What’s big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls on you out of a tree?

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 131
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LaneKerman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
🚨︎ report
What did the green grape say to the purple grape

Breathe idiot, breathe!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
Since this is a β€œNana” tree (common name for Juniperus Procumens Green Mountain Juniper bonsai), it was suggested I have a β€œba”. Therefore, since the stock ticker for Boeing is BA, I bought a toy 787. That means there is now a β€œbanana” on the counter.
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LaceyGayGuy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30
🚨︎ report
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?

Light green

πŸ‘︎ 238
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe you fool breath

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/henry_BDM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01
🚨︎ report
This makes me want to get a green thumb
πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/milk-is-bad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
🚨︎ report
What's green and fuzzy and will kill you if it fell out of a tree ?

A pool table

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
What’s green and fuzzy and will kill you if it fell out of a tree

A pool table

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hippity-hopp
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
Damn we just missed the green light, this is gonna be heavy!

Because it will be a Full Wait

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dartis_X-UI
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Canada’s new green initiative?

They’re replacing plastic water bottles with a Canada water.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lanman33
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
Just bought a diamond ring for the Wife from a green Leprechaun. I dunno...

...Think I was sold a sham rock.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
🚨︎ report
I don't have a green thumb...

Both of mine are pinkish.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HeyWhatsItToYa
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
If you're having trouble connecting your bluetooth device, just dress in green, sit on a perch and repeat everything that tech support tells you.

It's the only way to parrot.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
What’s green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?

A billiards table

πŸ‘︎ 387
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pandacoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
What's green and has wheels ?

Grass, I lied about the wheels

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
What does John Lennon say to his sons when they don't want to eat their greens?

Give peas a chance.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
🚨︎ report
What's green and sings?

Elvis parsley

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
What’s green and turns red when you push a button?

A frog in a blender.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
what's green and very dangerous?

A pea with a machine gun.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Quantum_Alpha
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
I would tell you guys a joke about this girl I know who only eats greens, however

You guys probably never heard of herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Girafffiiee
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
What is green, fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
🚨︎ report
What is the name of the skinny brother of green?

Light green

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mukundmadhav
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
What is red, green and eats rocks?

>!The red-green rock eater!<

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bawserlol
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
What's green and smells like blue paint?
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
What's green and doesn't weigh as much?

Light green

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MemeJaguar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
Eating green ice cream together

Dad: hey, you wanna try some of this ice cream, it's green.

10 y/o Daughter: eww, is that booger flavor?

Dad: no, it's not

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mortyd1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20
🚨︎ report
Wife: What is that green thing you are putting on your belt?

Husband: Its thyme, I like to waist thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-_-STRANGER-_-
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
TIL the color magenta doesn't exist, it is your brain trying to make sense of your red and blue cones activating while the green is inactive.

Turns out, it's a pigment of your imagination

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. "What did the green grape say to the purple grape?"

"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!"

I've never been so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iwuzwhatiwuz
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What is black and smells like green paint?

Black paint.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/taroqi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
The grocery stores are bare right now besides some greens.

Only the lettuce romaine.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thrillho333
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15
🚨︎ report
What’s green, fuzzy and when it falls down from trees can kill?

A pool table πŸ˜–

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
These vegetables are colored green. google.com/search?q=colla…
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PS4_noobmaster69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you paint stone light green?

Limestone

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatGuyHanzo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
What is a singer's favourite green food?

Elvis Parsley

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MemeJaguar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
If a red house is made of red bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks, then what is a green house made of?

Glass

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kortbug2000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the jolly green giant get arrested

He took a pea in public

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tpatt83
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
🚨︎ report
How do other Green Lanterns recognize each other?

They all have a familiar ring to them.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kittiekillbunnie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29
🚨︎ report
When do you stop at green and go at red?

When you’re eating watermelon!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
Roses are green, Violets are green, Everything's green

I think my TV is broken

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YourMumsAVirgin69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
One upon a time there was a green man, he always wore green clothes drove a green car and lived in a green house...

One day he sat on his green couch and turned on his green TV to watch a green western. And it was a great green western too.

