Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 163
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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What are terminators called when they retire?

Exterminators

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
When should an astronaut retire?

When they start spacing out

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjatin2007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the archivist retire?

He had back issues.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hero_of_Thyme81
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?

He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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How to retire at the age of 18

Get a job at the tire shop.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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What do you call a thot whenever they retire?

An after thot.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImASpoopyGhost
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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When Bruce Jenner said he wanted to retire abroad I thought he meant he’d be going overseas
πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cornskin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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I have decided to retire as a pilot

It was too Boeing

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pinknoodles2000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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I hope to one day be rich enough to buy a ring-shaped island chain formed of coral, where I can retire to relax.

I’ll call it my No Worries Atoll.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abridgetooclose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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I’m a failing, frustrated Doctor trying to decide if I should retire.

I just don’t have the patients...

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nkkcmo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
When a weatherman retires..

..his rain comes to an end.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/resmungomandinga
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A man named Nicholas Justin retires early from his job at a prominent magazine

At the retirement party, his boss says, "You might be getting to the next stage in your life early, but you'll always be Justin, the Nick of Time."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/command_block_guy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought a new rear tire for my motorcycle today. As the clerk handed it to me, I looked him in the eye and said "guess I can retire now"
πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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How do you call Bob the Builder when he retires?

Bob.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kwietog
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2018
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My friend decided to quietly retire from his job as a eye glass manufacturer.

He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
How was Jesus able to retire from carpentry early?

Because Jesus saves...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kero_on_the_bass
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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What do you call a boxer that retires and plays video games?

Xboxer

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deeman_27
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2017
🚨︎ report
What's postman's Pats name when he retires?

Pat

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bunneylovin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Turns out the sun is planning to retire and asked me for advice

"don't quit your day job," I said

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call Postman Pat when he retires?

Pat.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fingerofblame
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2017
🚨︎ report
I hope when an actor retires they start making music.

Cause I'd love to hear some Rock covers

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sub03
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
🚨︎ report
"I want to retire to Switzerland"

"They're so optimistic, even their flag is a big plus" Good one, Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombiejesus1991
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad could retire on this joke

My mom tried to steal a fry from my dad's plate at dinner.

Dad: Hey! I'm going to eat that!

Mom: Sorry, I didn't know. I don't want it to go to waste.

Dad: You mean you don't want it to go to MY waist!

He snickered proudly as he chomped the fried tater.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megannotmeagan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?

He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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