I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night

but all the seats were taken.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
This is an AA meeting.....
πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acadiel
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
Why was the broom late for the meeting?

It overswept.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NYRion7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
Because of meeting cancellations due to Corona ...

the local origami society has folded.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
Why does the Prime Minister keep all his meetings post noon?

Because he is a PM, not an AM

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oldgenmemelord
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxUsernameMichael
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.

Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
🚨︎ report
Today I met a fish and the meeting went pretty well. I told him I would like to meet him again, but it got upset and swam away.

I guess, "I'll catch you later" wasn't the right phrase.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manantyagi25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting...

...but all the seats were already taken.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.

We call it our Con Den session.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Allgen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?

Well I’ll be damned.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
🚨︎ report
AA Meeting
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Expre55o
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened to the sea after meeting the ocean?

It blue up.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chanureadeats
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
🚨︎ report
Why don’t Horses get invited to board meetings?

Because nobody likes a nay-sayer.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Groundhogsrule
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...

β€œI guess it’s probably the wrong time.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devin23b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
🚨︎ report
AA meeting
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
β€ͺHad a meeting with ROLEX...‬

Nobody took the meeting minutes

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the mouse said to the other mouse upon meeting?

"it's mice to meet you"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bubuy_nu_Patu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
After the AA meeting, the ghost finally admitted it

He has a boos problem

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quisenburg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
They should have a follow-up to the G-7 meeting called the C Major Summit.

Maybe that will resolve things.

(Not OC but I saw it on FB and it was new to me)

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_awesome365
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.

I said β€œDon’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dave11899
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I showed up late to last night's meeting of Kleptomaniacs Anonymous.

All of the seats were already taken.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I was in a meeting with five executives from Tencent.

It felt like I was speaking to 50 Cent.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kuroha_zone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
AA meeting
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trabe39
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
🚨︎ report
I was at a meeting, standing, when someone offered me a place to sit. I politely declined and said

"I don't accept charity."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theinfinitejaguar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
The American Ladder Institute has an annual meeting in October. They have several safety seminars and so on.

It’s their fall meeting.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/segfaulting_again
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the frog say at the condom product development meeting?

Ribbit

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to a "Put An End To Sarcasm" meeting.

"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.

I said, "My legs."

πŸ‘︎ 240
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
On the way to an important meeting and my watch stopped working

I've got no time for this

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friends a joke I heard at my mandatory meeting at work, but no one laughed.

I guess you had to be there.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
This lady just walked up to me, asked if I remembered meeting her and oddly she commented on being a vegetarian.

I'm sure I never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BALTIM0RE
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
If you're meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time, always wear a bright long-sleeved shirt, gloves and shorts.

You want them to think you're a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Meeting famous YouTube stars at PAX East calls for all the puns...
πŸ‘︎ 868
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πŸ‘€︎ u/renduh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2017
🚨︎ report
A piece of broccoli was late for a meeting.

He got in a cab and yelled "floret!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruscheinskyc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
When King Arthur had a meeting at his round table,

It was an all-knighter.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
AA Meeting
πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dufosho
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I guess when you think about it, every meeting at a cane factory is a staff meeting.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I called the cops on a couple crows meeting in my garden.

It was an attempted murder.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad joke meeting

Do all dads just come together at some secret location trying to think of the best dad jokes to tell? It would be like a secret society.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theredditballer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I made a great joke at the mandatory meeting today.

You had to be there.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lt_Planet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?

Nice to meat β€” ew!

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bad_brazilian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I have an important meeting at the bank this week...

If it goes well all my money troubles will be over.

I'm so excited I can hardly put on my balaclava.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NZOC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy went to a meeting for addictions. He confessed to being addicted to soap. β€œHowever,” he said...

β€œI’m clean now.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
[OC] A elder duck hunter: β€œSon, if you are not meeting your quota of 100 ducks per day,

you are probably aiming too high.”

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/citizenvane
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Coworker: Sorry I’m late. Nobody told me about this meeting.

Me: Communication problems in the department? It’s the first I’m hearing about it.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/llcoolshay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
🚨︎ report
There is a nudist club meeting on next Saturday.

I might go if I have nothing on.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grendel123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My brother went to his AA meeting drunk, then he tripped down the stairs.

He's been having lots of trouble with the steps lately.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisIce
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I just had a meeting with my cats about their recent behavior.

A "meow-wow", i suppose you could call it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaron_gx
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard a really funny joke at our mandatory meeting at work. But when I retell it, no one laughs.

