Too many apostrophes for comfort.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
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My daughter wants a boyfriend, but hasn't been asked out yet. To comfort her, I bought her a little lamb, and named it "Relation".

It's officially her first relationsheep.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dahublubsdamub
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?

They're, there, their.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?

They’re, there, their

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Numpkins
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Going outside my comfort zone v.redd.it/0fsrlrm8w4k21
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maisy1st
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

You pat them on the back and say their, there, they’re.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xBad_Wolfx
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

There, they're, their.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EquationTAKEN
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?

There, they’re, their.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlamedXmonster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
🚨︎ report
It is a comfort knowing that Dad is looking down on us.

But we should cut his hang glider out of the tree soon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to step out of my comfort zone and try yoga

I told her that'd be a stretch

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2018
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I guess we've hit this level of comfort with each other

My SO asked if he could go down on me while I am on my period. He said he has always wanted to earn his 'red wings.' I stared at him a little weirded out and said 'well, ok, but I don't want to know how one earns their maple leafs.'

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2015
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How do you comfort an English teacher?

There, their, they’re now…

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/on3iropolos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2016
🚨︎ report
How do you comfort a frightened grammar nazi?

There there, they're there

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
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Comfortably Numb
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/makersmark12
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Keep safe during this pandemic and use an old padded bra to make yourself a comfortable mask. Just make sure you use the left cup...

Because if you use the right one you will look like a right tit.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Astoran15
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that's comfortable to sit and relax on?

A Cowch

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
I wasn’t too sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
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Wow I was a wreck last night -- t-shirt under sweat clothes, under two cotton sheets, under a polypropylene comforter, and a quilt on top of that! I could NOT get warm!

I can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I didn't have that can of Pringles in the cupboard....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the steering wheel? That can’t be very comfortable.”

The pirate replies, β€œAye, it’s driving me nuts.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/petersock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in t

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.

We’re a cover band.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
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He’s feline a lot more comfortable.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a marketing genius is comfortable in bed?

Koshy

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1-sh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I was struggling to get my wife's attention

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
What’s the most comforting rock

Bedrock, duh...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Citydoodle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Boss told me to use PowerPoint in my presentations, and I'm not comfortable with it.

I'm more of a FingerGuns kind of guy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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Why you booing me I'm right
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glitchomojo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
me comforting a friend.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IHaveAPetToaster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call comfortable furniture that says "moo"

Cowch

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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The most ComForTable part of a conference room
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frankendilt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was Humpty Dumpty comfortable in the winter?

He had a great fall.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cockplops
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend said you need Β£250,000 to comfortably raise a baby.

Although in my experience, you only need two arms.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you get your wife to notice you?

Sit on a couch and look comfortable.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
I tried ordering a cheap synthetic comforter.

But my wife cried fowl. Feeling down I ordered one with bird feathers.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/motnock
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I always wear different colors of Haynes socks

bc their comfort is unmatched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/riz_lemon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
🚨︎ report
"Sir, look at this."

"What's that Haskins?"

"I know your love life sucks, so I signed you up to a dating website."

"I'm not comfortable with a robot finding love for me."

"It says your best chance for love is in October."

"Why then?"

"Because it's autumn mated."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17
🚨︎ report
I don't feel comfortable,

I only feel comforchair.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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Was comforting a grammar nazi...

β€œThere their they’re”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Comforter

Wife: Hey, your sister's wedding is coming up, what do you wanna get her for a gift?

Me: I have no idea. What do you think she'd like?

Wife: Well, she mentioned to your mom that she could really use a comforter for their new bedroom set

Me: A comforter? Oh, yeah, I got that covered.

Wife: You do?

Me: Yeah! Starts rubbing her arm gently

Wife: Wh-what.. are you doing?

Me: shhhhh... it's okayyyy.

Wife: What? What're you doing?

Me: Being a comforter!

(This was before we got married, and she still brings it up to this day for being the most ridiculous dad joke she's ever heard.)

