Asked an Alien why they never visits us.
''bad reviews, only one star''they said.
Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..
..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.
Anyone out there any preference for their favorite island to visit..?
Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?
It's too high a price 'toupee.'
I tripped over a box of Kleenex when coming home, needing an ER visit!
Don't worry--it's only tissue damage...
My wife can't function unless she visits the chiropractor...
I'm afraid she is addicted to crack.
Dora and Diego visit the North West in winter
Dora and Diego travel to the Pacific Northwest in the middle of winter. Suddenly they realise that there is a problem with their car, so they quickly pull into a nearby garage. The mechanic comes out and asks them "so what's wrong with your car?" Dora replies:
"Wiper no Wiping!!"
What's the place people want to visit the most?
The graveyard people are just dying to go there
Jesus was an automobile enthusiast and had a car he really loved. Everytime Jesus went to visit his parents, he would return with his car sporting a new colour
His father was a Carpainter
A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Dawn referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked... The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passiona
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Why did Odysseus visit the marijuana dispensary?
He was sailing for Indica
I had a really disappointing visit to the zoo. They only had one animal, and that was only a dog.
Do I need to visit 12 bars?
Why don’t aliens ever visit Earth?
Because it only has one star
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.
My friend has this weird habit where he gnaws at bricks when he visits someone’s home.
Doctors are calling it Munch housin’ syndrome.
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
Of course, you can't visit it just now.
When is the best time to visit the dentist?
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said.
Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
I've always wanted to visit Taiwan
I guess I have a Taipei personality.
Loosing weight using the internet is so damn difficult. Like every weightloss website I visit,
How many people visit Rome every year?
I’ll never forget my first visit to the rodeo.
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
My grandma was famous for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so everyone could visit and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.
When Dermatologist finishes looking me over, he asks if anything strange was on my penis. ( I was wearing undies). I said " once in awhile the wife"
My wife’s sister came to visit us recently
It was my wife’s 50th birthday so I took everyone to McDonalds. My wife said I’m officially the cheapest man alive but I’m not buying it.
What's a cat's favorite place to visit while in the middle East?
Once I decided to visit my old friend who is a world chess champion just to see how he's doing. This is how I became the next champion.
All I did is "check mate".
My granddaughters are coming to visit. They're 6 and 8.
I'm sure they'll do better next year.
Danger, Fear, and Panic came knocking at my door. It'd been ten years since the last visit, and all holding clipboards, were ready to begin the inquisition. Nervously, I opened the door and prepared myself to answer their calling.
My wife's sister and her family came to visit but I was hiding in the den. She came in and told me not to be antisocial.
I reminded her that I'm a guy.
That would make me uncle social.
What do you call it when Santa comes to visit?
My dog was terrified to see the vet again after his first visit
There are two types of gay tourists, the ones who visit Netherland, and the ones who visit Iran. Despite such a difference between these places, they go to these countries for the same reason
A man visits the doctor because he swallowed his watch
He's in the bathroom a really long time. The nurse knocks on the door and asks him if he's okay. He responds "yes, I'm just passing the time."
Why doesn’t aliens visit Earth?
Because we only have a one star review.
I was just reminiscing with my family about our last visit to the Clock Museum.
I tried to visit the Panama Canal
But it was all locked up.
What is the best time to visit a dentist?
What road did the Three Wise Men take to visit baby Jesus?
The highway to the manger zone.
I wasn't going to visit my family this summer but Mum promised to make Eggs benedict...
So I went home for the hollandaise
I told my friend that everybody hates it when they visit me at home, but he said he'd have to try it himself sometime.
I told him to be my guest.
Why don’t aliens visit earth?
Terrible ratings. It only has one star.
After my daughter was born, my sisters came to visit.
I had to call pest control because we had aunts.
Why don’t aliens come to visit our solar system
Cuz when they checked the reviews it only had 1 Star
My mother-in-law always wanted to visit the Valley of a Thousand Hills, so I've booked her trip -
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
There was an accident in the Paleontology section of a Natural History Museum where multiple dinosaur skeletons collapsed and were broken beyond repair. The directors of the museum were concerned that visitors wouldn't visit that section anymore ...
but visitors still showed up to view the
Visiting Minnesota, family wanted to visit the Mall of America
“Ehh, you’ve been to one, you’ve been to the mall”
Why did the astronaut refuse to fly home to visit his girlfriend?
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
A Visit to the Monastery
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips.
I asked him "Are you the friar"?
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk."
I never go to the bathroom when i visit the midwest.
News channels when Boris Johnson visits the Queen of the United Kingdom...
After my very first visit to an authentic cowboy ranch, I had to go buy a wiener dog.
I mean, the folks there were so nice, and as I left, the guy told me, "Get a long little doggy!"
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
Today I went to a college visit, and in order to speed up the line for food I just grabbed some butter for my bagel and put it in my pocket
My sister said, oh no, it almost fell out! You butter watch it! ;D
I’m so proud of her, I’ve raised her well
I went to visit my pregnant friend in the hospital and found a parking spot in the C section of the parking lot.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
Among all the subreddits I visit everyday, I enjoy r/citrus the most.
What country does the guy from A Flock of Seagulls not want to visit?
Sherlock and Watson visit a murder scene
Sherlock inspects the body and notes that the man doesn't have anything covering his top. Watson looks at Sherlock and says "Yeah, no shirt, Sherlock!"
Every time I visit my friend, he insists that we only listen to electronic dance music.
He wouldn’t techno for an answer.
What's the mountain that hikers are reluctant to visit?
I want to go visit historical sites in Pennsylvania
Does anyone know the Gettysburg address?
I would visit this restaurant on the daily
I need to visit my mother in the hospital before it’s too late.
Because it’s already 8pm.
My wife flew back from a family visit and arrived with many suitcases
There‘s a lot to unpack here
Why did the coach visit the bank??
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
A Rabbi paid a visit to the village of "Trid," where they were being relentlessly kicked by an angry troll. The troll completely avoided the Rabbi, kicking only the locals. He finally approached the troll, and asked why.
The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
Today I came to visit my mom's house, and I saw my son sleeping there. Seems she took him without me knowing.
A man visits his psychiatrist wearing only cellophane wrapped around his body
The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."
Mike Tyson went to visit his backwoods Alabama family.
He saw all of his kith’n kin!
Texan came to visit my farm in Southern Illinois and asked me how many acres I had.
I said "about 500".
Texan said: "I can get in my truck and drive all day and never get off my property!"
I said:"yeah, I had a truck like that."
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it?
Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
My cousins from Barcelona came for a surprise visit weeks ago. They're still here!
I didn't expect the Spanish imposition...
Why is /r/citrus so pleasant to visit?
Why did my Mortal Kombat obsessed friend visit a Nordic Church?
Why couldn’t Uno visit his friend Ocho?
About halfway there, he was arrested for trespassing
Every time I visit a temple, I have no idea what to do. So I stand around and do nothing.
What do you call the colleagues who visit the restrooms together?
Why did Sherlock Holmes visit a Mexican restaurant?
Because he was looking for a good case idea.
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
I went to visit a friend at the hospital and found a spot in the “C” section of the parking lot.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.