It was all about delivery
I was grocery shopping with my roommates and one was picking out a dozen eggs.
Friend: "ahh gross. Look at this."
He pulls out his hand from a carton and is covered in egg.
Me: "I guess the chicken does come first."
I had to walk into the next isle to stop laughing.
Girlfriend: Does depression come in waves?
Me: Actually I think it comes between them.
Her: ... Alright that was kinda funny.
I was registering a vehicle to my name that I bought off a guy who had a lean out on it. The credit union who was holding the title took forever and a day to send it my way. Well in California, you need to transfer the vehicle in under five days of the purchase. Unknowingly, I waltz into the joint expecting a boom bam thank you ma'am process. Low and behold the clerk says I owe a hundred and some odd bucks for being late, but I explained her the situation and since it was not my fault she flopped the form to waive this fee.
I saw my opportunity and I pounced...
"So this is the....Tidal Wave?"
I get a blank stare for a solid ten seconds and she slaps down another form saying that I owe 500 dollars in taxes. Good ol' California DMV.
Me and my family were travelling in the car on a long journey; everyone was falling asleep and bored out of their minds, until: Dad: What a pile of shite... Me: What is? Dad: That pile of shite over there. We were all in stitches laughing for a good 10 minutes.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles are aunts!
Unless they are ground
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.
"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.
"Yeah? What?" She responded.
"Was that you?" I called back.
After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"
I could not stop laughing.
Then it struck me.
I can't really see what's so funny about it.
That would be shocking.
He was delighted
We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.
We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.
We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.
So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.
We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??
She needs to lighten up.
because they lighten me up
You con-du-it
They're always making shortcuts
i've only got my shelf to blame....
me: My blood type is o+
him: That's right, you should always be O+ person. It's not good to B-.
My mom said, "yeah, go stand up there with a pole, see what happens!" My father the replied, "well I would take you with me so I wouldn't go up with a Pole, I'd go with a German!"
After his baseball game, we picked up some take-out food for the family. Driving home and now dark, he and I see three people walking along the shoulder of our street, all wearing dark clothes. I almost hit one of them. I say, shaking my head, "Look at these idiots, wearing dark clothes at night...someone's gonna get run over."
He replies, from the back seat, "Yeah...they're not too bright."
He said it was a very “in lightening” experience.
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it
My girlfriend's friend was going to get an MRI scan and was nervous. I decided to lighten the mood.
Me: Did you know that dogs can't get MRI's?
GF and friends: Really?
Me: No, but cat's can.
They told me leave.
Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.
A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.
A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.
Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.
Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...
What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)
People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.
His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.
Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!
Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)
There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)
Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.
When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.
Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)
If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.
There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.
Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.
There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.
Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)
Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.
It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.
In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.
In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.
Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?
Doc: There's something not q
... keep reading on reddit ➡She told me to lighten up.
You must get struck by lightening.
so I told her to lighten up. Ever since that day, she proposed a breakup, and I don't know why.
I was gonna tell her a joke to lighten the mood, but decided not to. I can see that my jokes are beginning to get cornea and cornea.
Get a lamp. It will lighten up your mood.
My dad has this habit of pretending he didn't hear what you said, and then "repeating" it. Like if I said I was going to see an art show, he'll say, "You're going to a FART show? I had no idea you'd have any interest in that!" Lots of jokes along those lines, amongst others.
When I was younger I would laugh because he was kinda funny, and also to make him happy, but as I've gotten older I laugh not JUST because he's funny (in a corny way) but because the fact he still makes these jokes makes me so happy and really warms my heart. My mom is physically disabled, my dad has a bunch of health issues, we've all suffered terribly at times because of all this illness. And no matter how bad it gets, my dad is always there trying his hardest to put a smile on other people's faces and to lighten the mood a bit with his jokes. I've always been the type of girl to mope and be depressed when things are hard, but as I've gotten older I've tried to be more like my old man because I think it's something really special and admirable and selfless about stepping outside of your own negativity to give others something to laugh at or smile about. My dad is such a fuckin hero, I love him so much, and I can't imagine how unbearable this world would seem at times without him trying to make us all laugh.
