The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
The first person says “I was a doctor, I saved lives.” St. Peter lets him in.
The second person says “I was a teacher, I educated and inspired hundreds of children”. St Peter lets him in.
The third says “I was a musician, I brought joy and beautiful music to many people.”
St. Peter says “ok, but you’ll have to go around back and come in through the kitchen.”
He said “It’s for Mr Noone” you bozo.
....Elderflower.
After all, fare is fowl.
Alright r/dadjokes we've been at the hospital for about 16 hours and it's getting close to pushing time.
Would you be kind enough to share your best material for a very soon to be first time father?
Dad responds: Was it better than The Departed?
She asks "Is this one of those alien movies?"
To which I answer: "No, it was made by humans."
Husband hands me the only thing that's mine (a small 8lb dumbbell) and says "it's really time you carried your own weight around here." I think he's ready for the baby to get here.
From there, it's all downhill.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
Bidet bidet bidet, that’s all folks.
Season's greetings!
“I’m a turtle,” he says. “Oh... who’s on your back?” “That’s Michelle,” he replies.
... so they can beat the crowds!
Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)
Amazon Prime
Justin time. (Got it from that tracer voiceline)
Because there’s no place like ohm.
About Tennish
They like to beat the crowd!!!!
"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".
Because everyone knows the first rule of writing is “show, don’t tell”
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
2022 won’t be arriving for at least a year.
May i please cumin
Looks like the boa cons tricked her...
My boss: Why are you dressed as a woman?!
Me: What do you mean? You asked me if i could join the meeting with the Chinese as a trans later?
It's about Time!
Couldn’t have come monsoon enough!
It took me thirty years to get here.
It’s okay, I’m patient
...all they had to say was "get Elon little doggie".
Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks. The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow." "Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says. The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof." "That's just a sack of puppies" they say. The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."
A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...
NOK NOK.
She gagged
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
Which he responded and you will dialogue!
"Tennish" RIP Sir Sean.
About tennish.