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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The reason I'm a Joker is that I'm not very comfortable in a Suit.
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timotab
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Curtains were probably invented by nudists

They didnt want someone to see them changing into something more comfortable

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightsOfPuzzles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
This is the most comfortable weather for taking a drive... punpics.app.link/Pyu5Nm55…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PunPics
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Our family went on a long hike, and our youngest son kept slipping and falling. My wife comforted him, saying, "Don't worry, honey, after we get through this snowy part it's all cake after that." "Don't believe a word she says," I interjected...

"There's no cake, it's all just rocks and dirt."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cronenberg_C137
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife said that we should get an ottoman so we can sit more comfortably in the family room.

I replied: "We ought ta, man".

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/craigers01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2017
🚨︎ report
People keep telling me that sheets and comforters are so great.

But I think those are just blanket statements.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyleMistry
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2013
🚨︎ report
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable

πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
An Interesting Title

So my girlfriend and I were arguing over who had the more comfortable blanket And so she finally said β€œI don’t care, I have the more comfortable blanket” To which I replied with β€œI call bullsheet!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leggomyfuegos
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the most comfortable empire? (X-post r/jokes)

The Ottoman Empire.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kirito_Beleren
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
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I was talking to a girl who makes historically accurate clothing for fun.

It started out as just one dress, but she enjoyed it so much that she started making more. She told us that she is now fully embracing her hobby, and had decided to wear corsets for a week to prove that they can be comfortable and not torture devices. To which I replied: "So I guess you could say that your hobby is fully embracing you!"

Bonus: About 10 minutes previous, I had told one of the other people in the conversation that I'd been practicing my dad jokes for years before my daughter was born.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flaquito_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
I'm not sure if my pillow is comfortable

I'll have to sleep on it

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1insevenbillion
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2017
🚨︎ report
I don't understand how people have sex in cars. I've never seen a car with enough room to do it comfortably.

Even doing it in a limo would be a stretch.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadCorey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2015
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time.

She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so.

We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today.

I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer.

But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship.

The wors

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/filiprogic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Which dog always wins the race?

The one with the comfortable lead

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Strugglng to get your wifes attention?

Just sit down and look comfortable!

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My teenage daughter was walking around the house with her comforter over her head, wallowing in self-pity

I told her "sorry you're feeling down".

She said I'm stupid.

In other words, I won.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VinceCully
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Wife: Honey I’m pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now?

Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor.

Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
For our upcoming roadtrip, my wife said she would drive us for as long as she could stand...

I told her to be sure to wear comfortable shoes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShabbySheik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Just saw my son crying because he doesn't know what a homophone is.

To comfort him I sat next to him, patted his back and said, "They're, their, there..."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jskoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2017
🚨︎ report
A genie asked, "What’s your first wish?"

Steve answered, "I wish I was rich."

And the genie said, "What’s your second wish, Rich?"

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2017
🚨︎ report
I've been trying to think of a Pink Floyd pun...

but it's beaten me, I've hit a wall

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BiggaTriggaSnigga
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My son had a nightmare, and threw the linens off his bed.

He was scared sheetless.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Holmes: "Is that mud on your boots?" Watson: "No, shit, Sherlock"

Holmes: "Is that comforter on your bed?" Watson: "No, sheet, Sherlock"

Holmes: "Is that a long note on your desk?" Watson: "No, chit, Sherlock"

Holmes: "Is that your residence?" Watson: "No, shed, Sherlock"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I was reading a piece of fan fiction about a girl so beautiful, all the heroes wanted to make her their wife, yet so powerful, no villain dared fighting her. They rather sought legal action against her.

Had to lay it down, I can't stand these marry/sue charakters.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clotting_Agent
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
🚨︎ report
what do you call a hotel room made out of cake?

A "Comfort Sweet"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cake-A-Holic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad why he never goes to the furniture store next door

He said it was too close for comfort.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnarwalbacon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend who lost all his toes to a lawnmower wants me to take him to a group therapy session for toeless people.

I told him I wasn’t comfortable with this, and now he’s accusing me of being lack-toes intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TarantulaPets
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
While waiting for someone to make a turn

Dad: just move already!

Mom: He's just not comfortable going into traffic

Dad: I don't care if he's comfortable or a dining table, he should move

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/just_a_gene
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What time do ducks wake up?

At the quack of dawn.

