Asked an Alien why they never visits us.

''bad reviews, only one star''they said.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PlankenSonja
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31
🚨︎ report
Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..

..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24
🚨︎ report
Anyone out there any preference for their favorite island to visit..?

.. I've none atoll.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28
🚨︎ report
Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?

It's too high a price 'toupee.'

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MediocrePay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25
🚨︎ report
I tripped over a box of Kleenex when coming home, needing an ER visit!

Don't worry--it's only tissue damage...

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14
🚨︎ report
My wife can't function unless she visits the chiropractor...

I'm afraid she is addicted to crack.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FluffyBearHugs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
🚨︎ report
Dora and Diego visit the North West in winter

Dora and Diego travel to the Pacific Northwest in the middle of winter. Suddenly they realise that there is a problem with their car, so they quickly pull into a nearby garage. The mechanic comes out and asks them "so what's wrong with your car?" Dora replies:

"Wiper no Wiping!!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eldukae
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22
🚨︎ report
What's the place people want to visit the most?

The graveyard people are just dying to go there

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KyotoKyoto2525
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
Jesus was an automobile enthusiast and had a car he really loved. Everytime Jesus went to visit his parents, he would return with his car sporting a new colour

His father was a Carpainter

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AccidentalPundit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21
🚨︎ report
Doctor Visit

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Dawn referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked... The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passiona

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
Why did Odysseus visit the marijuana dispensary?

He was sailing for Indica

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
🚨︎ report
I had a really disappointing visit to the zoo. They only had one animal, and that was only a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fastest_finger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
🚨︎ report
Do I need to visit 12 bars?
πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
Why don’t aliens ever visit Earth?

Because it only has one star

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/frupp110
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
🚨︎ report
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
My friend has this weird habit where he gnaws at bricks when he visits someone’s home.

Doctors are calling it Munch housin’ syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
Of course, you can't visit it just now.
πŸ‘︎ 132
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
When is the best time to visit the dentist?

Tooth-Hurty

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nebih
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
Hospital Visit

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said.

Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
I've always wanted to visit Taiwan

I guess I have a Taipei personality.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
Loosing weight using the internet is so damn difficult. Like every weightloss website I visit,

I get cookies.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29
🚨︎ report
How many people visit Rome every year?

I'll take itally.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/13toycar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
I’ll never forget my first visit to the rodeo.

It was incredibull.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.

The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.

πŸ‘︎ 122
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
🚨︎ report
My grandma was famous for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so everyone could visit and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

πŸ‘︎ 410
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Doc Visit

When Dermatologist finishes looking me over, he asks if anything strange was on my penis. ( I was wearing undies). I said " once in awhile the wife"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
🚨︎ report
My wife’s sister came to visit us recently

It was my wife’s 50th birthday so I took everyone to McDonalds. My wife said I’m officially the cheapest man alive but I’m not buying it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaynesky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
🚨︎ report
What's a cat's favorite place to visit while in the middle East?

The Purrsian Gulf

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thebobstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17
🚨︎ report
Once I decided to visit my old friend who is a world chess champion just to see how he's doing. This is how I became the next champion.

All I did is "check mate".

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LuneFox
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
🚨︎ report
My granddaughters are coming to visit. They're 6 and 8.

I'm sure they'll do better next year.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StanleyQPrick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
🚨︎ report
Danger, Fear, and Panic came knocking at my door. It'd been ten years since the last visit, and all holding clipboards, were ready to begin the inquisition. Nervously, I opened the door and prepared myself to answer their calling.

"Sense us."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
My wife's sister and her family came to visit but I was hiding in the den. She came in and told me not to be antisocial.

I reminded her that I'm a guy.

That would make me uncle social.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iiooiooi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when Santa comes to visit?

A Claus call

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
My dog was terrified to see the vet again after his first visit

I guess he had no balls.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daddymirza
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
There are two types of gay tourists, the ones who visit Netherland, and the ones who visit Iran. Despite such a difference between these places, they go to these countries for the same reason

to get stoned.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tarka_d0_sera
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
A man visits the doctor because he swallowed his watch

He's in the bathroom a really long time. The nurse knocks on the door and asks him if he's okay. He responds "yes, I'm just passing the time."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cubeconvict
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
Why doesn’t aliens visit Earth?

Because we only have a one star review.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lazydoodlelol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
I was just reminiscing with my family about our last visit to the Clock Museum.

Good times.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to visit the Panama Canal

But it was all locked up.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mediamanrit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
What is the best time to visit a dentist?

2:30

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Allgen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What road did the Three Wise Men take to visit baby Jesus?

The highway to the manger zone.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotSamsquanch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I wasn't going to visit my family this summer but Mum promised to make Eggs benedict...

So I went home for the hollandaise

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friend that everybody hates it when they visit me at home, but he said he'd have to try it himself sometime.

