If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?

Asking for a friend

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
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I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.

I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.

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I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head...

He said β€œtell me more”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, β€œWhat’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,

β€œCurrently”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/axolitl-nicerpls
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"

I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?

Dad: I’m checking my balance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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What cheese gets bears out of trees?

Camembert

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fitzy_7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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Which pasta gets locked out of the house? β€”Technically a wife joke.

Gnocchi.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoffa22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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A cop stopped me and demanded i get out of the car. "You're staggering" he said.

"Well thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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How do you get a snail out of its shell?

You slug it!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KayakFlyFisher74
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How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ethereal_sandwich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
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I'm sorry, I couldn't get this out of my head
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Who always gets blamed for letting the farm animals out of their pens?

The escapegoat.

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How do you get out of an elephant?

You run around until you're all pooped out!

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I get a thrill out of stealing kitchen utensils

I'm a whisk taker

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
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Someone pointed out my own comment I didn't get it at first.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/budsofbasil420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad

Me: it was an adjustment

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In an attempt to bring great pleasure to myself, I'll post controversial topics in white supremacist groups in the attempt to get funny reactions out of them.

I'm mass-turd-baiting.

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What do you call a police officer who refuses to get out of bed?

An undercover cop.

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How do you get 100 rowdy Canadians out of the pool?

You ask them.

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My wife asked me when I thought I was going to get out of bed

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I told my wife I thought all cats were out to get me

She said β€œDon’t be silly, you’re just purranoid”

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They never told me that getting older mad eeverything hurt when you get out of bed

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I used to get told off about calling people out

Now I just use their names.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I figured out how to get over someone

Now i know this usually isnt the subreddit to post this, but I met this dude here and i don’t know how else to reach him. We talked for a small bit and he told me he wanted to kill himself over a girl that left him, so if you’re reading this please know that if you still need to get over her: use a ladder

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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A guy made a hurtful song about me and I couldn't get it out of my head.

I got disstrack-ted

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What do you get when you run out of ice?
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Where do worn out noses go to get repaired..?

..to the Olfactory.

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Get out of me flu
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Most people get shocked when they find out..

I’m not their electrician.

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Why did Cinderella get kicked out of the soccer game?

She ran away from the ball.

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When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,

He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence

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Wife: *gets out of the shower*

Me: Don’t shoot!!

Her: ??

Me: Oh thank God, I thought you were an Itowelian.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Finally figured out what to get my daughter for Christmas.

A severed foot. It’s the ultimate stocking stuffer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porkchop2022
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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If you ever get locked out of the house, talk to the lock calmly

Communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/havenotredditt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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If you ever get locked out of your house just talk to the lock.

Communication is key...

πŸ‘︎ 252
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaCrimsonChinn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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How do you get out of an elephant?

You run around and around until you are pooped.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyrcadian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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If you ever get locked out of the house, just talk to the lock.

Communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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What should you do if you get locked out of the house?

Talk to the lock, because communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_ivy_ally
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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If you ever get locked out your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What should you do if you get locked out of your house?

Be calm and talk to the lock.

Because communication is key!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vanguard_The
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly

Because communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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