How do astronaut parents soothe their baby to sleep?

They rocket.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fordskis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?' he said...

'No, just up to your neck'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fullmiz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
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What do typographers use to soothe their feet after a long day?

Lorem epsom salt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asmor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2016
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A soothing sentiment...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_Jockstrap
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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I'm gonna make a compilation of soothing farting noises

And call it ASsMR

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Y_M_N_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.

Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.

"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.

"Yeah? What?" She responded.

"Was that you?" I called back.

After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"

I could not stop laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnotm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.

I call it:

THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbeeson
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
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No wonder that trees are so soothing and calming.

They're forest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kahooki
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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When Archie's fiancee put her engagement ring near her ear, she could faintly hear guitars, maracas, and soothing Spanish vocals.

It was a marry Archie band.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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Why did the technician sing to the broken computer?

Trouble-soothing.

My son loves this one with online learning. I only had to explain to him what troubleshooting was 4 times!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrangeCandi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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Just ordered a 12” wide console table to go by our entryway door.

My daughter says it will be very soothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WOTrULookingAt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.

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πŸ“…︎ May 06 2017
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Our newborn wouldn’t stop crying this morning...

My wife is trying to soothe the little fella, not sure what’s wrong.

There’s a short checklist we go through, feed, hot/cold or pooping. He has a bit of trouble when he’s trying to poop.

β€œWhat’s hurting? What do you want? Is it mouth or butt that you want?”

Me from the kitchen:

β€œHow come I never get this question?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Order-for-Wiiince
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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A lady's husband died and at the wake, I hugged her and said, "they're there."

"Hear here," she sobbed, asking, "who's there?"
"No," I said soothingly. "Who's on first. They're there."
"Oh." She said, seeing that I pointed to the flowers I had found in the cemetery on the way to the showing. "Thanks for coming by."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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A man is auditioning for a role in an opera production the local opera company is putting on.

He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.

"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."

The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"

"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."

Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.

At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.

"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."

"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kojo2047
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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What do you listen to when you want to relax?

Soothe jazz of course!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2017
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Road Rage

IΒ΄m not really sure if this fits here, but itΒ΄s a hilarious story.

A Year ago my Father, mother, brother and me were driving to lunch(or breakfast), when we came to an intersection. This intersection has seen alot of accidents over the years, because people donΒ΄t give a fuck and just turn in. Long story short: A guy almost crashes his van into our car. It all went really fast. My dad shouted, hit the brakes and with a screeching sound we halted. The van just drove on and was before us. My dad muttered something like: "ThatΒ΄s it!" and overtook the van. He stopped infron of said van and got out.(Sidenote: We are all tall in my family. my little brother is a little over 2 meters and is really buff. IΒ΄m just 2 meters tall and my dad is a little smaller than me. My mum is the smallest of the bunch with just 1,86 or so) So my dad gets out of the car and starts shouting at the guy in the van. My father is a real pacifist and hates violence of any form, so we all were really shocked. I look over to my brother and say:"We gotta hold him back heΒ΄s gonna rip that guys head off!". So we both got out and the guy starts trembling behind his steering wheel, when suddenly a giant stands infront of his car shouting and hitting and kicking the air, while 2 larger giants hold him back (barely though) and try to sooth him. My mother gets out goes over to the guys windows points him to let it down and say:"YouΒ΄re lucky my sons are with us, otherwise we wouldnΒ΄t be having this conversation." She goes back to my father tells him to cool down and we all get back in the car. The guy in the van looks frozen at us and doesnt move a muscle. Remeber we are still on the street holding up the entire intersection, so cars start honking. ItΒ΄s then i hear my dad laughing and saying:" You didnΒ΄t think i was gonna do anything did ya?" We didnΒ΄t spoke to him for the rest of the ride, but later at lunch(or breakfast) we all laughed about it.

TL;DR: 3 Giants teach a man not to speed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GnakFlak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2014
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