Choke Puns

Because it choo Choos.

And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.

I guess the steaks are high.

Me: you’re breathtaking

You probably bit off more than you could ACHOO!!!!!!

I guess, it'll just DYE.

Backstory: I had bought a set of nice Nespresso coffee cups for my parents for Christmas (original, I know). But these aren't your standard, chunky, ceramic Christmas mugs with snowflakes or Santas, but actually something for the type of coffee fanatics that spend their money on Clooney's kind of blend, what else?

So - having dessert; cake, coffee, the whole shabang.

Me, inspecting one of said cups: "I'm glad I actually found a set that doesn't stay in the cupboard all year like literally every other mug you've ever gotten from anyone."

Mom, eating cake: "Mm-hmm."

Me: "Like, these are actually really nice. I like the pattern around the base and how they're round and square at the same time."

Mom, between bites: "They're very nice."

Suddenly, Dad, eating his cake completely silently up until this point: "You should take a picture of them. Might make for a pretty cool mugshot."

Cue me barely managing to swallow my coffee, Mom chuckling into her cup and both our subsequent groans

His obituary said it was the wurst way to die.

It's actually a double pun and enters the realm of dad quality

A female friend of mine has a sexual fantasy of being choked during sex (which she exposed during a drunken... "moment"), I am a bad person and find great pleasure in exploiting this via subtle public humiliation! SO, what choking puns have we got to offer?! I'd think of my own but I go to say them and I just choke...

Sitting down having dinner with my wife and girls (1,3,4) and my three year old says “Do you know what my baby does?!” And she made her doll do a backflip on the table. And almost as if instinct, I said “well do you know what my baby does?! MY BABY TAKES THE MORNING TRAIN...” and I hit them with the whole of Sheena Eastons song during dinner.

It was perfect.

The police are treating it as a hummuside

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

Breathe, damn it! Breathe!

The caninelich manoeuvre!

Nothing worse than Honey Bunches of Throats.

The cops are treating it as a hummus-cide.

You should have choo chood.

I'm sick of choking on my food.

A doctor sees the man choking and springs into action. He runs across the restaurant, pulls the man out of his chair, pulls the man's pants down, and licks his butt. The man coughs hard, and the food is dislodged from his throat.

Grateful, he turns to doctor and says, "Thank God you knew the Hind Lick Maneuver!"

My wife cracks open an empty fortune cookie and asks, “What kind of fortune cookie doesn’t have a fortune??” I chuckle between bites and say, “Call it a ... cookie.”

It really wasn’t funny but I haven’t laughed so hard in so long I ended up choking on my fried rice.

And a Czech one, too.

I guess he bit off more than he could achoo.

He's a black belt in Jew Shih Tzu.

He went from the ladle to the grave.

The first thing I asked was if it was chicken or turkey, because we can't dismiss fowl play.

Cough up the dough

Perform the Guggenheimlich maneuver.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

Now I Think I’m getting haunted by a poultrygeist

She rolled her eyes and said "Booberry Wheats, obviously"

I said "No, it's..." and then in a super spooky ghost voice "... WeeeeEEEEeeeetabix"

She laughed so hard she choked on her food.

I said "at least it wasn't a General of Corn". No one laughed except me.

Said the man who killed a grizzly with bear hands.

It was a paneer-death experience

He said, "What do you want, a pat on the back?"

When Vader is force choking Orson Krennic and says, “Don’t choke on your ambitions.”

My son looked at my and said, “Ha Ha! Dad joke!”

So proud.

The Arctic Choke