I guess you had to be there.

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Why don’t horses get anything accomplished at their town hall meetings?

They always vote neigh.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lankyjay16
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
TIL: All IKEA employees must attend a mandatory meeting every morning before they start their shift.

Assembly Required.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
🚨︎ report
AA meeting
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I thought my wife was going to a cat addicts meeting

Turns out she was just going to the cat-holic church

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unstablereality
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Once I had the privilege of meeting an Italian astronaut.

He was quite the specimen.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunselpower
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was nervous about meeting new people on our cruise.

I said, β€œDon’t worry, we are all in the same boat.”

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I set up a meeting for men having trouble to perform in bed

Noone came

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAtHome
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I love meeting waiters.

They always bring something to the table.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/appioneer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is Stevie wonders calendar like meeting people on tinder?

It’s all blind dates...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Younggsergg
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
The meeting of the Earthquake Research Club was over quickly...

It was called to order at 8 and adjourned at 8:02 by a motion from the floor.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Told a dad joke while meeting my girlfriend's family

So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said

"I like to play a little guitar"

The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksplosiveness
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Boss: Stop listening to bad rap, participate in meetings, and pay more attention.

Me: So Stop, Collaborate, and Listen?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My Home Depot Manager got us together for serious store meeting. He asked who was breaking all the lumber in the wood aisle.

Me: (tightening my black belt) I don’t know but he must be pretty strong.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImVladimirPutin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
We just started this year and my boss is already setting up meetings for next year!

She must have 2020 vision

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nobutternoparm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Staff Meeting imgur.com/VsupLvQ
πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2016
🚨︎ report
So I would have had my procrastinators anonymous meeting tomorrow

But they keep putting it off

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QXander
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
So a meeting stretched on for a bit too long, and the client said 'I wouldn't mind a light lunch'.'

So, i said, 'CFL, Incandescent or LED?'

Much groaning ensued amongst my colleagues. Client laughed a lot though.

I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy working with him.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2015
🚨︎ report
So a council meeting involving a large sum of employees were under major stress on what to call their restaurant. The team leader was furiously dissatisfied and screamed:
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Master_Keyhan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Sure my dad didn't write this, but it was always one of his favorites. The organs were having a meeting...

"Did I ever tell you about the asshole?"

"What?"

"Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right? So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, thinking--why is this even a question?'

'Well, good luck doing all of the thinking if you can't see where you're going,' say the eyes. 'We should be in charge.'

'What good is it going to do seeing, if you can't get anywhere?' asked the legs.

'Well, without us, you'd have no oxygen,' said the lungs.

'Are you serious?' said the stomach. 'How are you supposed to process energy and do any of this stuff, without me??'

'Well, what about me?' piped up the asshole. 'I'm important too..'

'You?!?' laughed the other parts. 'Shut up, asshole!'

So the asshole went on strike.

A week and a half later, the brain couldn't think straight. The eyes couldn't focus, the legs were asleep from sitting on the

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 728
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/paprikashi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Staff meeting
πŸ‘︎ 178
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NitroNihon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
🚨︎ report
You were late for the meeting, you have to put money in the late jar.

I would, but it hasn't shown up yet.

Based on an actual exchange between myself and a coworker.

πŸ‘︎ 704
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MDDDIY
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
🚨︎ report
I need to know when everyone is available for a family meeting in the kitchen.

I looked at the family colander, but it was hit or miss.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatMoloko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
🚨︎ report
AAA meeting
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/savaglysnowman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Meeting on wed is pretty common
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/layover_guy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Went to my first meeting tonight of claustrophobia addicts anonymous.

It was a packed house.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I have to host an early morning staff meeting tomorrow, does anyone have any good openers for an early morning meeting to break the ice?
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Famoustitles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
After 40 years, I met my long lost twin brother at a Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night...

What are the odds!!

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourmumsalawyer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Why was Russia late to the UN meeting?

Stalin, as always

πŸ‘︎ 212
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doebro
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2016
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 21k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the broom late for the meeting?

He overswept.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the broom late for the meeting?

He overswept.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting...

...but all the seats were already taken.

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the broom late for the meeting?

He overswept.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friends a joke I heard at my mandatory weekly meeting at work, but no one laughed.

I guess you had to be there.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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I told my friends a joke I heard at my mandatory weekly meeting at work, but no one laughed.

I guess you had to be there.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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My wife was so nervous about meeting other people on our cruise.

I said, β€œDon’t worry, we are all in the same boat.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kailebeverettart
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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