My Wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing songs by the Monkees, I thought she was joking

But then I saw her face

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DudeManDude__
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
Why can’t a boat leave from two places at once?

Because that involves a paradox.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chefaa77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
I bee-leave I can touch the sky
πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/semc1986
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
🚨︎ report
When you leave the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster...

That's called A-pasta-cy

I'm proud of that one. I originally posted it to r/cleanjokes

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidkDavid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
I went to a Ford dealership the other day looking for a specific model. The salesman told me they didn’t have what I was looking for and that I wasn’t allowed to leave.

There was no Escape.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evilmd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
What did the rowdy guy in the yoga class say when the instructor asked him to leave?

Namaste.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elko
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.

I said okay... Bi den.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nikhillala7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m having a hell of a time getting this yoga instructor to leave my house.

Every time I ask her to leave she just says β€œnamaste.”

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
🚨︎ report
The Easter bunny didn't leave me anything.

I guess, he doesn't carrot at all.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.

But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irishman you can leave outside all night in the rain?

Paddy O'Furniture!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hey_Neat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
Keanu Leaves
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/That_Guy2847
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?

Okay, Biden.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iwishidie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
🚨︎ report
My son never does his laundry so one day I got fed up and told him "If you don't start cleaning your clothes I'm going to leave you all my dirty clothes in my will!"

Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
What did Snoop Dogg say when asked to leave a yoga class?

Nah, im'ma stay

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeathMetalPanties
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
🚨︎ report
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is threatening to leave me unless I grow up and stop playing games

Reverse Card

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
How do you call a princess who leaves you on read?

Seenderella.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/evilmaker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21
🚨︎ report
Today is the Ides of March, when Caesar was famously assassinated. But what most people don't know is that he wasn't stabbed, but poisoned, by Hemlock leaves in his salad - hence the name "Caesar's Salad." When Brutus asked how many Hemlock leaves Caesar ingested, Caesar said:

Ate two, Brute.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodChadAndUgly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15
🚨︎ report
My therapist said I should leave my job as a keyboard tester.

She said it was too depressing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/codepoet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.

What a re-leaf

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dvip6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns

So from today I'm detergent to be better.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trev2-D2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
My wife said she'll leave me, if I ever cheated on her.

Always nice to know.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
🚨︎ report
I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.

Head lice.

πŸ‘︎ 203
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbredman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the scandinavian runner leave the race early?

He couldn't finnish.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swanky_wanker69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
My blonde aunt broke her leg raking leaves.

She fell out of the tree.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tree that has feathers instead of leaves?

A Poultry. πŸ˜„

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WildRiceParadise
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
🚨︎ report
Are physical puns a thing here? I'm just gonna leave this here
πŸ‘︎ 96
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grunzi6
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Just gonna leave this here...
πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuckyLecture
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do space explorers leave their spacecraft?

At parking meteors.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
🚨︎ report
Carnival is offering a deluxe trip where you leave your senior citizens and kids behind in the snow..

They are calling it β€œTed Cruise”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thehuggyduggy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
I'm just going to leave it here
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fuckkkofff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?

To beat the crowd.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisrus65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My lactose intolerant friend need to leave this galaxy.

Cause its 'Milky'-way.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rairishu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BilhoeBaggins
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..

..you could call it an Autumnobile now !

πŸ‘︎ 194
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Arby's cook who leaves to work for McDonald's?

An Arbitrator.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the limestone leave her husband?

He took her for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimple007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Where should you go to find a date after you leave your ex?

The Y!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyRamenMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
I had to leave the Neanderthal comedy club early

The humor was too lowbrow

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
I leave notes for people

It's how I tell the future

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
Why did the Psychic leave the clothing store unhappy?

because they had no mediums...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deejeyteejey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
That’s gonna leave a mark...
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kyledreeling10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.

What a re-leaf

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dvip6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
What do you call a princess who leaves you on read?

Seenderella.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/evilmaker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21
🚨︎ report
I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..

..you could call it an Autumnobile now !

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the monk say when he was asked to leave his temple?

Namaste.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Car_radio21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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