My Wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing songs by the Monkees, I thought she was joking
I bee-leave I can touch the sky
When you leave the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster...
That's called A-pasta-cy
I'm proud of that one. I originally posted it to r/cleanjokes
I went to a Ford dealership the other day looking for a specific model. The salesman told me they didn’t have what I was looking for and that I wasn’t allowed to leave.
What did the rowdy guy in the yoga class say when the instructor asked him to leave?
The Easter bunny didn't leave me anything.
I guess, he doesn't carrot at all.
An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.
But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
What do you call an Irishman you can leave outside all night in the rain?
Paddy O'Furniture!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?
Today is the Ides of March, when Caesar was famously assassinated. But what most people don't know is that he wasn't stabbed, but poisoned, by Hemlock leaves in his salad - hence the name "Caesar's Salad." When Brutus asked how many Hemlock leaves Caesar ingested, Caesar said:
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
Why did the scandinavian runner leave the race early?
Carnival is offering a deluxe trip where you leave your senior citizens and kids behind in the snow..
They are calling it “Ted Cruise”
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?
Why did the limestone leave her husband?
I had to leave the Neanderthal comedy club early
The humor was too lowbrow
Why did the Psychic leave the clothing store unhappy?
because they had no mediums...
Why did the orchestra leave the riot at the Capitol?
Donald Trump said protesting was good, but he wanted no violins
Why did the bear leave the forest he was living in?
Because it was unbearable to live there anymore...
I got fired from the shoe factory, but they were nice enough to leave me with a parting gift.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop the Star Wars puns.
Divorce is strong with this one.
What did the British guy tell his Indian mother when he was going to leave?
When you go into the bathroom you're American. When you leave the bathroom you're American. What are you when you're in the bathroom?
The bouncer told me I had to leave.
When I asked "Why?" I was told...
Because it's my trampoline and I don't know you."
Why do the British leave out the ‘t’ in ‘bottle’?
Why did Jesus leave the door to his tomb open?
Because he was born in a barn.
What did the yoga instructor say when he was asked to leave the building?
Lorraine finally leaves her husband Dave. His open flirting with the new neighbour Deidre, is the last straw..
Dave reads her leaving note and thinks, "Great",
" I can see Deidre now Lorraine has gone."
Now that the Fall is officially here, I can't wait to make tons of extra money gathering leaves..
.. last year I raked it in.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
A Buddhist monk leave the monastery...
Dissatisfied with the style of life that he found there, The Monk decides to move into a suburban neighborhood and start up his own line of work. Being trained in the peaceful ways he gets on very well with his neighbours who eventually notice that he has a very strange profession. Despite being very strong and very philosophical The Monk elects to repeatedly visit places with broken fences and remove and replace them.
One day has neighbour approaches him and asks, "with the physical strength and mental capacity that you seem to have, are you not interested in a more physically or mentally challenging job?"
To which The Monk replies, "but everybody knows reposting gives you the most karma."
Why did the pirate get in his ship and leave immediately when he got a phone call?
Ireland has just introduced a maximum six person indoors rule. Where will that leave the seven dwarves..?
..one of them won't be Happy.
Didn't even leave the first.
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...
"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".
My gf wasn’t impressed when she asked me to leave the door ajar
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
What does every tickle me Elmo get before they leave the factory?
What do people who like to annoy grammar snobs call it when you leave the Great Lakes unprotected?
What did the wolf say when he wanted to leave for a trip?
Let's GOOOOOoooooooooowwwww
(my 7yo daughter made this up and had me breathin hard through my noise for a split second)
My wife threatened to leave me unless I take my iguana to the vet.
She says I have a reptile dysfunction.
Why did the doctor leave early ?
Why did the fat guy leave the store?
He forgot his Debbie card
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.
What did the monk say when he was asked to leave his temple?
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