So to all you dads telling your corny dad jokes, don't ever stop. Your kids and wife might groan or roll their eyes, but inside they love their corny old man and appreciate the goofy puns and fart jokes you tell!
So in a few days I'm supposed to get an ultrasound on my heart and I want to lighten up the mood a little by making a few puns about the situation. Can you all help me with some real clever ones? Anything about shortness of breath and heart problems would be amazing :)
For a little bit of background information, my dad suffers from multiple system atrophy and got a high fever, which turned out to be from a bad urinal tract infection. He has been at the hospital for almost 2 weeks now, and it is really hard on our family, but he is doing his best to get better and throws this small dad joke to lighten me and my brothers day.
A Speech Therapist comes every day to help him focus on his muscles in his face to help him swallow and speak clearer with simple gestures of noises and deep breathing. As she was done with his exercises, she said to him "Can you say goodbye, have a nice day! in a long sentence?" (As in one breath with no pauses). My dad then takes a look at me and my brother and says in his slurred voice "goodbye... have a nice day... in a long sentence".
The Speech Therapist just smiled and shook her head while we facepalmed...
Thumbs up Dad, I know you will come home soon!
After a rather silly joke to lighten the mood
Him: Dude, you're testing my patience.
Me: But [his name], how can I be testing your patience if I'm not a doctor.
Him: Please stop.
From my grandma not my dad, but they are the same.
I have had a cat for 14 years and just recently she's getting sick and not eating. To lighten the mood I said "don't worry she's just on a diet" Grandma replies with "No she's on a DIE- it bahabagabahndiejdndn" Thanks grandma.
Dead silent on the way there for the majority of the ride. It was a very solemn trip, but then...
Dad: "You know, I had this great joke about Alzheimer's that my pops loved, but-- I just can't seem to remember it."
eyes roll/lightful chuckles ensue
Can always count on him to lighten the mood even in the darkest of times.
A family friend had passed away and my Dad and I were at the wake.
Dad: Let me know if you need to borrow a shirt, a tie, or a suit for the funeral on Friday.
Me: Eh, no that's OK, thank you though, I have a few of my own.
Dad: Alright, well then...suit yourself.
Everyone standing around laughed and the mood was immediately lightened.
Way to go Pops.
"Statistics prove that 4 out of 5 doctors should lighten up."
So I work in a hospital, doing tilt table tests (for people that faint). The test sucks for the patients, because it's uncomfortable and makes people feel anxious.
Anyway, my patient earlier was an awesome young lady, who happens to have cerebral palsy, so her legs are different lengths, and her arms draw up and are very rigid. She had the best attitude, and was very charming.
So, while she's standing upright, strapped to the table, she was getting pretty anxious, and uncomfortable, since she keeps sliding to one side since one leg leg is longer than the other...
I thought I'd lighten the mood, so I said: "Well, I guess your mom should have named you Ilene huh"?
The nurse looked at me like I was a COMPLETE asshole... But the patient, she laughed her ass off! It was great. After that point she was a lot less tense, and we were able to finish up.
And no, I wasn't being mean when I said it, because I knew she could take the joke. :D
I was teaching a review lesson on the Aztecs to my 9th grade global students. We were covering chinampas (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinampa) and I decided to lighten the mood by saying "considering the technology they had at the time, chinampas are pretty a-maize-ing. Sorry that was a corny joke." Didn't get a single laugh.
Preface: My dad, mom, and I went out to eat mexican food. Like we usually do, we order a huge platter of nachos and demolish the whole thing. Surely we are full even before our main course arrives. We all ordered combination platters that consisted of, burritos, enchiladas, and tacos which were overflowing with lettuce that no one except for my mom wanted to eat. My mom kept on nagging my dad and I to eat the lettuce so that it would lighten us up and make us feel less full:
Mom (for the 10th time): You boys should eat your lettuce. Come on now.
Me: Mom lettuce be!
Immediately my mom cringed and groaned, while my dad, after repeating the joke, gave a hearty chuckle.
She needs to lighten up.
She needs to lighten up.
