My son asked me if a T-Rex could clap its hands.
"No, son, they're extinct."
My hands turned to sugar.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
If your dog shakes hands with your enemy, has he committed a foe paw?
Marriage is like a hand grenade....
Remove the ring and the house is gone.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
An Italian man loses his hands from bike accident. What did his parents ask the doctor?
“Will my son able to speak again?”
My Grandad always used to say ‘many hands make light work’
Awesome Grandad, rubbish Electrician
By buddies and I were drinking beer and cracking jokes, but things started to get out of hand.
It was quite the brew-haha.
I put a hand gun in a long sandwich.
Now it’s a Sub Machine Gun
What's the undisputed ruler of all hand tools?
What do you call an amish man with his hand up a horse's a**?
What do you call a scoop of ice cream in your hand?
What has two hands and no legs
I can't tell you until I've eaten the whole thing
The decorations were from a second hand store
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
You gotta hand it to short people.
Because they cant reach it.
What’s an evil hand’s favourite sport?
I tried to take my dog out of her crate and she peed on my hands
Why did the Baker have brown hands?
This is real lee getting out of hand
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
A father hands a burger to his son before vanishing
Before he leaves, the father says, “It’s a bison burger”
I caught my little 4 month old niece chewing on her hand
So I turned to my wife and asked, who gave her the handburger? 🍔
My dad asked me to hand out invitations for my brothers surprise birthday party...
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.
There was a post about a teen holding his own heart in his hands after a heart transplant, I thought these comments belonged here
Graffiti around here is getting out of hand
I asked a girl for her hand. She thinks I'm nuts.
Some people relieve their sexual urge by taking matters into their own hands.
What’s the opposite of winning hands down?
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
I'm going to open a pizza joint where they shake a box a bit before they hand it to you.
I'll call it Little Seizures.
Trump's defeat is in his hands (Credit: how.how)
What do you call a monkey with a hand grenade?
Why did Hitler love hand sanitizer?
Because he was not a Germ man. He was Austrian.
How does Chris Kringle clean his hands?
Man, I swear something is wrong with my left hand.
It never does anything right.
How do you clean your hands at the North Pole?
You use hand Santa-tizer.
My wife plays soccer with her hands.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was not worth the trip.
What is the Inventor of hand sanitizer doing right now?
If you cut off your left hand, your right hand will be left.
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