A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, βGet out. We donβt serve rope in here.β So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, βHey! Arenβt you the rope that I just threw out?β
The rope replied, βNo. Iβm a frayed knot.β
π︎ 12k
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︎ May 27 2020
Recently, the Kansas City Chiefs acted quickly and had to pull their team barber out mid-cut because they learned he tested positive for COVID.
Guess you could say that it was a close shave
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︎ Feb 05 2021
I'm so furious about my postmans route that I pull my hair out
I call it mail pattern baldness
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︎ Jan 21 2021
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
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︎ Aug 13 2020
Are you gonna pull it all the way out?
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 16 2020
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
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︎ Aug 29 2020
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician?
Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
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︎ Feb 01 2020
When my mom was in labor, my head got stuck in her, and the midwife had to pull me out.
Thatβs how excited I was to see my little brother.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Aug 12 2018
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, βGive me all your money or youβre geography!β
The teller replies, βDonβt you mean history?β
The robber says, βDonβt change the subject!"
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︎ Jun 02 2018
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say itβs really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
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︎ Dec 30 2019
Why did Christopher Columbus pull a bunch of Swiss chard out of the ocean?
He wanted to be in uncharded waters.
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︎ May 28 2020
Youβre traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say βTerry? Thatβs a girls name!β He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissinβ Terry
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︎ Mar 23 2019
Why did the bored man pull his money out of the bank?
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︎ Sep 26 2019
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
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︎ Dec 02 2018
What did the Great Deku Tree tell Link when he couldn't pull out the master sword?
π︎ 13
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︎ Nov 22 2019
I am a wax strip because I am clingy and would make you want to pull your hair out
π︎ 7
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︎ Oct 22 2019
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
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︎ Sep 18 2019
I pull this dad joke out each and every time I can
When my family and I go out to eat and we get the bill, ANYTIME the bill is for an odd number I hand it to my wife and ask if it looks odd. She no longer finds the joke funny...
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︎ Apr 20 2014
A cattle farmer has had to pull out of the local marathon.
It was due to a calf injury.
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︎ Jul 17 2019
A doctor pulls out his rectal thermomete, and says...
Damn some asshole has my pen.
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︎ Mar 22 2019
Pull out and pray isn't just my preferred method of birth control
It's also how I use my debit card
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︎ May 21 2019
Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?
Some asshole has their pen.
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︎ Nov 07 2018
People get suspicious whenever I pull out the graph paper
They know I'm plotting something
π︎ 14
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︎ Nov 26 2018
A Man In a Ski Mask Walks into a Bank, and Pulls out a Coffee Cup at the Bank Teller.
The Bank Teller Goes: " Are you Trying to Mug me?! "
π︎ 17
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︎ Apr 29 2019
A magician pulls a calzone out of his hat
"Sorry I only know pizza parlor tricks".
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 07 2019
If your dentist pulls out the wrong tooth
π︎ 14
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︎ Feb 07 2019
My Grandpa always pulls this one out at family functions.
Did you know I used to play hockey in high school?
Only back then we spelled it with two o's
Every. Year. We always laugh to indulge him, he loves it.
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︎ Dec 17 2013
My dad said there was a pull out couch in our hotel room
He then pulled the couch into the middle of the room
π︎ 19
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︎ Nov 22 2016
I'm talking to a potential romantic partner, when she pulls out these doozies...
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the Fresh Prince.
I'm not sure, but something tells me she's a keeper, guys.
π︎ 17
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︎ Sep 19 2014
My boyfriend pulls out the very old bottle of Vernor's from the fridge.
"Ginger-ale? More like Ginger-stale!"
π︎ 18
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︎ Mar 03 2016
Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said "Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands?"
"We wouldn't want your water to break."
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 24 2016
Not a dad, but planning to pull this one out on my children when I take them fishing
So, I'm carrying around all gear, going out to the river. I "accidentally drop it, and pick most of it up, leaving only some fishing line. I then yell to my son "come on, pick up the slack!"
And one day, I hope he learns from me, and does the same to me. And just when he thinks he's gotten me I responded "you must be trolling".
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 16 2016
Every time as a kid when I would pull out fresh laundry from the dryer..
You know how those clothes are from Star Trek? (without waiting for a response or to even take a breath) Because they're Cling-on's! (klingons). laughs at own joke and walks away
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 27 2013
Dad just asked if I liked to fish, thens pulls a pole out from behind like couch and says he likes cat fishing
π︎ 19
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︎ Nov 29 2013
Every time my dad pulls out of a parking space
Whenever he can't see past the car next to him he asks us in the back to check for cars.
Him: How does it look?
Us: You're good.
Him: Well I know that, but are there any cars coming?
Gets me everytime.
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︎ Oct 03 2014
My dad had to sleep on the pull-out couch.
I thought it might be uncomfortable but he didn't think so.
"Sofa, so good."
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 05 2014
Dad pulls a quick one while out at dinner
We had a very nice family dinner this evening, and my dad ordered a large entrΓ©e that he was determined to finish. After we finished, the waiter came back to wrap everything up and my dad asked "do you have a paycheck for me out back?" ..."because man did I work at that"
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 20 2014
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo. "He's my star," I conclude with a smile.
π︎ 42
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︎ Dec 03 2015
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