If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?

Asking for a friend

πŸ‘︎ 625
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.

I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head...

He said β€œtell me more”.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, β€œWhat’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,

β€œCurrently”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/axolitl-nicerpls
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"

I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?

Dad: I’m checking my balance.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What cheese gets bears out of trees?

Camembert

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fitzy_7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Which pasta gets locked out of the house? β€”Technically a wife joke.

Gnocchi.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hoffa22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A cop stopped me and demanded i get out of the car. "You're staggering" he said.

"Well thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get a snail out of its shell?

You slug it!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KayakFlyFisher74
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ethereal_sandwich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm sorry, I couldn't get this out of my head
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Demon69-420
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Who always gets blamed for letting the farm animals out of their pens?

The escapegoat.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cd1cj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get out of an elephant?

You run around until you're all pooped out!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I get a thrill out of stealing kitchen utensils

I'm a whisk taker

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone pointed out my own comment I didn't get it at first.
πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/budsofbasil420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad

Me: it was an adjustment

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparxican
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a police officer who refuses to get out of bed?

An undercover cop.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Imholt11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get 100 rowdy Canadians out of the pool?

You ask them.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anddditburns
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me when I thought I was going to get out of bed

Told her I would sleep on it

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my wife I thought all cats were out to get me

She said β€œDon’t be silly, you’re just purranoid”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hideandsheep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
They never told me that getting older mad eeverything hurt when you get out of bed

I guess that’s why it’s called being a groan-up

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to get told off about calling people out

Now I just use their names.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I figured out how to get over someone

Now i know this usually isnt the subreddit to post this, but I met this dude here and i don’t know how else to reach him. We talked for a small bit and he told me he wanted to kill himself over a girl that left him, so if you’re reading this please know that if you still need to get over her: use a ladder

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/westley_blue
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy made a hurtful song about me and I couldn't get it out of my head.

I got disstrack-ted

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Croissnat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it

Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!

πŸ‘︎ 575
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ahh-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you run out of ice?
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smikoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do worn out noses go to get repaired..?

..to the Olfactory.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Get out of me flu
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Therealjuggahoe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Most people get shocked when they find out..

I’m not their electrician.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/roke619
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Cinderella get kicked out of the soccer game?

She ran away from the ball.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/freekrai
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,

He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence

πŸ‘︎ 337
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/8YourOrgans
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: *gets out of the shower*

Me: Don’t shoot!!

Her: ??

Me: Oh thank God, I thought you were an Itowelian.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yammalishus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Finally figured out what to get my daughter for Christmas.

A severed foot. It’s the ultimate stocking stuffer.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porkchop2022
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of the house, talk to the lock calmly

Communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/havenotredditt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your house just talk to the lock.

Communication is key...

πŸ‘︎ 252
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaCrimsonChinn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get out of an elephant?

You run around and around until you are pooped.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyrcadian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of the house, just talk to the lock.

Communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What should you do if you get locked out of the house?

Talk to the lock, because communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_ivy_ally
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What should you do if you get locked out of your house?

Be calm and talk to the lock.

Because communication is key!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vanguard_The
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly

Because communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
1 pun was hidden from this page. Show all.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.