πŸ‘︎ 978
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cunt_Bucket_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2016
🚨︎ report
TIL: During the American Revolution, George III didn’t even bother to leave the couch.

He was sofa king comfortable.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
People who sleep with 3 or more pillows are psychopaths.

But im comfortable with it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sans_was_taken
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
At a job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said I could, but I'd be more comfortable playing Bohemian Rhapsody.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nwwazzu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife asks her husband "Am I the only one you've ever been with?"

The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" -- to which his wife embraces him comfortably

...the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!"

Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imOVN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the blanket say as it was falling off the bed?

"Oh sheet!"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atruemermaid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?

Comforter.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hydrent
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Finding the perfect mouse for your PC sounds like a hard thing to do.

But once your hand gets comfortable using a mouse, it just clicks.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ciseak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night my bf asked me to hand him the blankets...

As I pulled the comforter over him I said, "I got you covered."

I proceeded to laugh for 1 solid minute, he did NOT think it was funny.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2015
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Need a pun having to do with Karo Syrup for a good cause!

A friend called as I was walking out the door this morning and said she found out yesterday afternoon that she has breast cancer. She knows when I leave and timed it that way because she couldn't handle a long conversation. Bread dipped in Karo is her big comfort food, so I am wanting to pick some up with a loaf of bread and leave it along with a note by her door. I want the note to be happy/upbeat and figured what's better than a one line pun. Problem is, I am stuck. (see what I did there?)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RaspySalamander
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2017
🚨︎ report
FiancΓ©e was distraught about killing a duck... tried cheering her up with a dad joke.

So my fiancΓ©e came home from work earlier this week, clearly upset. I asked what was wrong and she went on to tell me about how she accidentally ran over a duck.

In an attempt to comfort her, my compassionate and empathetic self responds with, "well I guess it's safe to say the duck suffered from a quacked skull huh?"

She was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ih8YourCat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2014
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As a young kid, I struggled with homophones, despite having a great teacher.

I can still remember comforting me when I got overwhelmed - giving me a hug and saying "there, their, they're."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whtbrd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Frogs have webbed feet.

No wonder they love the comfort of an open-toad sandal.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karmaniak
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad called and asked if I was sitting down

I said Yes He said Good it’s more comfortable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/niggety
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
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Halloween party sleeping arrangements

The previous weekend my college age daughter told me she had slept in her car after a party.

This weekend:

Me (dad): so did you sleep in your car again?

College age daughter: No, we were a lot more comfortable than that. We slept indoors.

Me: Seems like a door would be a lot less comfortable than a car!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2013
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As a new dad, my jokes are boundless

My wife was getting a sheet from the closet and I went to jump on the bed and said, "wait let me get this sheet on there!" I said "don't use that language with me!"

She drop the sheet said you're stupid and walked out of the room.

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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2015
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My girlfriend was feeling naughty last night.

So my girlfriend asked me to help her brush her hair cause she said it was knotty. This is our conversation

GF: Hey can you brush my hair real quick? It's knotty.

ME: Sure but let me slip into something more comfortable.

GF: Why?

ME: Cause it's naughty (also had my best sexy face on)

GF: ... Ugh...

Needless to say she's brushed it herself.

πŸ‘︎ 482
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maverickthegreat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
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Sleep? It's all about preparation.

Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."

Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"

He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.

Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,

"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.

He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.

..............…

I was confused.

................

He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".

Yeah... Nice one dad........

πŸ‘︎ 731
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smegmagma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
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Dadjoked my *now* ex-girlfriend while she was breaking up with me.

So, today my girlfriend broke up with me. To keep it short, we were together for a few month and everything happened really fast. Bla bla bla, she said something about how she always felt comfortable around me but never could develop any strong love feelings for me.

She: "This week I was thinking a lot about us, our relationship and future and I took off my 'cheesy being-in-love-glasses' Me: Well, I know you're still wearing your contacts..." (she actually did)

So I got that going for me which was nice. But now I'm sad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Germerica
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2014
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What do you say to comfort an English teacher?

They're, there, their.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

There their, they’re there

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strongpillow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2018
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I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_improviser
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
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Struggling to get my wife's attention?

So I simply just sat down and looked comfortable.

That did the trick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDPhoenix-8632
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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