I told him to be my guest.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/which1ispink
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don’t aliens visit earth?

Terrible ratings. It only has one star.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rengokufan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
After my daughter was born, my sisters came to visit.

I had to call pest control because we had aunts.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jurassicbond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don’t aliens come to visit our solar system

Cuz when they checked the reviews it only had 1 Star

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Farhans7864
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My mother-in-law always wanted to visit the Valley of a Thousand Hills, so I've booked her trip -

a week on each hill.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, β€œWhat’s your name, son?” He replies, β€œD-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, β€œOh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, β€œNo sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/puggoamber
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
There was an accident in the Paleontology section of a Natural History Museum where multiple dinosaur skeletons collapsed and were broken beyond repair. The directors of the museum were concerned that visitors wouldn't visit that section anymore ...

but visitors still showed up to view the
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EyeWunderY
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Visiting Minnesota, family wanted to visit the Mall of America

β€œEhh, you’ve been to one, you’ve been to the mall”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkSoulsIdiot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the astronaut refuse to fly home to visit his girlfriend?

He needed more space.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gnomekicker18
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.

I chose Caerphilly.

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A Visit to the Monastery

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips.

I asked him "Are you the friar"?

He replied "No, I'm the chip monk."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oldrolex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I never go to the bathroom when i visit the midwest.

Must be in continent.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
News channels when Boris Johnson visits the Queen of the United Kingdom...

Queen receives BJ

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
After my very first visit to an authentic cowboy ranch, I had to go buy a wiener dog.

I mean, the folks there were so nice, and as I left, the guy told me, "Get a long little doggy!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lukethelogician
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?

A Coco-naut

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AFreudianSlip69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Today I went to a college visit, and in order to speed up the line for food I just grabbed some butter for my bagel and put it in my pocket

My sister said, oh no, it almost fell out! You butter watch it! ;D

I’m so proud of her, I’ve raised her well

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/piiraka
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to visit my pregnant friend in the hospital and found a parking spot in the C section of the parking lot.

I had to climb out of the sunroof.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Among all the subreddits I visit everyday, I enjoy r/citrus the most.

It is sublime.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What country does the guy from A Flock of Seagulls not want to visit?

Iran.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/celloninja7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Sherlock and Watson visit a murder scene

Sherlock inspects the body and notes that the man doesn't have anything covering his top. Watson looks at Sherlock and says "Yeah, no shirt, Sherlock!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/propersquid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit my friend, he insists that we only listen to electronic dance music.

He wouldn’t techno for an answer.

πŸ‘︎ 291
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What's the mountain that hikers are reluctant to visit?

Whateverest

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Seba_Swans
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to go visit historical sites in Pennsylvania

Does anyone know the Gettysburg address?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I would visit this restaurant on the daily
πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gingitbros
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I need to visit my mother in the hospital before it’s too late.

Because it’s already 8pm.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mbiggs92
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife flew back from a family visit and arrived with many suitcases

Thereβ€˜s a lot to unpack here

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sorrikkai7
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the coach visit the bank??

To get his Quarterback

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pratik007789
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?

Floss Vegas.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryannbajaj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A Rabbi paid a visit to the village of "Trid," where they were being relentlessly kicked by an angry troll. The troll completely avoided the Rabbi, kicking only the locals. He finally approached the troll, and asked why.

The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Couldbeurmom
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Today I came to visit my mom's house, and I saw my son sleeping there. Seems she took him without me knowing.

It was a kid napping.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/caffeinum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A man visits his psychiatrist wearing only cellophane wrapped around his body

The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Mike Tyson went to visit his backwoods Alabama family.

He saw all of his kith’n kin!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ERMAHDERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Texan came to visit my farm in Southern Illinois and asked me how many acres I had.

I said "about 500".

Texan said: "I can get in my truck and drive all day and never get off my property!"

I said:"yeah, I had a truck like that."

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/harryassburger-il
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madeofmistake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.

Her: What are you going to do when we see it?

Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My cousins from Barcelona came for a surprise visit weeks ago. They're still here!

I didn't expect the Spanish imposition...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is /r/citrus so pleasant to visit?

Because it’s sublime.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did my Mortal Kombat obsessed friend visit a Nordic Church?

Finnish Hymns!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t Uno visit his friend Ocho?

About halfway there, he was arrested for trespassing

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit a temple, I have no idea what to do. So I stand around and do nothing.

I’m an idle worshipper.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the colleagues who visit the restrooms together?

Peers

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bubi093
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did Sherlock Holmes visit a Mexican restaurant?

Because he was looking for a good case idea.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WatchItBuster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
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I went to visit a friend at the hospital and found a spot in the β€œC” section of the parking lot.

I had to climb out of the sunroof.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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