Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.
The son said, “What’s slash dad jokes?” Kids, right!
"Ahhh, that's the sheet."
The satisfactory.
http://i.imgur.com/pXZIVgo.png
His motto is satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back.
Satisfaction!
and they work their fingers to the bone.
Dad: so what do you want for dinner?
Me: food
It is super lame but understand my satisfaction. He used that joke so many times lately
I just walk around the house turning off lights in unoccupied rooms. Doesn't pay much, but the job satisfaction is high.
A bunch of ROTC kids were getting sworn in at halftime and the lady says, "I, state your name." And I swear to you, half the dads in the stadium go, "I state your name" followed by stifled chuckles
I'll be sitting in the passenger seat. Perhaps on my phone. My dad will point out to the street and say 'Hey'. Naturally this gets my attention. I usually respond with 'What?' He wont answer. I'll look over and he'll be pointing at a Truck transporting a large number of bales of hay. I look at him. Smuggest look of satisfaction on his face.
Edit: I can't spell. I'm like a clam Edit 2:http://i.imgur.com/mTme2Jo.jpg
I waved at it as I walked by and replied "Bye-Biscus"
If her audible groan was not satisfaction enough, the amused chuckle of the older gentleman walking in the other direction certainly was.
For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.
In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!
I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.
Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment of his development, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "Son...
You are really going to have your work cut out for you."
And in the waiting room he found a chart with the qualities of a "good poop". It said that one of the main qualities In the best poops are that they sink. They don't float. So he comes home and shows us a copy of the chart.
Literally like 10 mins later my little sister comes out of the bathroom screaming that she had a great poop because it sank "just like the titanic".
My dad wastes no time and run into the bathroom to check on the toilet and looks at me with a face of satisfaction that told me he was gonna do it. Then he said it:
"That's some good shit right there".
I work at a large retail bookstore, and my job is basically just to wander around and help people find what they're looking for. Yesterday I spotted an older gentleman looking lost, so I asked him if he needed help finding anything.
"Yeah, the new Dr. Seuss one, whatever it is."
So I led him to the kid's section where we have a whole display for What Pet Should I Get.
"This one's been really popular, as you can guess," I said as I grabbed one off the display for him. As I did so, a few of the books behind it toppled off the display and onto the ground.
"Yeah," he said, "I can see they're just flying off the shelves."
I laughed for a few minutes and he left with his book and the look of satisfaction that only comes from a top-tier dad joke.
Edit: Oops. Put 'today' in the title but it rly happened yesterday. Sorry! :x
My dad was helping me move today. I pulled the memory foam off of my mattress to make it more manageable and my dad asks, "What is that?" I told him and he quickly replied "Who was your first grade teacher?" Me being unable to answer he said with great satisfaction, "See, it doesn't work!"
Me: it baffles me how Trump has made it this far and is leading in the Republican Party.
Dad: well, he's obviously just "trump"ed the competition.
I tried not to give him the satisfaction of laughing. But I did.
I was at the deli counter stocking up on sammich supplies. The people at the counter usually offer samples, especially when I've got my daughter with me. So anyway, I was handing a slice of extra sharp cheddar to my daughter as my wife was walking away, and I called out extra loud(so she could hear me), "Make sure you don't cut yourself!" I looked back with the biggest, most stupidest smile I could muster, and much to my satisfaction, she was weeping in the produce section. With joy, I'm sure.
I was in my young punk phase, couldn't have been more than 13, and I was at a friend's house for a pool day. Being the little shit that I was, I started a fight with my buddy just to start one. The fight escalated to the point where we were throwing oranges at each other from the yard. The fruit trees were very special to my friend's Dad, and I knew this. The fight got out of hand and the oranges were everywhere. This was bad. I ended up running away.
Of course I got in trouble and the next day I had to return to clean up. I was terrified. I mean, my friend's Dad was always a nice guy, but I'd never seen him this pissed... We destroyed his prized trees! I had no idea what I was walking into. I went up to the door, rang the bell and braced myself for the worst. My friend's Dad opened the door with a smirk on his face and said: "Orange you glad to be here?"
Somehow I knew the joke gave him greater satisfaction than having his oranges back. From that day forward I respected the shit out of that backyard.
My 18th birthday was today, so naturally, it was all talk about my "becoming an adult," when my dad busted this one out:
"I don't understand. I think he has been a dult his whole life!"
The satisfaction in his smirk as everyone rolled their eyes was undeniable.
He looks down and sees his pants are wet.
He goes to the guy on his left, "you do this?"
Guy shrugs, "nah".
Guy on his right, "you?"
"nah"
The drunk looks down and shrugs
"must be an inside job"
After telling the joke he sniffs deeply than exhales in satisfaction.
"great joke, got anymore?"
"i don't know, they just come to me!"
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but Byrds will never hurt you.
