My Wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing songs by the Monkees, I thought she was joking
Why can’t a boat leave from two places at once?
Because that involves a paradox.
I bee-leave I can touch the sky
When you leave the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster...
That's called A-pasta-cy
I'm proud of that one. I originally posted it to r/cleanjokes
I went to a Ford dealership the other day looking for a specific model. The salesman told me they didn’t have what I was looking for and that I wasn’t allowed to leave.
What did the rowdy guy in the yoga class say when the instructor asked him to leave?
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
I’m having a hell of a time getting this yoga instructor to leave my house.
Every time I ask her to leave she just says “namaste.”
The Easter bunny didn't leave me anything.
I guess, he doesn't carrot at all.
An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.
But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
What do you call an Irishman you can leave outside all night in the rain?
Paddy O'Furniture!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?
My son never does his laundry so one day I got fed up and told him "If you don't start cleaning your clothes I'm going to leave you all my dirty clothes in my will!"
Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry
What did Snoop Dogg say when asked to leave a yoga class?
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
My wife is threatening to leave me unless I grow up and stop playing games
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
How do you call a princess who leaves you on read?
Today is the Ides of March, when Caesar was famously assassinated. But what most people don't know is that he wasn't stabbed, but poisoned, by Hemlock leaves in his salad - hence the name "Caesar's Salad." When Brutus asked how many Hemlock leaves Caesar ingested, Caesar said:
My therapist said I should leave my job as a keyboard tester.
She said it was too depressing.
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
My wife said she'll leave me, if I ever cheated on her.
I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
Why did the scandinavian runner leave the race early?
My blonde aunt broke her leg raking leaves.
She fell out of the tree.
What do you call a tree that has feathers instead of leaves?
Are physical puns a thing here? I'm just gonna leave this here
Just gonna leave this here...
Where do space explorers leave their spacecraft?
Carnival is offering a deluxe trip where you leave your senior citizens and kids behind in the snow..
They are calling it “Ted Cruise”
I'm just going to leave it here
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?
My lactose intolerant friend need to leave this galaxy.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
What do you call an Arby's cook who leaves to work for McDonald's?
Why did the limestone leave her husband?
Where should you go to find a date after you leave your ex?
I had to leave the Neanderthal comedy club early
The humor was too lowbrow
I leave notes for people
It's how I tell the future
Why did the Psychic leave the clothing store unhappy?
because they had no mediums...
That’s gonna leave a mark...
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.
What do you call a princess who leaves you on read?
I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
What did the monk say when he was asked to leave his temple?
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