When the green western was over, the green man turned the green TV off and decided to go for a nice relaxing green bath.

He left the green lounge, turned off the green lights and travelled along the green hall, up the green stairs and to the green bathroom.

In the green bathroom he turned on the green light and turned the green tap to make the green water fill up the green bath tub.

The green man got changed from his green clothes and was left in the green. He dipped his green toe in to the green water to check the temperature, then he slowly lowered his whole green self in to the green bath.

No sooner had his green bottom touched the base of the green tub then the green doorbell went. He heaved his green body out of the green tub and quickly wrapped a green towel around his green waist.

He went down the green stairs to the green door and opened it. Standin

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmalaki
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
The fact that everything we see in monitors is made up of only red, green and blue is amazing. I suppose you could say...

They RGBees knees

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spudzzy03
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
What do you call a green onion that makes it big as a hip hop star?

A rapscallion

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/t1m_b3nz3dr1n3-0
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the mischievous new artist MC Green Onion?

Also goes by the name 'Rapscallion'.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reyean
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
Did anyone wake up Green Day yet?
πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mattxfish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why dose Will Smith like green apples?

Because it reminds him of his Granny Smith.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/True_Twisted
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What is green and is a problem in big cities

Kermit the smog

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vvdb_industries
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you cross a tall green monster with a fountain pen?

The Inkredible Hulk.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me I need to eat more greens...

....so I stopped at the store on the way home and picked up some food coloring.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Musicguy1982
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
What is a wolf's favorite leafy green?

AROOgula.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FacultyManBruce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
What is green and lays in the forrest

Kermit the log

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vvdb_industries
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
What’s green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree could kill you?

A pool table!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
An edible pale green seed of an Asian tree is very very angry with you for calling him a nut.

He's really pistachio

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
The Greens got locked up

"Lettuce go" they Said."We alfalfa family!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PTasker15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
I was recently diagnosed as being colourblind, it really came out of the green.
πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jay2235
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
The Green New Deal now has Dadjokes as a major pillar

We are the foremost experts in recycling!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/qmechan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
What did the green grape say to the purple grape ??

BREATHE !!!!

Edit: spelling

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fireworkbox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What is green and bad for your eye?

A pool table

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaiser_Fiffi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
How do use pink, green, and yellow in a sentence?

The phone went 'green! green!', so I pinked it up and said, "Yellow?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?

A romaine Catholic priest.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What's green and fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell on you?

A pool table

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crustine_the_weeb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/schmicklebutt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was

I said, "You're a nervous Shrek"

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What's green and dangerous?

A gooseberry with a machine gun.
(Extra points as I actually learnt this from my dad...)

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PoorMetonym
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do the green aliens from planet express order when they’re at the bar?

Duclawwwwwwwww

Edit: **Pizza Planet. Coffee had not kicked in yet.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timmyb55
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Who else eats bread with the white and green spots?

Edit: Thanks for the mold kind stranger

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Crixzly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits...

He loves being in the limelight.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the Red light say to the Green light?

Don't look at me I'm changing!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I let the Spaniard know he had a little green stain on the back of his shorts.

He let me know what it was when he replied, "grassy ass".

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dasvott
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call that Creature of the Night that wears black, red and green?

VampIrish

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/owls_n_bees
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
It's hard to define how Soylent Green tastes

It varies from person to person

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever I read this on green juices...
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/foxyfox22
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Green Curry, Red Curry, *wait, what?*
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Koty97
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What's green and has 19 wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scuba_taco15
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.

It's only a phase, after all.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Me making dinner: How much green beans should I make? Two cans?

Or I can try to make parrots instead...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theblumkin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s green and not very heavy?

Light green.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call breakfast at a hotel in Green Bay?

Wis-continental.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_E_L_Bawks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What's green and has wheels?

Grass...I lied about the wheels

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jiggz5344
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
What is green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 126
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelscarnfbi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATH!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the Red light say to the Green light?

Don't look at me I'm changing!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the Red light say to the Green light?

Don't look at me I'm changing!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!

πŸ‘︎ 949
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AVeryLONGPotato
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

BREATH!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the Red light say to the Green light?

Don't look at me I'm changing!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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