Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl relieve itself?

Because the P is silent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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How do you relieve an executioner from his duties?

You do it with a firing squad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chonqme
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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Some people relieve their sexual urge by taking matters into their own hands.
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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If the cops take you in, where do you relieve yourself?

The arrestroom.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/13toycar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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What do small people use to relieve stress?

A midget spinner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gabri_Sv
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2017
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Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:

"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xoriatis71
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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When I was born, I sure was relieved

I was running out of womb.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J-Mother
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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What's a relieved TV show?

Phewturama

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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Why was the captain of the USS Roosevelt relieved of command?

The Navy hates leaks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amart612
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.

He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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I was so relieved when I found the tire store.

It really was the best place to take a leak.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FarkGrudge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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The tree hated losing his foliage in September.

When it grew back in March, he was so relieved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EastlyGod1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved!

Thank God it came back negative!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
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A friends Dad said her Mom isn't doing well...

Her said called her and said Mom isn't doing well. She got all worried and started getting emotional so she called her Grandmother to ask what was going on. She found out that Doctors are telling her one of her ovaries seems missing and they don't know where it is. She seemed relieved to find this out as it wasn't as serious as her dad made it out to be but was still concerned.

I told her that her dad had an ovaryaction.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Qik1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.

The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MafiaCub
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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I remember the most humiliating time at camp...

I was wearing overalls and, in my sleep, had relieved myself...

It was an overall crappy experience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Water4real
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?

Dereliction of doodie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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There should be a manly constipation medication called "Court Marshall."

"You are now relieved of duty!"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.

A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it.

"That's easy. These are khakis."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/electricalalarm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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My daughter asked if I am going to die someday.

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

She looked relieved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosmonk_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2015
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My girls came down wearing solar system themed shirts

I said, "Did you just happen to each wear those shirts or did you planet?"

https://imgur.com/lSBknX4

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tychomino
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2015
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My dad's name is Paul.

Whenever anyone says "I'm appalled!" around him, he says "No, I'm a Paul, you're a [insert name here]."

e.g. Kim: "I'm appalled!" Paul: "No, I'm a Paul. You're a Kim."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LifeIsTheFuture
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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The urinals were broken at my dad's work

He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom.

When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronr93
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
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The pharmacy only had one pack of laxatives left, so I bought them.

I’m so relieved

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whitebeaks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Young Billy Finally Lands a Date for the Prom

He really wants to impress her, so he decides to rent a tux. However, when he gets to the rental place, people are queued up out the door. He doesn't let this stop him, though. He takes his place in line and gets to waiting.

Finally, after waiting for over an hour, he gets fitted and pays for the rental. Relieved, he heads to the florist for a corsage, only to discover that the line there is also out the door, and halfway around the block, to boot!

Miffed, he mutters some mild obscenities, but he is determined to see this through, so he waits for almost 2 hours before finally being able to buy the flowers he picked out.

It's now the night of the dance, and he's ready to go. He picks her up, and they head to the event. When they arrive, his date immediately asks him if he can grab her a drink - she's absolutely parched! Still determined to make this the best night of her life, he dutifully makes his way to the other side of the venue, where he discovers, much to his surprise...

 

 

 

There's no punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rolling_Man
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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My grandpa's favorite joke this time of year

I used to know a guy who absolutely loved hollandaise sauce. He would buy the spiciest brand he could find and would put it on just about everything. Well it turned out that because he used the spicy sauce so much, it started to wear down a hole on the roof of his mouth. He went to a doctor and asked what he could do about it. The doctor looks at the damage and determines that the man will need a metal plate placed at the roof of his mouth. The man is relieved but can't help asking the doctor if he will still be able to enjoy his hollandaise sauce. The doctor reassures the man that his new plate will be made of chrome. The man was curious, so he asked if chrome was the best choice. The doctor responded with "Oh don't worry, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MAJpeppers13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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In the time honored tradition, President Trump pardoned two turkeys this Thanksgiving.

Trump Jr and Eric were mighty relieved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/derawin08
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
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My Dad's signature longform joke

My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.

"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."

At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"

He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/budgeroo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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A friend told me this one today

Some monks set up a cart and began selling flowers for funerals in front of an Irish Catholic church. The bishop was displeased as selling funeral arrangements was a source of revenue for the church so he hired his very large friend Hugh McWIlliams to chase them away. For weeks Hugh stood guard and the monks didn't return until the bishop decided that the matter was resolved and relieved Hugh of his duty. The very next day the monks returned with their cart of flowers and it was at this point the bishop realized: only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Odhrain
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2013
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My wife said I should have a word with our son, as she can never find any of his socks to wash...

With a knowing nod, I went to his room.

"Son," I said, "I was your age once and know what it's like, just use something else, eh?"

He seemed relieved as I winked and walked out.

I remember making puppets out of socks and having hours of fun talking to them too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Almost got stabbed to bring you this one...

My wife was working on a green bean casserole and couldn't find one of the ingredients.

Wife: Have you seen the can of fried onions?

Me: What does it look like?

Wife: White container, red writing.

Me [Feigning hopeful tones]: Little red writing?

Wife [Relieved]: Yeah!

Me: ...hood?

Wife brandishes knife.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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So there are these twins in my calculus class...

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.

His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."

He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.

Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.

Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unknown_name
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
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Can I take your vitals?

"Just don't take them too far."

My old man is in the hospital recovering from a stroke, and just had this exchange with a nurse. I'm very relieved to see he's still it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timinator1000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2016
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A man registered for a woodworking class...

A man registered for a woodworking class at his local college. At the end of orientation day, he went up to his professor and nervously enquired whether they would be learning how to make chairs.

"But of course," exclaimed the instructor. "Why?"

"Oh well you see," the man exhaled, visibly relieved "I suffer from IBS and my doctor requested a stool sample."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
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Every Time I have lost an item.

I'll ask around to see if anyone has saw it...

Example: Me: Where's my phone? Dad: Your Phone?! (In a very promising tone) Me: Yes! (Relieved) Dad: Don't know. (Troll Face)

Every goddam time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SRB_93
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2015
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Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
🚨︎ report

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