Arrival Puns

The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”

The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”

The first person says “I was a doctor, I saved lives.” St. Peter lets him in.

The second person says “I was a teacher, I educated and inspired hundreds of children”. St Peter lets him in.

The third says “I was a musician, I brought joy and beautiful music to many people.”

St. Peter says “ok, but you’ll have to go around back and come in through the kitchen.”

He said “It’s for Mr Noone” you bozo.

Alright r/dadjokes we've been at the hospital for about 16 hours and it's getting close to pushing time.

Would you be kind enough to share your best material for a very soon to be first time father?

....Elderflower.

After all, fare is fowl.

Dad responds: Was it better than The Departed?

She asks "Is this one of those alien movies?"

To which I answer: "No, it was made by humans."

Husband hands me the only thing that's mine (a small 8lb dumbbell) and says "it's really time you carried your own weight around here." I think he's ready for the baby to get here.

He asked the coach, “What number shirt am I?”

The coach said “Wear four out there, Romeo”.

That means your time is here

me

Apparently something was afoot.

My time has come

...but then I decided to let it slide.

I replied, 'of course it's thick. Envelopes and pieces of paper do not tend to have a very high IQ'.

On Columbus day

...happy days!

From there, it's all downhill.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

It had more of an Elon Musk.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

Coz they were all marxmen.

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. “This technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. “Can you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

“Yeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,“but it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained “When these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” “Treating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

“It’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

“There are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” “That future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. “Don’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

“Now let that sink in!”

“I’m a turtle,” he says. “Oh... who’s on your back?” “That’s Michelle,” he replies.

Season's greetings!

Amazon Prime

Well, that was dad on arrival.

Because there’s no place like ohm.

Leaves

Justin time. (Got it from that tracer voiceline)

11.45 : arrived at crime scene

11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle

11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain

11.45 : Realised watch was broken

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My son: but this is not a dad joke.

Me : what is a day joke then?

My son : when the joke becomes a(p)parent.

They like to beat the crowd!!!!

About Tennish

Planet. And when the guests arrive, rocket.

Because everyone knows the first rule of writing is “show, don’t tell”

"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".

Mi auw

When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing

“I c-can’t believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthday”

Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.

Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.

Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, “HOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!”

To which the thief replies, “You let your guard down”

Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.

May i please cumin

It's about Time!

My boss: Why are you dressed as a woman?!

Me: What do you mean? You asked me if i could join the meeting with the Chinese as a trans later?

Before you leave, take note of the time. When you arrive, take note of the time again. Now calculate the difference. Congratulations, you know how to time travel.

(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)

Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.

The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.

On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.

The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...

"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.

"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"

Badum tssss! ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

Which he responded and you will dialogue!

"Tennish" RIP Sir Sean.