Dad joke to lighten up grocery shopping

I was grocery shopping with my roommates and one was picking out a dozen eggs.

Friend: "ahh gross. Look at this."

He pulls out his hand from a carton and is covered in egg.

Me: "I guess the chicken does come first."

I had to walk into the next isle to stop laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ted_Schmosbyy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2015
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Trying to lighten up the mood at the DMV.

I was registering a vehicle to my name that I bought off a guy who had a lean out on it. The credit union who was holding the title took forever and a day to send it my way. Well in California, you need to transfer the vehicle in under five days of the purchase. Unknowingly, I waltz into the joint expecting a boom bam thank you ma'am process. Low and behold the clerk says I owe a hundred and some odd bucks for being late, but I explained her the situation and since it was not my fault she flopped the form to waive this fee.

I saw my opportunity and I pounced...

"So this is the....Tidal Wave?"

I get a blank stare for a solid ten seconds and she slaps down another form saying that I owe 500 dollars in taxes. Good ol' California DMV.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/my_leggg_guy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2014
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Hopefully his mood is lightened up..
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.

Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.

"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.

"Yeah? What?" She responded.

"Was that you?" I called back.

After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"

I could not stop laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnotm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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What do you say to an electrician that has no confidence?

You con-du-it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sveil96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight...

She needs to lighten up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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my son introduced me to dark humor the other day, i don't know why they call it "dark humor"

because they lighten me up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenPhoenix14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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I got dadjoked by my 11 yo son.

After his baseball game, we picked up some take-out food for the family. Driving home and now dark, he and I see three people walking along the shoulder of our street, all wearing dark clothes. I almost hit one of them. I say, shaking my head, "Look at these idiots, wearing dark clothes at night...someone's gonna get run over."

He replies, from the back seat, "Yeah...they're not too bright."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCbullet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
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What did helium say to the balloon?

Lighten up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/biphoenix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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Like /u/jgudnas, my wife also caught me cross dressing

She told me to lighten up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hawkeyehatton
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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people laugh my girlfriend because she gained weight

so I told her to lighten up. Ever since that day, she proposed a breakup, and I don't know why.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hokitonline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
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If you are feeling down lately, I've got a surprise for you.

Get a lamp. It will lighten up your mood.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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I don't have the heart to tell you guys...

So in a few days I'm supposed to get an ultrasound on my heart and I want to lighten up the mood a little by making a few puns about the situation. Can you all help me with some real clever ones? Anything about shortness of breath and heart problems would be amazing :)

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2015
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My Dad at the hospital.

For a little bit of background information, my dad suffers from multiple system atrophy and got a high fever, which turned out to be from a bad urinal tract infection. He has been at the hospital for almost 2 weeks now, and it is really hard on our family, but he is doing his best to get better and throws this small dad joke to lighten me and my brothers day.

A Speech Therapist comes every day to help him focus on his muscles in his face to help him swallow and speak clearer with simple gestures of noises and deep breathing. As she was done with his exercises, she said to him "Can you say goodbye, have a nice day! in a long sentence?" (As in one breath with no pauses). My dad then takes a look at me and my brother and says in his slurred voice "goodbye... have a nice day... in a long sentence".

The Speech Therapist just smiled and shook her head while we facepalmed...

Thumbs up Dad, I know you will come home soon!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neil_to_me
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2015
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My dad says this all the time

"Statistics prove that 4 out of 5 doctors should lighten up."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncannyFart
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2015
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I just made a dad joke to a hospital patient.

So I work in a hospital, doing tilt table tests (for people that faint). The test sucks for the patients, because it's uncomfortable and makes people feel anxious.

Anyway, my patient earlier was an awesome young lady, who happens to have cerebral palsy, so her legs are different lengths, and her arms draw up and are very rigid. She had the best attitude, and was very charming.

So, while she's standing upright, strapped to the table, she was getting pretty anxious, and uncomfortable, since she keeps sliding to one side since one leg leg is longer than the other...

I thought I'd lighten the mood, so I said: "Well, I guess your mom should have named you Ilene huh"?

The nurse looked at me like I was a COMPLETE asshole... But the patient, she laughed her ass off! It was great. After that point she was a lot less tense, and we were able to finish up.

And no, I wasn't being mean when I said it, because I knew she could take the joke. :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Totally_Bradical
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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Cracked a dad joke on the most appropriate day: my dad's birthday

Preface: My dad, mom, and I went out to eat mexican food. Like we usually do, we order a huge platter of nachos and demolish the whole thing. Surely we are full even before our main course arrives. We all ordered combination platters that consisted of, burritos, enchiladas, and tacos which were overflowing with lettuce that no one except for my mom wanted to eat. My mom kept on nagging my dad and I to eat the lettuce so that it would lighten us up and make us feel less full:

Mom (for the 10th time): You boys should eat your lettuce. Come on now.

Me: Mom lettuce be!

Immediately my mom cringed and groaned, while my dad, after repeating the joke, gave a hearty chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadsspaghetti
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
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My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.

She needs to lighten up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.

She needs to lighten up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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