When visiting Hawaii, you're not allowed to laugh out loud.
π︎ 376
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
I was visiting my blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
She responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.Β
I said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'Β
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' she answered, βThey're watch dogs'!
π︎ 37
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
My wife and I are finally fulfilling my lifelong dream of visiting The Golden Gate in person.
She said, βWhat would you do when you finally see it?β
I said, βIβll cross the bridge when I get there.β
π︎ 106
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︎ Dec 06 2020
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
What did the student say after visiting the Thomas Edison Museum?
I enjoyed being enlightened
π︎ 15
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︎ Sep 04 2020
Paddy and his wife are on holiday in England visiting Historical Sites.
"This is where the Magna Carta was signed," said the tour guide, "One the most important documents in English History."
"When was it signed?" asked Paddy.
"1215," said the tour guide.
"OH NO!" said Paddy, "We missed it by 10 minutes!"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
If you are visiting Rome, be forewarned: it might take you a long time to get out of the city.
All their roads seem to have this weird design flaw.
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 08 2020
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
π︎ 130
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︎ May 27 2020
I work with a small town search and rescue. We recently had a guy visiting from the big city to do some kayaking on the river.
He doesn't know the area and gets himself lost. All he does know is that there are a lot of grizzly bears roaming around during the salmon spawn this time of year, so he's quite afraid to get out of his kayak.
The temperature starts to drop. He needs to stay warm, and decides to build a fire inside his little boat on the river.
He learnt a valuable lesson that night: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 17 2020
My friend has completed his life-long dream of visiting Chernobyl
He now radiates happiness.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 17 2020
Visiting my parents for the first time since COVID. He has taken up cropdusting people and proclaiming, "Surprise health check." To make sure you can smell and/or taste still.
Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
I just figured out why I enjoy visiting the mint.
To me, it just makes cents.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 24 2020
I got punched by a bunch of guys when I was visiting Prague.
They said they were doing a vibe czech
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
Napoleon was visiting a friend at his new estate. The friends great pride was his lavatory which was a big room with pottet plants, beautiful tapestries and carpets. When Napoleon saw this he was gobsmacked and exclaimed "What a loo!"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 23 2020
Dracula has been visiting many doctors.
Yet none of them can fix his coffin.
π︎ 6
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︎ May 12 2020
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Oct 07 2018
I don't like visiting the queen when I'm a knight
She always disappoints me.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 15 2020
The devil was sold a bunch of leaky fountain pens when visiting Turku, which used to be the capital of Finland.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Feb 04 2020
A British man is visiting Australia and is asked by the Customs Officer if he has a criminal record.
He replies, 'I didn't think you needed one to get into Australia any more'.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 05 2020
Was lost and confused when visiting the local aviary.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 19 2019
Today I was visiting Barcelona with my parents when this happened...
Mom: I think we are lost
Dad: No, I know exactly where we are, we are in Barcelona!
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 20 2019
Saw someone visiting their deerly departed at the cemetery.
π︎ 16
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︎ Jun 25 2019
I'm in San Francisco visiting a friend. We're looking for Hyde Park...
...but can't seem to find it.
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 30 2019
βͺI mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a π². Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa. β¬
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 30 2019
Why do so many visitors level Iceland without visiting the ancient Parliament?
Because they don't even know it's a ΓΎing.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 02 2019
Visiting Minnesota, family wanted to visit the Mall of America
βEhh, youβve been to one, youβve been to the mallβ
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 29 2019
what do you while visiting a remote island?
try to find which TV island it belongs to
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 21 2019
Dad and his son out visiting his mother.
Son: gets annoyed by a bee*
Dad: you got a friend in bee!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 04 2019
If traveling is a violation in basketball then shouldnβt the entire visiting team be disqualified?
π︎ 12
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︎ May 25 2019
An Australian is visiting England...
He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 22 2019
The tour group visiting the capital of Italy did not have a specific agenda...
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 28 2019
A man was arrested for visiting every state except for one
He was charged with evading Texas
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 12 2016
I do like visiting ruins....
...but they're really not all the they're cracked up to be.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 11 2018
My dad asked me if I look forward to visiting the bank.
"What do you mean? What bank?"
"You are going to Palestine..."
"Yes, and? Why would I go to a bank in Palestine?"
"The West Bank"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 25 2019
Visiting London, I was pleasantly surprised by this.
It only costs 1p to get into the local aquarium, as long as you're camping, or dressed as a dolphin.
So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 16 2019
I always love visiting my parents for Thanksgiving. My Mom makes the best sauce for our Eggs Benedict. I guess itβs true...
...thereβs no place like home for the hollandaise.
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 21 2018
One of my friends was visiting and he really liked my new memory foam pillow, so much so he offered to buy it
I told him "I don't know, I need to sleep on it"
π︎ 70
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︎ Nov 10 2017
I was visiting my parents from out of town, after breakfast I told them, "I'm going to take a shower."
My dad said, "Make sure you put it back."
Never heard it before, but will be using it for life.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 01 2018
Where does an alien visiting earth get their hair cut?
π︎ 14
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︎ Sep 10 2018
I was visiting Bermuda, and went to check out their Philharmonic orchestra.
Half way through, the guy playing the triangle mysteriously disappeared.
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 05 2018
I was visiting my surgeon friend when an Amazon package arrived at the door.
He told the mailman, β Ah... just what the doctor ordered.β
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 28 2018
Why is it a good idea to have a pocket full of Ricolas when visiting a funeral home?
Because of all the coffins!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 19 2018
Why did the chimpanzee stare dreamily at the clergyman visiting the zoo?
She was thinking: "That Monk, He's a Prime Mate."
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 13 2018
Iβm so excited that my wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, βWhat are you going to do when we see it?β
Me: Weβll cross that bridge when we get there.
π︎ 404
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︎ Sep 16 2018
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it?
Me: Letβs cross that bridge when we get there.
π︎ 55
π
︎ Nov 15 2018
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