My hand slipped off the handle of the casket while carrying it to the hearse and left a deep bruise on my leg.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 17 2021
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 13 2021
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
My friends call me weird, but on the other hand,
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
π︎ 133
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
π︎ 29
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
I tried to take my dog out of her crate and she peed on my hands
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that heβs cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. Sheβs puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
I caught my little 4 month old niece chewing on her hand
So I turned to my wife and asked, who gave her the handburger? π
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
A pirate wanted to celebrate his captainβs birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, βArrr! That was a costly mistake...β
βWe lost a lot of doubloons.β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
My wife broke up with me at the star wars celebration. An anakin cosplayer came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said...
π︎ 20
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
A good romance starts with a good friendship. A bad romance on the other hand starts with...
Ra ra ah ah ah, ro ma ro ma ma, ga ga ooh la la, want yo bad romance.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Aug 15 2019
A person that works faster than expected always has extra time on their hands.
The same is true for clocks.
(PSA: Remember to correct yours tonight, as applicable.)
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
The longest hand on a clock is always the oldest
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK.
Happy Fathers Day everybody
π︎ 143
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers for a new experiment heβs been working on, and the lab clerk hands him 13 upon his arrival. β13?β, the scientist asks, βI wanted a dozen!β
The lab clerk says βI thought you wanted a beakers dozen!β
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
I just wish, that I had made early investments in hand sanitizer, on the Stock Markets..
.. Somebody, somewhere, is rubbing their hands together.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
There are relatively few films with Dracula in them. On the other hand, films without Dracula...
π︎ 63
π
︎ May 03 2020
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
π︎ 94
π
︎ Apr 11 2020
In case youβre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 136
π
︎ Mar 26 2020
I heard someone played Animal Crossing: New Horizons for so long on end they conked out with the console still in their hands.
Looks like someone fell asleep at the Switch.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 05 2020
I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor. He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back.
I said, βWell? 2B or not 2B?β
π︎ 15
π
︎ Apr 17 2020
Too much thyme on my hands
π︎ 29
π
︎ Aug 18 2019
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
π︎ 128
π
︎ Sep 07 2019
My teenage daughter showed me a small bump on her hand and asked what it was...
I told her I thought it was a bug bite and she asked 'But where did I get bitten?' and I said 'On your hand.'
:D
She even laughed! True story!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 27 2020
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 19 2020
Whoever figured out the 'days of the month correspond with your knuckles' thing had too much time on their hands
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jan 26 2017
Dad: βI like to have my shoes match my pants. For instance, my brown shoes go well with my blue pants and my black shoes go well with my gray pants. My stripper heels on the other hand...β
β...donβt go with anything.β
My dad never makes βdad jokesβ but, he actually said this yesterday and Iβm so proud.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 20 2020
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.
I think that would be pretty handy.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 13 2020
I can count on one hand how many times I've visited Chernobyl
π︎ 141
π
︎ Aug 05 2019
My pregnant wife hobbled into the hospital with one hand on her back...
A nurse asked her what's wrong, and my wife screamed, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shook her head and said, "I'm sorryβ¦I don't understand."
My wife's face contorted in pain as she shouted, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Apr 30 2017
On the other hand...
π︎ 61
π
︎ Aug 07 2019
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Nov 26 2019
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Sep 19 2019
Well, on the one hand your right,
and on the other, your left.
π︎ 227
π
︎ Dec 11 2018
So if I set up touch ID on my phone for the same finger on both hands
Does it make it ambitextrous?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 20 2020
Iβm debating whether to write βYESβ on my left hand and βNOβ on my right hand.
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
π︎ 123
π
︎ Apr 30 2019
Heβs got a lot of time on his hands
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 20 2019
Way too much time on his hands
π︎ 36
π
︎ Mar 30 2018
Yesterday I broke my finger, on the other hand I'm fine!
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 30 2019
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand new Rolex."
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
On the other hand,
you have different fingers.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 14 2020
In case youβre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 27 2020
I can count the number of times Iβve been to Chernobyl on one hand.
π︎ 104
π
︎ May 11 2019
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you donβt
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 25 2019
I can count on one hand how many times I visited Chernobyl
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 21 2019
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