Because it choo Choos.
And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.
I guess the steaks are high.
Me: youβre breathtaking
You probably bit off more than you could ACHOO!!!!!!
I guess, it'll just DYE.
Backstory: I had bought a set of nice Nespresso coffee cups for my parents for Christmas (original, I know). But these aren't your standard, chunky, ceramic Christmas mugs with snowflakes or Santas, but actually something for the type of coffee fanatics that spend their money on Clooney's kind of blend, what else?
So - having dessert; cake, coffee, the whole shabang.
Me, inspecting one of said cups: "I'm glad I actually found a set that doesn't stay in the cupboard all year like literally every other mug you've ever gotten from anyone."
Mom, eating cake: "Mm-hmm."
Me: "Like, these are actually really nice. I like the pattern around the base and how they're round and square at the same time."
Mom, between bites: "They're very nice."
Suddenly, Dad, eating his cake completely silently up until this point: "You should take a picture of them. Might make for a pretty cool mugshot."
Cue me barely managing to swallow my coffee, Mom chuckling into her cup and both our subsequent groans
His obituary said it was the wurst way to die.
It's actually a double pun and enters the realm of dad quality
A female friend of mine has a sexual fantasy of being choked during sex (which she exposed during a drunken... "moment"), I am a bad person and find great pleasure in exploiting this via subtle public humiliation! SO, what choking puns have we got to offer?! I'd think of my own but I go to say them and I just choke...
The police are treating it as a hummuside
.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'
As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.
Breathe, damn it! Breathe!
The caninelich manoeuvre!
The cops are treating it as a hummus-cide.
You should have choo chood.
A doctor sees the man choking and springs into action. He runs across the restaurant, pulls the man out of his chair, pulls the man's pants down, and licks his butt. The man coughs hard, and the food is dislodged from his throat.
Grateful, he turns to doctor and says, "Thank God you knew the Hind Lick Maneuver!"
And a Czech one, too.
I guess he bit off more than he could achoo.
He's a black belt in Jew Shih Tzu.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
The first thing I asked was if it was chicken or turkey, because we can't dismiss fowl play.
Cough up the dough
Perform the Guggenheimlich maneuver.
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorβs love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevorsβs degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevorβs front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnβt keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
βWellβ said Jeff, βAs Iβm sure you know the convention comes to town laterβ.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
βYes of courseβ replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit β‘She rolled her eyes and said "Booberry Wheats, obviously"
I said "No, it's..." and then in a super spooky ghost voice "... WeeeeEEEEeeeetabix"
She laughed so hard she choked on her food.
Now I Think Iβm getting haunted by a poultrygeist
I said "at least it wasn't a General of Corn". No one laughed except me.
Said the man who killed a grizzly with bear hands.
It was a paneer-death experience
The Arctic Choke
He said, "What do you want, a pat on the back?"
And I know most of you here can do better than my,
While stiff arming their face, "I don't wanna seeeeee yo food."
Do you get it? Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back... You get it right?
Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers.
Dad replies from the other room, "Are you sure son?!"
I say, "Yes, I'm choking!"
Dad: "If you say so. You're a doctor!"
Doctor: I think you mean constipated.
Man: No, I had a vowel movement.
