  4. The Dance of the Nebula

  5. A Swarm Reception

  6. Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard

  7. Jaylah Damage

  8. In Artifacts as in Life

  9. Franklin, My Dear

  10. A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy

  11. MotorCycles of Relief

  12. Mocking Jaylah

  13. Crash Decisions

  14. Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free

  15. Shutdown Happens

  16. Cater-Krall in Zero G

  17. Par-tay for the Course

  18. Star Trek Main Theme

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegeneral400
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Pad your repertoire with these
  1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
  2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
  3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
  4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
  5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
  6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
  7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
  9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
  10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
  11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
  12. PARADOX Two physicians
  13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
  14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
  15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
  16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
  17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
  18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
  19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
  20. PARADIGMS 20 cents
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_Crockett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad just sent me this one...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

πŸ‘︎ 317
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilaregenbogen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
🚨︎ report
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows in the Greater Boston area recently.

There was concern that they might have died from Avian Flu. An avian pathologist examined the remains of the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not avian flu. The cause of death was vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that nearly 96% of the crows had been struck by trucks, while only 4% were car impacts.

The MTA then hired an Ornithological Behavourist to determine the reason for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills vs car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat roadkill, they have a look-out crow nearby to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout "Cah!", none could shout "Truck!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisissami
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
🚨︎ report

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