General Anesthesia always helped put internal disputes to bed.
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
I wanted things to end on a positive note.
Babysitting my niece in this heat I wanted to be nice and go out for ice cream. So, I start off with "Hey.. I was thinking.." and before I could finish this 6-year old says "Yeah I thought I smelled something burning", without ever looking up.
The sick irony is that I read this one online and was saving it to roast her. I'm proud, but sad. Of course that doesn't mean my campaign of horrid jokes came to an end!
Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"
Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."
Judge: "ok.... then? "
Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."
Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"
The pleasure was all mine.
He said it was his pleasure.
They're my quilty pleasure
It almost feels like Kamera Sutra
Like many Brits I like a hot drink in the morning. The first one is really special. Dyed gold, and in a golden cup.
It's my gilt tea pleasure.
Sitting at the table for Father's Day, my 16 year old daughter decided to be grand in her wishing me a happy father's day.
"Dad, thank you for siring me."
"You're welcome, but, the pleasure was all mine."
My mother in law glared. Everyone else laughed.
He can’t seem to deal with the aftermath.
They ribbit for your pleasure.
A female friend of mine has a sexual fantasy of being choked during sex (which she exposed during a drunken... "moment"), I am a bad person and find great pleasure in exploiting this via subtle public humiliation! SO, what choking puns have we got to offer?! I'd think of my own but I go to say them and I just choke...
As I'm coming out of the shower and talking with my wife she tells me about the crack the dentist found and will need to be fixed. I remind her I've got one that they've been monitoring for a while too. I ask her "you wanna see my crack?"
Of course...I turn around and show her my bare ass....
She tried REALLY hard not to laugh at that.
I guess now he's an octo-puss.
...but the accusations were bassless.
I'll see myself out.
I just met a handsome monk. He has spent his life abstaining from carnal pleasure. I found him ascetic-ically pleasing.
The wind tunnel says to him "It's a pleasure to meet you Mr Hanks, I'm a huge fan."
.....and I posted "Is it Valignant?".....which was then followed by the most downvotes I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Lesson learned: keep my puns to this subreddit only!
Over the years my dad has done the very old, very lame "Hi _____, I'm Dad."
Today he got stuck in a ditch after sliding on some ice. Once home he looks angry so I said "Hey, you look pretty angry." He says "I'm pissed off." FINALLY. My moment has come, I will have the great pleasure of doing it, I open my mouth and these little words come out. "Hi I'm piss-" WHACK
He knew what was coming and wouldn't allow it.
TLDR; Don't dadjoke your dad when he's angry.